I apologize today for my last post if anyone read it and it made them uncomfortable. I write like I speak balls to the wall, and have little discretion when the spirit moves me. I was definitely moved by something yesterday, and plum full of spirits by way of a 12-pack. I wish I could’ve finished them all and left the evening in a fog so I wouldn’t have to think about shit anymore, but alas, I only made a dent in it.
I’m feeling much better today. I see everything much more clearly, as if a rag has wiped all the soot away. I see my future. It’s different then what I expected it would be, and some of the characters in the play have now changed, but it’ll go on just the same. It has to. I have a life to live, and a desire to live it. I still feel a bit unsteady and shattered, but I’m not going to let this control me. I am the captain of my own boat, when mutiny is afoot I did the only thing that made sense; I threw them overboard to swim in the shark infested waters that they chose. I don’t want people that are capable of hurting others like that in my life. I’m going to be better because they’re not. This will be easier than it sounds to do. I just won’t leave my nook here in the country. No one will bother to seek me out.
I wonder now if facebook and this blog was such a good idea. It’s enabled me to crawl from the sheltered womb I’ve been residing in for a long while, and made the world more accessible for me. A world that is full of harsh realities. I worry that I’ve flung the lid off Pandora’s box (no pun intended Patty), and opened myself up to more hurt that I would otherwise have encountered. Things, people, and ideas that seemed so simple before, are now twisted and gnarled up. I don’t know what’s up or down; where the truth ends and the lies begin. It seemed easier when it was just me alone with my thoughts.
I’m trying right now to focus on the positive and the things I have to look forward to. Winter is well underway and on it’s way out. Spring will be here soon, and with it those tasty mushrooms I love so much. Soon after I’ll be bathed in sunshine, attending outdoor, household auctions, adding to my small collection of antiques, grilling, and sharing cocktails around the bonfire again. I have my youngest sons, 18th birthday to look forward to in November, and the sigh of relief that I never have to deal with his father again. I have love. This year looks pretty bright after all.
I hope all of you have something to look forward to also. I hope that you’ll continue my journey with me and keep me company as I try to grow. I hope everyone will remember not to sweat the petty stuff, but rather pet the sweaty stuff. And remind me when I forget. I hope…cause sometimes hope is all you have.