I’m getting old. This is one explanation I can come up with as to why I never seem to enjoy myself when I do get the opportunity to go out. Last night, as you might suspect, sucked the big one!
I opted to dress down and comfortably, put on my war paint, and we were off. My goal was to find some good music and shoot some pool. I did neither. We stopped at the first place and there was a damn birthday party, or some shit going on. I had a beer, he had a pop, and we left. The second place had maybe five people tops in it and the tv going. If I wanted to drink and watch tv I could do that at home. The third place was doing karaoke—which we both cannot stand—and we bailed quickly. The fourth place was the main bar in the casino—that at least had a live band—but let’s just say the crowd wasn’t exactly our style. By now I’ve had one beer at each bar, am growing antsy, and bored out of my mind. I finally looked at my husband in desperation and asked him if he could take me to the bar we were both familiar with so at least I could listen to some decent music on the jukebox and shoot some stick, and he said no. I didn’t argue, asked him to stop by Taco Bell on our way out of town—which we did—and we came home. We were in before midnight. ((sigh))
I laid in bed this morning and had a little chat with my husband. Without arguing, without tears, I told him matter-of-fact I no longer enjoy my life, and he’s a large part of the reason. I cited last night as an example. Yeah, it was nice that he finally took me out to the bar. I mean it’s only been nine months. But when we do go out together we don’t really enjoy each others company. He has no problem drinking with his friends when they’re around, but when he’s with me he drinks pop. He claims he needs to stay sober so he can take care of me. You know, cause ‘whew’ it’s a good thing he came along when he did. I’d barely made it through those first 41 years without him being my sitter! So here we are, sitting in the bar, he’s drinking pop and is stone-cold sober, I’m trying to drink and have a little fun, but it’s almost impossible when you know the person you’re with isn’t having any, and feels they need to watch you. I can’t call another couple to say “Hey, you wanna join us for a few”, because any friends we once had together are long gone, and the only people in our life now are his ‘single’ male friends, which he also doesn’t want to share my company with, because I’ve even offered just to have someone else to talk to. No, just him and I bored out of our minds.
I guess that wouldn’t be the worst of it, but then there is also that added annoyance of we can only go to places that are acceptable to him. The bar I used to work at, the same one where we met, is completely off limits. He hates this bar. Not that anyone has ever done anything to him. He hates it because when I’m there I become the person I used to be when he met me, I start having fun, and I mix and mingle with all my old friends. You’d think that would be a good thing, but my husband has spent the last seven years trying to weed me off of that place and those people, because he doesn’t want to have to compete with them. And I know that’s what it is. He’s afraid if I go in there I’m going to be reminded of the life I had, and the one I’m living now is going to pale in comparison and he’ll lose me. He doesn’t realize he’s losing me because he is suffocating me.
Normally when we have these discussions about my wanting some freedom, friends of my own, and my identity back, it ends with his getting mad and telling me to pack a bag and he’ll take me to my sisters in the city, ya-da..ya-da.. This he knows I will not do, and it usually ends the argument. This morning he pulled the… “Well, lets just get a divorce then.” I looked at him and said, “That’s a good idea. You file, because I don’t have the money.” This is yet another way he is able to call the shots. The checking account is in his name only. Is the picture becoming clearer for you reader? I have no job, no income of my own, and no access to money. I have no license since my DUI 3 years ago, and it’s been that long because he’s refused to help me with my financial obligations so I can get it back. I managed to scrounge up enough slowly to meet some of the requirements myself, but now my car won’t run and he won’t fix it for me, it needs the plates renewed and he won’t help me with that—there isn’t any use in getting my license back if I have no car to drive. I’m stuck in the country seven miles from the nearest small town and have no friends there. The friends I did have are an hour away and have probably forgotten about me. My best friend is in North Carolina. You, readers, are it for me. If it were not for my computer I would be completely alone. Yet, he wonders why I’m unhappy. He just doesn’t get it.
Now, for those of you that haven’t followed along with my story, and are not privy to the details, I don’t want you thinking that this is the way I’ve always been, and he somehow ‘saved’ me by bringing me to the country, giving me a home, and enabling me to stay home and play housewife. Far from it! When we got together I was completely independent, had a good job managing a bar, I had a ton of friends and acquaintances, my social calendar was full, I was able to travel and did, and had about sixty thousand dollars in the bank from an inheritance. He saved me from nothing! What he did, in fact, was steal my life from me. I loved him. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. But as obvious as this may seem, it was easy to overlook, because he can be so damn wonderful when he wants to be. I never lack for affection or hearing the words “I love you”. He has no real bad habits, doesn’t cheat, and has great work ethic. He is in some ways perfect.
I’m really battling with myself right now. My son is finally settled in school and doing well. I’m doing everything I can not to rock that boat and try and keep things stable for his sake. If I were to choose to take steps to leave I know it would make things more difficult on him. I don’t know how much longer I can stay like this though. It’s exhausting for me to be this unhappy all the time and try and ‘work’ through it. Most days I am able to. I have my blogging community to keep me company and take my mind off shit, but then there are those days, like today, when it’s obvious that time is marching on without me and that the only life I’ve been given to live I’m squandering to meet someone elses needs. Men call it mid-life crisis. No, it’s just that it usually takes most of us women this long to get sick and tired of being someone to everyone, and never being anyone to ourselves!
Well, I guess it was my day to drop the humor and boo-hoo for a bit. There’s no wit in my words today. No dry humor to be found. Not even sarcasm, I’m afraid. Today is one of those days I use for a reality check. I’m getting old. This is one explanation I can come up with as to why I never seem to enjoy myself when I do get the opportunity to go out. I’m too old to pretend I’m enjoying myself just to appease someone else anymore.