I Should’ve Just Stayed Home With My PC

I’m getting old. This is one explanation I can come up with as to why I never seem to enjoy myself when I do get the opportunity to go out. Last night, as you might suspect, sucked the big one!

I opted to dress down and comfortably, put on my war paint, and we were off. My goal was to find some good music and shoot some pool. I did neither. We stopped at the first place and there was a damn birthday party, or some shit going on. I had a beer, he had a pop, and we left. The second place had maybe five people tops in it and the tv going. If I wanted to drink and watch tv I could do that at home. The third place was doing karaoke—which we both cannot stand—and we bailed quickly. The fourth place was the main bar in the casino—that at least had a live band—but let’s just say the crowd wasn’t exactly our style. By now I’ve had one beer at each bar, am growing antsy, and bored out of my mind. I finally looked at my husband in desperation and asked him if he could take me to the bar we were both familiar with so at least I could listen to some decent music on the jukebox and shoot some stick, and he said no. I didn’t argue, asked him to stop by Taco Bell on our way out of town—which we did—and we came home. We were in before midnight. ((sigh))

I laid in bed this morning and had a little chat with my husband. Without arguing, without tears, I told him matter-of-fact I no longer enjoy my life, and he’s a large part of the reason. I cited last night as an example. Yeah, it was nice that he finally took me out to the bar. I mean it’s only been nine months. But when we do go out together we don’t really enjoy each others company. He has no problem drinking with his friends when they’re around, but when he’s with me he drinks pop. He claims he needs to stay sober so he can take care of me. You know, cause ‘whew’ it’s a good thing he came along when he did. I’d barely made it through those first 41 years without him being my sitter! So here we are, sitting in the bar, he’s drinking pop and is stone-cold sober, I’m trying to drink and have a little fun, but it’s almost impossible when you know the person you’re with isn’t having any, and feels they need to watch you. I can’t call another couple to say “Hey, you wanna join us for a few”, because any friends we once had together are long gone, and the only people in our life now are his ‘single’ male friends, which he also doesn’t want to share my company with, because I’ve even offered just to have someone else to talk to. No, just him and I bored out of our minds.

I guess that wouldn’t be the worst of it, but then there is also that added annoyance of we can only go to places that are acceptable to him. The bar I used to work at, the same one where we met, is completely off limits. He hates this bar. Not that anyone has ever done anything to him. He hates it because when I’m there I become the person I used to be when he met me, I start having fun, and I mix and mingle with all my old friends. You’d think that would be a good thing, but my husband has spent the last seven years trying to weed me off of that place and those people, because he doesn’t want to have to compete with them. And I know that’s what it is. He’s afraid if I go in there I’m going to be reminded of the life I had, and the one I’m living now is going to pale in comparison and he’ll lose me. He doesn’t realize he’s losing me because he is suffocating me.

Normally when we have these discussions about my wanting some freedom, friends of my own, and my identity back, it ends with his getting mad and telling me to pack a bag and he’ll take me to my sisters in the city, ya-da..ya-da.. This he knows I will not do, and it usually ends the argument. This morning he pulled the… “Well, lets just get a divorce then.” I looked at him and said, “That’s a good idea. You file, because I don’t have the money.” This is yet another way he is able to call the shots. The checking account is in his name only. Is the picture becoming clearer for you reader? I have no job, no income of my own, and no access to money. I have no license since my DUI 3 years ago, and it’s been that long because he’s refused to help me with my financial obligations so I can get it back. I managed to scrounge up enough slowly to meet some of the requirements myself, but now my car won’t run and he won’t fix it for me, it needs the plates renewed and he won’t help me with that—there isn’t any use in getting my license back if I have no car to drive. I’m stuck in the country seven miles from the nearest small town and have no friends there. The friends I did have are an hour away and have probably forgotten about me. My best friend is in North Carolina. You, readers, are it for me. If it were not for my computer I would be completely alone. Yet, he wonders why I’m unhappy. He just doesn’t get it. 

Now, for those of you that haven’t followed along with my story, and are not privy to the details, I don’t want you thinking that this is the way I’ve always been, and he somehow ‘saved’ me by bringing me to the country, giving me a home, and enabling me to stay home and play housewife. Far from it! When we got together I was completely independent, had a good job managing a bar, I had a ton of friends and acquaintances, my social calendar was full, I was able to travel and did, and had about sixty thousand dollars in the bank from an inheritance. He saved me from nothing! What he did, in fact, was steal my life from me. I loved him. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. But as obvious as this may seem, it was easy to overlook, because he can be so damn wonderful when he wants to be. I never lack for affection or hearing the words “I love you”. He has no real bad habits, doesn’t cheat, and has great work ethic. He is in some ways perfect.

I’m really battling with myself right now. My son is finally settled in school and doing well. I’m doing everything I can not to rock that boat and try and keep things stable for his sake. If I were to choose to take steps to leave I know it would make things more difficult on him. I don’t know how much longer I can stay like this though. It’s exhausting for me to be this unhappy all the time and try and ‘work’ through it. Most days I am able to. I have my blogging community to keep me company and take my mind off shit, but then there are those days, like today, when it’s obvious that time is marching on without me and that the only life I’ve been given to live I’m squandering to meet someone elses needs. Men call it mid-life crisis. No, it’s just that it usually takes most of us women this long to get sick and tired of being someone to everyone, and never being anyone to ourselves!

Well, I guess it was my day to drop the humor and boo-hoo for a bit. There’s no wit in my words today. No dry humor to be found. Not even sarcasm, I’m afraid. Today is one of those days I use for a reality check. I’m getting old. This is one explanation I can come up with as to why I never seem to enjoy myself when I do get the opportunity to go out. I’m too old to pretend I’m enjoying myself just to appease someone else anymore.

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15 Comments on “I Should’ve Just Stayed Home With My PC”

  1. The Hook says:

    You’re getting old? Join the club! That’s no reason to get yourself in a funk. Cheer up!

    • Goodness Hook, you’re going to get me ‘hooked’ on chatting with you! We’ve just got to stop meeting like this. Ha..ha..
      Okay, I need to go on and check out your bio as soon as I’m done cleaning up my emails, and find out just what exactly your idea of old is. I’m old, honey! If you’re younger than forty, ummm….no! Shit don’t start falling apart till you’re at least forty. And normally I try not to get into a funk, but being married to Mr. FunHater doesn’t breed a lot of entertaining moments. You know what they say, “Girls just wanna have fun.”

  2. It is scary how much this post resonates with me. And tears are lurking but I am not certain if they are for you, me, or us both and any other women who are isolated. For complicated reasons I can’t get my licence, but it sounds to me as if you really need to. To reclaim a life, and reclaim yourself. And I am with you in being shocked at how many friends I have found in the blogosphere.
    Thinking good thoughts your way, and hoping you find yourself again. Soon.

    • Oh, my God. It is so nice to meet you! You are the reason I was writing it. Let me explain.
      Spectra, a blogger buddy, was just commenting on how impressed she was with my honesty, and I told her I did it hoping that someone who might stumble upon it could relate and know she wasn’t alone. Unless you’ve been there you have no idea how painful the loneliness can be. It seems so much worse when you feel like no one understands. Your lurking tears are proof of that. This is the reason I try to throw caution to the wind, and go full force, balls to the wall. I am so glad you took the time to comment, and I hope that we’ll get a chance to share some stories. I too, have found wonderful cyber-companions within the blogging community, and feel more a part of something than I have in a long while. I’m glad it’s working for you too! I’m going to have to stagger on over and read some of your posts now. Thanks for dropping me a line!

  3. Girlfriend…him segregating you from the world is not good. Just saying. Sounds a lot like my marriage, he had control of everything and I totally lost who I was. It has taken me until NOW to finally get that back. I have been divorced for over 15 years now. I will NEVER let anyone take away who I am again. In a way that has made me leery, and I have lived on my own for over 5 years now since my last relationship ended, and I am not sure I am ready to live with anyone again. Not soon anyways. I just feel like I can’t possibly let the CHANCE into my life that I will lose myself again. My advice to you, get a job, get your car fixed and start living your life, we are way too old to not be happy at this point in our lives girl…and we are here for you to vent to anytime 🙂 Donna…

    • I’m working on trying to get things taken care of, but it’s slow coming when I’m stuck miles from civilization, without transportation, etc. I believe in the power of prayer though, so there’s always hope. I’ve made greater strides so far than I thought I would. As bleak as my situation seems, it’s better than it was. There for about a year and a half I was stuck out here with no phone or computer, if that tells you anything. You wanna talk isolated…that was misery.
      And about having people to vent to… Something happened when I started blogging that never occurred to me would, I made friends. No, really. I thought I would write about myself and my feelings–sort of purging myself of the pain–I expected a few might read it, and I would have the opportunity to read blogs myself, but I never thought I would find camaraderie in doing so. It’s come as a very pleasant surprise. Oddly, I trust my thoughts and feelings more with all of you than I have or would with some of the people I’d once considered my closest friends. I think because I was always on guard assuming they expected something more from me. Strange, huh? Anyway, it’s been great and probably one of the best things I’ve done for myself.

  4. Your honesty is so refreshing. I love how you keep it real…nice or not. Pull out those manuscripts, dust them off and finish them up. Life is too short to not take chances.

    • Thank you! You know I think I may do that this week. I suppose it doesn’t hurt to take a look/see at them. I haven’t really bothered with them in a while. For the last few years I’ve been digging myself out of an emotional hole, and pouring myself into a memoir of my life. I have no notions of grandeur where that’s concerned, but think perhaps someday it would be good for my children to know a part of their mother beyond what I’ve allowed them to see. A person’s thoughts are so much more powerful than their actions.

  5. Spectra says:

    I am always impressed with the honesty with which you express your feelings, be they good or not, socially “acceptable” or not…they are your feelings, and one thing I learned many years ago in a 12 step program, CoDa (for co-dependency)is that “Your feelings are never wrong. They “JUST ARE”.

    Now that I am reading more of your situation, it does sound like you are in a sand trap, treading only to keep your head out of utter smothering away, dying. You have this creative outlet, but are cut off in so many other ways.

    The ‘no car, no license’ thing is the worst! It stops you from getting a part time job, making some cash for stash, having some leverage for yourself. You are stuck with his decisions…never good, no matter how great the guy. You have to be free to set your own schedule and make decisions, which was lost long ago when you lost your license.

    There’s a support group for everything…you need physical people in your life, perhaps a spiritually-centered something, to let your true inner power, irrefutable…to emerge. Just sayin…not sure how else to be helpful right now.

    • But I’m having so much fun, Darling…why would I ever want to get help? That would mean freeing myself completely from this man who is literally ‘loving’ me to death! And if you think that isn’t possible, spend a few weeks in the sticks with me and observe. I know there are probably many women who would kill to have my life, or think they would. My biggest problem is that to outside observers my life seems ideal. And I suppose it is if you want to be a trophy wife or a some barbie doll who just wiles away the hours waiting for her man to come home. I have moments when I have to bite back the vomit that begins to rise. I AM ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE THE PERSON I’VE BECOME! Not so long ago I was financially independent, happy, healthy, and had a slew of friends. Oh God, I sound so pathetic. See?…I would’ve never spoken those words. It’s so beneath me. Where in the fuck did my pride and dignity go?
      Oh, don’t worry about me. If I’m nothing I’m a survivor. I’m just the type of person that I have to get good and fed up before I make a move. I’m older and wiser, and I do nothing in haste anymore. I learned that with the first and second husband. I wound up worse coming out of those marriages than I did going in, simply because I was practically willing to sell my soul to do so. Sadly, I’m always best when I’m by myself. I just can’t seem to stay away from those ‘yummy’ younger men with ponytails!
      And don’t be too impressed with my honesty. I’m not as brave as you think. I question constantly what I should and should not elaborate on. I guess the thing that pushes me is that I know I’m not alone in this, that somewhere there is someone going through this too, and if by chance she stumbles upon my blog I want her to know she’s got company. THERE IS SOMEONE THAT UNDERSTANDS. The best thing I ever did years ago was invest in a book called, “Men Who Hate Women & The Women Who Love Them”. Another woman’s experience and words set me free from being beat on for many years. I literally owe the author my life. Who knows…maybe the shit I go through and write about will give someone else an A-ha moment too.
      And besides, why would I want physical people in my life when I have my crazy-ass, cyber-buddy, Spectra? I just think you’re the cat’s meow! 😉

  6. decidetodecideetc says:

    If you want out: get up early one morning before he does, put 2 or 3 oranges into a sock and hold your arm out, holding onto the sock. Swing it towards your face. Aim for the chin. Then when you’ve banged yourself up enough, squeeze the oranges into juice and drink it. When he wakes up or 10 minutes later, start crying, call the police and tell them he punched you. Only do this if you are desperate to get him out of your life. You’ll get a temporary restraining order, good for about a week, then you’ll need to go to court to get one for 6 – 12 months.
    Delete this comment after you read it.

  7. lifereconnected says:

    Flattery will get you everywhere. Thank you. And your husband could be on to something too about your writing- maybe you could start a little earner there with your computer somehow. I know it’s harder than it looks/sounds but you know what they say – follow your bliss! Food for thought maybe.

    • I already have a slew of manuscripts started, but unfortunately suffer from a major case of low self-esteem where my writing is concerned, and have literally refused to finish them. I don’t know if any of you can relate, but I’ve always felt that my only talent lie in my words, and that if I was to find out it didn’t I’d think I was a complete failure, and have nothing. I must admit, it has helped my self-esteem a lot since I’ve begun to blog. I don’t think I’m by far the best writer out here, but I also don’t think I’m the worst anymore. And damn, if others can get published, then why can’t I? My goal is to muster up the courage to finish the one that is closest to completion (by one freaking chapter, if you can believe it!), take a deep breath and send it in. I already have well over 200 pages invested in that one. I have no problem writing lengthy material. Well, you should know that. Ha..ha.. All you have to do is read my blog and comments. Yeah, imagine what I’m like in the ‘real’ world. You’d never get a word in edgewise! 🙂 Bring lots of beer and pretzels.

  8. lifereconnected says:

    Well first of all your wit is still intact my dear and your writing still flows with a rhythm all its own. I love it. As for old – I would have given up at the first bar not had the stamina for all your other attempts 😦 and you know what ? It s ok to be feeling like you do. At least you are reflecting not reacting and that is good. Make and take the time to really think about what it is you want, you deserve it. All mothers and wives do, don’t care what the circumstances. Keep writing it out -(selfish bit here) I want to keep reading!

    • Thank you, Penny. It’s nice to know at least someone appreciates me.
      You know, my husband did actually give me a really good compliment this morning. He told me that he doesn’t know why I don’t do more with my writing and that he brags about how intelligent I am to his friends. Umm…what? I had to shake my noggin a little to see if I heard him right. That and 10 cents won’t get me a cup of coffee anywhere though, will it?
      I really enjoy our talks, be it on the computer or not. I relate so well to you. I have a feeling that when it’s all said and done our friendship is going to end up transcending beyond this blog. You seem to me to be a ‘keeper’. Other than with men, I have luck going with my gut on things 😉 I’m pretty good at judging people.