Literally, Up Shit Creek Without A Paddle!

Before I begin today’s post, just let me tell you how much I appreciate the comments I got from yesterdays. It was so nice this morning to turn on my computer and read in your words that you all understood how I felt. No, I mean it. Sometimes I feel really alone in my pain, and just to hear someone validate my feelings makes a huge difference. It lets me know I’m not completely alone. So anyway, thanks. Thanks for taking the time out to drop me a few words.

Hmm…where to begin today? Okay, I’m going to go to a place that I probably shouldn’t….yeah, I am…what the hell! Before any of you start to recoil in fear that I’m going to have another political breakdown and rant, let me assure you that I won’t. Ha..ha.. No, this subject is way nastier than that one. Let’s have a conversation about colon cleansing.

Yeah, I wasn’t going to bring this up, because although my email address is Pissy Kittys Litter Box, and I discuss a lot of other shit, talking about actual shit is not something I’m normally comfortable with. Umm…nor do I pass gas in public. Just a thing about me, I guess. Funny, huh? I wear combat boots, have tattoos, cuss better than most bikers I know, and yet I have a problem giving other’s a courtesy sniff. Hey, there’s gotta be something about me that’s feminine, dammit! Anyway, I just wanted to make all that clear before I begin this post, so you realize how difficult it is for me to talk about. But I’m going there. Yes, I am. Know why? Because I promised I was going to keep this damn thing honest, and well…this is something I’ve experienced.

Okay, any of you ever gone through a phase where you feel like you’ve lost control of certain vital parts of your life, so you begin trying to control other ones to almost make up for it? I mean doing shit like changing everything about the way you look to make yourself feel better, because you can’t change any other crappy thing in your life, and it’s the one thing you actually have control over? Oh, I know you have. We’re women and that’s what we do! Well, this is what’s been happening to me lately, and I’m only just beginning to realize it. I’m trying to compensate for one thing by doing another.

So I got this notion not long ago that part of my problem was I didn’t have enough energy and had to do something about it. I figured the first thing I could do was get a little healthier to at least rule that out, and if after I was still feeling like shit would know then it was all depression and in my head. You know, like that would be a stretch for me, or something!  So I posted how I’d invested with the few pennies I had set aside in some really good vitamins (which by the way really are starting to make me feel a lot better, if you don’t mind the fact that the overload of B-vitamins make you piss a neon yellow so bright you could color eggs with them), and a Marisa Tomei workout video (which NO…I still haven’t used, but I did watch it while smoking a cigarette remember? That’s gotta count for something!), but what I failed to mention out of embarrassment was that I also invested in a colon cleanser. Why would I go there? Everyone is doing it, right? It’ll make you feel like a million bucks afterwards, right?

I actually made the final decision to do this after reading someone else’s blog. She too got on a ‘kick’ where she wanted to fix herself, and went into details about her colon trip, and the destination she arrived at was that she really did feel better at the end. I might mention now that once I read she felt better, I completely blocked out all the little details of her journey. So having read this, and assuming…you know…that this blogger was now the leading authority on colon cleansing or some shit, I ordered myself a bottle of OxyPowder—which is what she used—and planned on taking this journey myself right after the weekend of my anniversary was over. No sense in taking any chances of having to shit while out enjoying the evening.

Okay, so I started taking these pills last Monday, and this is how it’s supposed to work. First night before bed you take four of them with a glass of water. The next day if you don’t have three to five movements you up the dose by two pills to six. If you still don’t have three to five movements the following day, you up the dose by two more pills to eight, etc.. until you finally have the required three to five movements. Are you following me so far? Once you’ve finally reached the dosage that gives you these, then you are to take that dosage for seven nights in a row to completely flush out your system. Understand how that works? Okay, moving right along.

Yeah, so here I was Monday night doing four, which showed no results on Tuesday. Tuesday night I did six, which showed no results on Wednesday (ya, know other than the usual shit. Sorry for the pun!). So Wednesday night I took eight, and the next day ((Eureeka!!)) No, I didn’t get three to five. I got like a bazillion! I told my husband I thought a few weeks worth of meals gave way all at once. No, I mean it was freaking bad! So now I’m beginning to wonder, is this how it’s supposed to work? Holy cow!

Now this probably wouldn’t be so bad if all I had to do was get through that one day, but really began questioning if I could get through all seven. SEVEN! I only hoped they all wouldn’t be as bad as the first. I was determined however that since I started this I was going to finish it, and wasn’t wasting the money spent on this stuff, so I pressed on. No, the following days weren’t as bad as the first, by day three I was just ‘pissing’ out my butt, because my colon was as clean as a newly-scrubbed floor. In fact, I told my husband it was clean enough one could eat off it. Yeah, he found that distasteful too….which is why I repeated it to him over and over and over again! Anytime I can get a dig in, you know….

I now only have tonight’s dosage to take and I’m done with this cleanse. I made it through the whole week, but I gotta admit it was touch and go there for a while. Yeah, I’d recommend this if your full of shit (sorry about the pun again!), but be prepared not to have a life outside of your house for a good week. Putting it as delicately as possible—Yeah, I know…why start now, huh?—Urethra’s are meant to hold in liquids, not your bung. Get it? I mean, the one day I actually had the courage to leave the comfort of my home and private potty I was forced to use public urinals for that use. Ewwwww!! That, and yesterday was Mother’s Day, it was warm and beautiful, the old man wanted to take me riding on the Harley all day, and I couldn’t go for fear I would soil my panties and the bike seat. Just sooo not worth it, I think! I’d much rather put up with that bloated, uncomfortable feeling if need be. Oh, and umm…I don’t feel any freaking different, I might add. Where’s all this energy I’m supposed to have now?

In closing, I’d just like to say that I shared this experience with you as a warning to be careful just what lengths you’re willing to go to in order to fix what’s broken in your life. It may literally leave you up shit creek without a paddle! Ha..ha..ha.. I just crack myself up!!!

Have a nice day, Ladies!

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16 Comments on “Literally, Up Shit Creek Without A Paddle!”

  1. Spectra says:

    Hah! I have the ‘cheese addiction’ too. I would dream about cheese, put cheeses in soups, potatoes, homemade pizza and quiche – but I am dairy intolerant, so I no longer buy my ‘crack’. But when I feel weak for it, I order a pizza, like last night, and just suffer the consequences.

    Well, there is protein in cheese. But lots of fat and cholesterol, too. Keeps my weight down to be intolerant of both cheese(dairy) and wheat/bread.

    And now my neighbor just handed me a veggie sandwhich…on bread with copious amounts of cheese…what to do?

    Eat it, that’s what. (then pay the price)

    • Oh my gosh, you sound like me with crab and lobster meat! I don’t know if it’s something with the particular shell they come in, but I can eat every other source of seafood, yet these two I’m deathly allergic of. I break out in a sweat, my stomach cramps like I have food poisoning, my skin doesn’t break out in a rash but it begins to itch terribly…so you’d think I would stay the hell away from both of them, right? Yeah, right!I can’t eat at Red Lobster and not order appetizers that have both in it. And I try to be good and only have like one…which never happens…and then end up paying the price and hurling the meal afterwards. Gotta tell you though it was worth it, because it tastes so good going down. Now cheese…I would lose it if I couldn’t have my cheese! Any cheese…oooh…and especially cottage cheese and drippy mozzarella.

  2. Spectra says:

    Thanks for all the info, Charlie nitric.

    Hey, Pissy – I don’t mind a colon cleanse at all – but I got mine from GNC, and it was a ‘candida’ cleanse- same thing, but 2x a day, no smell, no pain, no diareah, no discomfort. It was great. But I am a person who loves to ‘clear it all out’. I make it a point to have a salad a day (also my dedicated blog to that end, http://www.salad-a-day.blogspot.com) with lots of leafy greens, veggies, some nuts nuts nuts! maybe apple/pear/grapefruit/avacado – depends. Lots of fibre. Without it…shit, you know…

    Good post. Honest. People do these cleanses to feel better, because we are desperate to feel better. But it actually works for me, mostly using foods. Walnuts and grapes and apples together are magic. Barley can be clearing for many people. Radish greens and chard and kale and spinach and lettuces…all good.

    • I love veggies, but I don’t eat enough of them. Well, in the summertime I do. I eat tons of veggies and fruits then. Guess what I’m addicted to all the time though…’cheese’. And now you know why my insides are probably so messed up. I love cheese! Shredded, chunk, melted…I eat it with almost anything and everything. No slacking on dairy here on my end. Fortunately I’m not a huge, red meat fan, or I’d probably be the worse for wear.

  3. Hi Kitty –

    Just to brighten up your evening, did you know that the average person walks around with 35 lbs. of pure crap lined in their intestinal walls? Picture 35 lbs. of ground beef! No go and poop it all at once, lol.

    The reason why I mention this is because one reason your urine is yellow is because of the coloring in the tablets. The other reason is that you’re urinating nutrients from the vits that were not assimilated by your body. They are not being absorbed.

    A colon cleanse is helpful but I always like ongoing natural food cleansing. Try this and see it you start stinking up your potty room more regularly.

    Try adding fiber thru foods, and fiber vits too!

    Mornings: oatmeal, banana, whole wheat 12-grain bread, an egg or two, and some lean meats. Lots of water all day long! Eat nuts, nuts, nuts.

    Mid-morning: fruits, the good poopin’ kind, like peaches, apples, grapes, pineapple, strawberries and all berries, peaches..green veggies..protein fiber bar. Lots of water all day long! Eat nuts, nuts, nuts.

    Lunch: good lean meat sandwich with the high fiber bread, lettuce, tomato, cheese (if ur not lactose intolerant)…ad lots of green veggies on the side here. Lots of water all day long! Eat nuts, nuts, nuts.

    Mid-afternoon: more fruits but stop here. No more fruits after 3-4pm. Protein fiber bar, excellemente’! Lots of water all day long. Eat nuts, nuts, nuts. No more, or very little carbs until the next morning.

    Dinner: any lean meats, fish, lots of veggies; careful to watch carbs! Drink with your meal. Potatoes are good carbs IF you don’t put a lot of extra yummy stuff on it. That will add BAD calories and also reverse the pooping effect. It will also slow down your metabolism.

    After Dinner Delights: Get your mind out of the gutter! Try any nuts, fiber bars, again lots of water; no fruits at all. Peanut butter excellent with the high fiber bread before sleeping. Also, great are eggs, lean meats, all protein. Lots of water.

    You want to keep your metabolism jacked up, rockin’ n rolling, and burning to reduce body fat. Combined with your excessive water intake, and the food combos I’ve listed above (high fiber, fruits, veggies, lean meats) you will self cleanse while reducing your body fat index. You will loses inches and quality weight loss.

    Prrrr try this for a few weeks. Great post! 🙂

    • Well, aren’t you just a wealth of information! Goodness..
      I thought it was 5 to 10 pounds of crap. 35 lbs! Really? Before this cleanse I think I weighed about 120 give or take a couple pounds, so if that’s true that’s about a fourth of my body weight. So I am full of shit after all?! 😉 I have no clue what I’m weighing in at now, but if it has anything to do with the way I feel…um, about 7 lbs. No, just kidding.
      Yeah, I’m going to have to change my diet, because I know I don’t want to do THIS again. It’s impossible to have a life while you’re doing it. Hey, but last night was my last dosage so after today I should be back to normal.

      • Hey Kitty –

        I’ve often wondered how science calculates this type of info. What if it is really 5-10 lbs, in your case for example? My goodness, that’s a lot of Charmin!!!

        Those cleanses can’t be run. I hear they make you feel badly. A better diet is my suggestion and experience. Once cleansed, the little hairs that line your intestinal walls, called cilia, regenerate and are able to absorb more of the nutrients in the foods (and vits) you consume. More bang for your buck and increased energy. You feel better. 🙂

      • You know, Charmin would’ve been lovely. Thanks for the reminder that our toilet paper sucks too…thus the ass feeling like feet that went on a long hike bare-footed. What is it with men, anyway? My husband will spend $2.50 on an energy drink every morning that lasts him about ten minutes, but God-forbid he spends a dollar-forty on a decent four-pack of tissue that’ll last for a few days. WTF?

  4. AAAARGH. You are v brave (I think). I don’t clean any parts of my house that no-one gets to see, and the same applies to my body. If I can’t see it it is OK. Hope you week leaves you feeling full of vim and vigour.

    • Not courage so much as stupidity I think. Hey, I like that idea of not cleaning anything someone won’t see. Works for me!
      I don’t know about vim and vigor. We’re having a spontaneous heat wave today, it’s 94 and humid. Of all days I made a meatloaf in the oven. Umm..we don’t have air in our farmhouse and I feel like I’m literally melting. Again, what in the world was I thinking?
      I’m not very bright these days!

  5. HA!

    I know all about the feeling that inspired this. Before an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer where she cuts my hair, I’d never recognized that was the source of the feeling: just wanting to be in control of something!

    Now I’ve got a little toddler I’m in charge of–so ha! Except . . . as it turns out . . . he’s kinda in charge of me.

    I guess it’s time to consider taming this mane!

  6. The Hook says:

    I hope that “Have a nice day” applies tot he fellas, as well! Hang in there!

  7. lifereconnected says:

    LOL! “Moving right along…” You are a hoot. Or an eejit, can’t decide which! You might begin to feel good in a few days. But just as a wee caveat – my sister went on a pretty radical ‘detox’ diet – off drink(that’s alcohol here), red meat, diary products, caffine blah blah. result? Came down with the worst chest infection she has ever had 😦 I will read your next few posts with bated breath…

    • Oh, no! God I hope I don’t have any funky repercussions from this crap. I don’t feel anything bad yet anyway…well, other than the fact that my ass feels like feet that went on a long hike barefooted. Yeah, sucks to be me right now! I’ll tell ya honestly, I don’t think it was worth the price, or the week in hell I went through. Next time I consider something like this, I think I’ll just settle for eating a lot of greasy food to get things moving and call it good.
      Hmm…you think maybe the fact that I substituted coffee and beer all week for the spring-water I was supposed to be drinking had something to do with it? Oh well, my bad again!
      Oh, and Penny…I’ll make sure I let you know how everything ‘comes out’. Ha..ha..