Literally, Up Shit Creek Without A Paddle!Posted: May 9, 2011
Before I begin today’s post, just let me tell you how much I appreciate the comments I got from yesterdays. It was so nice this morning to turn on my computer and read in your words that you all understood how I felt. No, I mean it. Sometimes I feel really alone in my pain, and just to hear someone validate my feelings makes a huge difference. It lets me know I’m not completely alone. So anyway, thanks. Thanks for taking the time out to drop me a few words.
Hmm…where to begin today? Okay, I’m going to go to a place that I probably shouldn’t….yeah, I am…what the hell! Before any of you start to recoil in fear that I’m going to have another political breakdown and rant, let me assure you that I won’t. Ha..ha.. No, this subject is way nastier than that one. Let’s have a conversation about colon cleansing.
Yeah, I wasn’t going to bring this up, because although my email address is Pissy Kittys Litter Box, and I discuss a lot of other shit, talking about actual shit is not something I’m normally comfortable with. Umm…nor do I pass gas in public. Just a thing about me, I guess. Funny, huh? I wear combat boots, have tattoos, cuss better than most bikers I know, and yet I have a problem giving other’s a courtesy sniff. Hey, there’s gotta be something about me that’s feminine, dammit! Anyway, I just wanted to make all that clear before I begin this post, so you realize how difficult it is for me to talk about. But I’m going there. Yes, I am. Know why? Because I promised I was going to keep this damn thing honest, and well…this is something I’ve experienced.
Okay, any of you ever gone through a phase where you feel like you’ve lost control of certain vital parts of your life, so you begin trying to control other ones to almost make up for it? I mean doing shit like changing everything about the way you look to make yourself feel better, because you can’t change any other crappy thing in your life, and it’s the one thing you actually have control over? Oh, I know you have. We’re women and that’s what we do! Well, this is what’s been happening to me lately, and I’m only just beginning to realize it. I’m trying to compensate for one thing by doing another.
So I got this notion not long ago that part of my problem was I didn’t have enough energy and had to do something about it. I figured the first thing I could do was get a little healthier to at least rule that out, and if after I was still feeling like shit would know then it was all depression and in my head. You know, like that would be a stretch for me, or something! So I posted how I’d invested with the few pennies I had set aside in some really good vitamins (which by the way really are starting to make me feel a lot better, if you don’t mind the fact that the overload of B-vitamins make you piss a neon yellow so bright you could color eggs with them), and a Marisa Tomei workout video (which NO…I still haven’t used, but I did watch it while smoking a cigarette remember? That’s gotta count for something!), but what I failed to mention out of embarrassment was that I also invested in a colon cleanser. Why would I go there? Everyone is doing it, right? It’ll make you feel like a million bucks afterwards, right?
I actually made the final decision to do this after reading someone else’s blog. She too got on a ‘kick’ where she wanted to fix herself, and went into details about her colon trip, and the destination she arrived at was that she really did feel better at the end. I might mention now that once I read she felt better, I completely blocked out all the little details of her journey. So having read this, and assuming…you know…that this blogger was now the leading authority on colon cleansing or some shit, I ordered myself a bottle of OxyPowder—which is what she used—and planned on taking this journey myself right after the weekend of my anniversary was over. No sense in taking any chances of having to shit while out enjoying the evening.
Okay, so I started taking these pills last Monday, and this is how it’s supposed to work. First night before bed you take four of them with a glass of water. The next day if you don’t have three to five movements you up the dose by two pills to six. If you still don’t have three to five movements the following day, you up the dose by two more pills to eight, etc.. until you finally have the required three to five movements. Are you following me so far? Once you’ve finally reached the dosage that gives you these, then you are to take that dosage for seven nights in a row to completely flush out your system. Understand how that works? Okay, moving right along.
Yeah, so here I was Monday night doing four, which showed no results on Tuesday. Tuesday night I did six, which showed no results on Wednesday (ya, know other than the usual shit. Sorry for the pun!). So Wednesday night I took eight, and the next day ((Eureeka!!)) No, I didn’t get three to five. I got like a bazillion! I told my husband I thought a few weeks worth of meals gave way all at once. No, I mean it was freaking bad! So now I’m beginning to wonder, is this how it’s supposed to work? Holy cow!
Now this probably wouldn’t be so bad if all I had to do was get through that one day, but really began questioning if I could get through all seven. SEVEN! I only hoped they all wouldn’t be as bad as the first. I was determined however that since I started this I was going to finish it, and wasn’t wasting the money spent on this stuff, so I pressed on. No, the following days weren’t as bad as the first, by day three I was just ‘pissing’ out my butt, because my colon was as clean as a newly-scrubbed floor. In fact, I told my husband it was clean enough one could eat off it. Yeah, he found that distasteful too….which is why I repeated it to him over and over and over again! Anytime I can get a dig in, you know….
I now only have tonight’s dosage to take and I’m done with this cleanse. I made it through the whole week, but I gotta admit it was touch and go there for a while. Yeah, I’d recommend this if your full of shit (sorry about the pun again!), but be prepared not to have a life outside of your house for a good week. Putting it as delicately as possible—Yeah, I know…why start now, huh?—Urethra’s are meant to hold in liquids, not your bung. Get it? I mean, the one day I actually had the courage to leave the comfort of my home and private potty I was forced to use public urinals for that use. Ewwwww!! That, and yesterday was Mother’s Day, it was warm and beautiful, the old man wanted to take me riding on the Harley all day, and I couldn’t go for fear I would soil my panties and the bike seat. Just sooo not worth it, I think! I’d much rather put up with that bloated, uncomfortable feeling if need be. Oh, and umm…I don’t feel any freaking different, I might add. Where’s all this energy I’m supposed to have now?
In closing, I’d just like to say that I shared this experience with you as a warning to be careful just what lengths you’re willing to go to in order to fix what’s broken in your life. It may literally leave you up shit creek without a paddle! Ha..ha..ha.. I just crack myself up!!!
Have a nice day, Ladies!