Today I feel so much better than I did yesterday. I woke up with the alarm, got my happy-butt out of bed, motivated my son, and was already in the process of getting a fire going when he stumbled down the stairs. I guess it takes a day like that one to make me appreciate this one more. At least I’m over that hurdle; unfortunately, there’s more to come. I still have to deal with my late mother’s birthday, which is tomorrow, the date of my father’s passing coming up in April, my mother’s passing in May, and the birthday of my deceased best-friend in June; and it doesn’t end there, it goes on and on and on. I no longer have months I can look forward to without dealing with some kind of loss I’ve encountered. Even holidays themselves are nothing more than a reflection of the people I once shared them with that are no longer there. My God, there are so many. When you spend your life surrounded by people that are depressed, alcoholic, addicts, etc…as I have, the casualties quickly add up. I never judged not a one of their lifestyles, never tried to hold them accountable for it—only God can do that—and think sometimes maybe I should have, because I now feel I carry the burden of their poor choices that resulted in their deaths, by having to live with it. I don’t think I have to tell you that it sucks the ‘Big One’ to be me most of the time. I absolutely, positively, don’t know how to let things go! Why? Because my sick, twisted, mind tells me that I’m honoring them by suffering their loss. To do anything less would be to me like saying their lives hadn’t mattered. How’s that for ‘screwed-up’, folks?
I’m kind of a self-help nut, and have a tendency to try and diagnose/heal myself. Yeah, you can tell that’s really working for me. Anyway, the closest I’ve come to figuring this out is that I suffer from something called, ‘Prolonged Grief Disorder’ (PGD); which basically means I just can’t recover from losses. Now, add that into the mix with my Depression and Codependency from my screwed-up childhood and shitty marriages, my Anxiety Disorder that rears up when I don’t pay attention and let my Depression and Codependency get bad, my Seasonal Deficit Disorder that I deal with every friggen winter when I don’t get enough sunshine, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah…Know what comes out of the oven? Someone who’s fucked up as a soup-sandwich, that’s what! Is it any wonder that I’m starting to think there’s no hope for resolution to the madness? Wow!
You know what I find so amazing about being me? It’s that no one can see what I’m going through. Even the rare times that I share it with them, they still look at me as if I must be exaggerating it, because I appear to be ‘so normal’. I still put on my face and take care with what I’m wearing when I go out in public. I’m still friendly and quite chatty when I meet up with family, friends, even strangers. I’m still able to be the person I know they want me to be. Sometimes I think by trying so hard to disguise the pain, I’m actually sabotaging any chance I might have to get anyone to take it seriously and possibly help me through it. I don’t know, maybe it’s best to leave things be and keep the majority of my emotions undisclosed. I have to ask myself, would I really want anyone I care about having to go through this shit with me? Probably not.
Well, I have to admit writing this blog helps me tremendously. I’ve always wrote down my thoughts, but there’s something about knowing I’m sharing them with others now that almost validates them for me. I feel like I finally have that ‘voice’ I desperately needed; and though I know it might be uncomfortable for some of you to read—I suffer from a bad case of having no filter on my thoughts or mouth, and write like I talk—I hope you can at least appreciate my honesty and the effort I’m making to bare my soul. I’m finding there’s great healing in purging myself of the inner-demons that haunt me. And though it’s a slow, uphill climb, I am starting to heal. Anyway, it’s the day after. The pain of loss is dissipating and I’m able to smile again. Tomorrow will be even better. Now if we here in the Midwest can just shake this damn, clinging, winter off our boots, life would be that much more perfect, now wouldn’t it? Crazy-ass, weather! Ta..Ta.. Till tomorrow.