I don’t quite know where to begin, as I’ve been somewhat jarred into reality as a result of my posts this past week. In one of my most recent ones, “I’m In Good Company”, I clearly spoke of worries I had about the negative energy I’ve been emitting coming back to bite me in the butt, and now it seems this prophetic concern is coming to pass. Perhaps it’s time I look into all this New Age, the-energy-you-throw-out-comes-back-to-you, shit. Perhaps it’s time I change my attitude so I don’t have to worry about it.
All I’ve ever wanted is to be happy. I don’t think I’ve asked a lot from the men I’ve been in relationships with, family, friends, or life in general, in my quest to attain it. In fact, I think I’ve asked for very little and have sold myself short because of it. I require few material things other than basic comforts, and ask only honesty and loyalty from those in my immediate circle. Apparently, these are the most difficult things to give, because I’ve been let down repeatedly when expecting them. I’ve grown untrusting and cynical because of it, and the end result is that it’s turned me into that which I loathe the most: A bitter, petty, mean-spirited, unhappy, negative person. Sadly, the situations and people that have created this monster aren’t affected in the least by it; only I am. I have become my own worst enemy.
I started this blog in January in an attempt to find myself, thereby bettering myself through my writing. I was unaware at the time when I did so that my emotions were going to be caught up in an upheaval shortly after that would throw me into a downward spiral; the result being that I would use my blog spitefully as a tool for retribution on those I felt wronged me, instead of for good. I’m now beginning to see the painful consequences being reaped by this choice.
My cousin read my blog and commented on it the other day. This cousin that I was so close to all during my childhood and most of my teen years, who knows me so well, seemed concerned by this obvious change, and openly chastised me for it. I immediately became defensive in my reply to her, and found myself falling into the victim-trap of, “Yes, I’m being nasty, but you don’t know what happened…blankety-blankety-blank!” After, I shelved it under, she-doesn’t-understand-because-she-doesn’t-know-all-the-details-and-wouldn’t-care-anyway-because-it’s-not-happening-to-her, and thought I could move on. Ah, the sting of someone who loves you calling you out on your mistakes.
This week I also made the transition from the comfort of my personal blog into the blogosphere surrounding me, and started to read other blogs, and found myself even commenting on a few. Do you know where this is going yet? It probably wasn’t as good an idea as I originally thought, because well…like-energy creates like-energy, and nothing good can come from anything I say right now because I’m a negative person.
On one site, what was intended as words of support and empowerment to a young woman who was dealing with the betrayal and unfaithfulness of a husband she loved who clearly didn’t deserve her, came across to a gentleman that read the comment as nothing more than male-bashing. Within hours this led from him feeling the need to correct me and assure me that all men weren’t bad (unfortunately, in his passionate attempt to persuade me, he didn’t word things quite the way he should’ve), to her seeing it as an attempt on his part to try and put part of the responsibility and blame on the victim for the perpetrators actions, at which point she unleashed a verbal can of WHOOP-ASS on him. I guess he never took the words Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned seriously. After, I admit I felt bad and a bit responsible, because had I not in my anger thrown all men into the bastards-mix, he would’ve never commented, and she would’ve never ripped him a new asshole.
Where am I going with all of this, you’re probably asking. Let me tell you… I give people the benefit of the doubt when I can, and suspected that this gentleman who responded to my comment wasn’t a bad guy, so I went onto his blog and read his about page. I was right. I’ve been conned by the best, and highly doubt that this guy would splay out his weaknesses and vulnerabilities so openly unless he was being sincerely honest about them. He doesn’t occur to be a bad guy at all who jumps automatically to the defense of his gender whether they be right or wrong, or insensitive in the least to the plight of a woman hurting. What I read is that he’s been shit on by women that have been shit on by other men, he’s merely trying to point out that he’s tired of being categorized by other men’s actions and women’s cynicism from being hurt by other men is the cause, and the only real fault I could find in him is that he’s very inexperienced in relationships and doesn’t have a lot of skills when it comes to talking to them. None of which makes him a bad guy. It makes him one of us, doesn’t it?
I gave some serious thought to what he said and what I read in his bio and came to some conclusions of my own because of his words…I’ve been wrong. I’m not one that easily admits that, but I have been. My husband is not perfect, by no means. He never had to share his toys, and can sometimes be selfish. He lived pretty primitively while growing up, and can sometimes be insensitive when it comes to my desire to have what I consider the ‘basic’ comforts of home. He is also insecure at times, which results in his being controlling. He’s a procrastinator and untidy. He has all these ‘little annoying’ traits and more, but is any of these flaws so great to unhinge the door and let loose the male-castrating bitch I’ve become? Especially when this man has never raised a hand to me in anger, never so much as given a hint he’d be capable of cheating on me, goes to work faithfully everyday and comes straight home after, never hangs at the bar, tells me he loves me several times a day and can’t keep his hands off me? Has he been paying for the mistakes of every other person that’s hurt me, because I’ve adopted a no-tolerance policy to prevent future pain?
I’ve been hurt a lot in my life, and seldom have the people who’ve caused me pain been able to justify it. In return for my loyalty I expect the same out of those I love, and have more often than not been disheartened by the lack of it on their part. People and situations as of late have broken me, and it’s caused me to turn my back on love and reason. Yes, I’ve become that which I loathe.
I’ve always been good with words. I have the ability to use or abuse their power. I know this, and much like a fighter who has physical strength and has a responsibility to control it, I too have a responsibility to control how I use them. When I don’t the poison spills over onto everything I touch. I used to be a happy, fun-loving, positive, perky person. I used to be the person that my cousin remembers and now wishes me to return to. The person I wish to return to. These words I’ve used have done no good but to fuel my rage and prevent me from being that whom I should be. It’s time I start owning up to my mistakes.
I don’t know if any of you that read this would take anything positive away from it. I hope so. I hope those of us that share the common bond of pain can forgive each other for our shortcomings, overcome the obvious differences we may have in our social class and/or gender, and cleave unto one another for support. I hope we can stop casting blame and keeping ourselves sick, and just move on and consider it a lesson learned. I hope we can focus on those people and things in our life that are positive and truly deserving of our attention. I hope I can take my own advice.