Motherhood Is Not For The Weak!

Pandora still hasn’t had her kittens.

My cat is huge. My cat is miserable. I’m beginning to think she may be the only cat in the history of cats that’ll never drop them, but rather carry adult cats around inside her. It’s as if her little, swollen body has said, “Nope! Ain’t gonna do it! Ain’t gonna happen! Birth seems like it could be really painful, so…nope, not this body!” She’s at the point now where’s she’s dragging base on the ground, is listless most of the time, and has chosen to lay right in the path of the bathroom so we have to step over her. I have no idea what that is about, unless it’s her way of screaming at us, “See…I’m still fucking pregnant, and am making sure none of you half-wits forgets about me!”

Lucretia and the kittens are doing well. Of course, their little eyes aren’t opened yet, but they’re definitely more active, and have learned in the last several days how to fight for teet. I almost feel sorry for Lucretia—notice I said almost—when she lays there looking at me while they’re crawling all over her, as if to say “Motherhood sucks already!” And I shamelessly admit, I have probably antagonized the situation a bit myself. Every once in a while I catch her when she creeps from her cage and I know that they must all be asleep. She wanders a bit, stretches her legs, appears to be getting a well-needed break, so I rush in and wake them up. Once she hears them she walks back in and I swear gives me a crusty look like, “What the hell do you think you’re doing? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get all five asleep?” I have a momentary lapse of sanity where I’m like the mad doctor wringing his hands and laughing hysterically, “Yeah, how much does that suck? You know what really sucks? Cats that make you trip while your trying to walk. Cats that are spoiled and constantly hungry. Cats that scratch the litter out of the box. Cat’s that think my eight hundred dollar couch is a scratching post. Cats that crawl on my counters and knock shit off, and I have to pick it up. Now that’s what really sucks! How’s it feel? How’s it feel? Na-na-na-na-na!” Yeah, I know…they have medication for this, huh?

Argghhh! I am so bored I could scream! Given that it’s only 7:46 in the morning, I hope that’s not an omen for how the rest of my day is going to go. We got a reprieve from the heat, but now it’s wet and gloomy out. I’m showing signs of Spring fever and am really antsy. You’d think I’d be used to it by now being cooped up in this house for the last three years, but I’m not; it’s just getting worse. During the winter it’s easier to convince myself that I’m supposed to be inside, because everyone is hibernating. Come Spring though, it’s a completely different story. I start to think about everyone out riding their scoots, partying together, hanging out on Friday nights at the bar with friends, boating on the weekends, attending concerts, swap meets, etc. I start to remember the full life I had prior to this empty one and this feeling squirms in me like a parasite and makes living the life I have difficult.

Why do I have to choose between my husband and having a life? That’s what I want to know. Other wives don’t. Other husbands don’t expect them to. Why me? I know many would think if that’s the case then choose the life. I mean, fuck him! Who does he think he is to take away your freedom and happiness? I wish the decision were that easy. If he were abusive it would be. He’s not. He’s actually a really good guy, and we’ve adapted well into a life together. For the most part we’re happy, so why do I have to choose? Why? Because he’s insecure, that’s why. He’s afraid that bar, those people, my old friends and life, are going to steal me away from him. The only way he can ensure that won’t happen is to keep me tied to this house. I had no idea before how suffocating love could actually be.

I just need a break. I need a break from worrying about what needs to be done, and who needs to be taken care of. I need a break from the cats, the dogs, the kid, and the hubby. I just want to have some fun. Is that so terrible? My kid has tried to convince me I’m too old to have fun. I am? When does someone get too old to have fun? When does someone get too old to enjoy life? As far as I know that only happens when you’re dead, right? I don’t plan to be dead for a while. I can still kick my limber leg over the back of the bike. I can still shoot a mean game of eight-ball (well, liquor helps). I can still fit my ass in a bathing suit and go swimming. I can still do a lot of things. It seems to me that the only disability I have is my husband and son who think my life should revolve around theirs, and in order for it to do that I have to be sitting here waiting for them to need me 24/7. Case in point: My husband came home last night from work. We’d planned to grill out, but he didn’t seem to be in any real hurry, and sat down on the couch and started dozing off (he gets up at four am so that’s to be expected). Okay, so I get up and go sit at the computer to check my emails. Once he starts hearing me typing he’s wide a wake and tells me he’s going to start the grill, which is my cue to get off my ass and gets some sides going. Wanna know why? He hates it when my attention is diverted away from him. You can laugh and don’t have to believe me, but it’s the truth. I can sit here for hours doing nothing and neither him nor the kid will have nil to say to me, but the moment I get on this computer or am…God forbid…on the phone with someone, it’s twenty questions, I’m needed to look at something, or needed to do this or that. It’s truly as if they can’t stand the thought that my life is not preoccupied by theirs.

Eh, I’m just bitching. I’m bored and feeling sorry for myself. I have to do that once in a while, because if I don’t know one will. There’s no rest for the weary and wicked, and definitely no sympathy round here. Hey, if any of you are going out tonight have a drink and a little fun for me! I can live vicariously if I have to. I’ve seen me do it! Just make sure the details tomorrow are spicy!! 😉

10 thoughts on “Motherhood Is Not For The Weak!

  1. PS if its any consolation, which i’m sure its not, I have had a funny day today. Ended up posting a bit of my journal from when my dad began to get sick. Not sure why. And we’ve again had very black clouds and heavy heavy rain – convinced I’m affected by the weather so feeling a bit under it if you know what I mean!

  2. I feel for you, I really do. Spring can be a time I think to make any restlessness take off full throttle. But there has to be some compromise surely – If you can’t drive and it doesn’t look like you are going to be able to soon then maybe you need to adapt some other way – is moving house to somewhere more accessible totally out of the question? You’re going to go out of your skull I think if you can’t get out more! Can you talk to your hubby about this without him getting all defensive? Don’t mean to sound cheeky just think you do need to do something and sometimes when you really talk about it it changes. Not necessarily how you imagine 🙂 I always think boredom is a good thing though – probably means change is on the way. Not sure what else to suggest other than keep writing it out – better out than in! Can you take photos of those kittens?

    1. Nah, moving isn’t a possibility. I’m sooo stuck out here in hicks-ville, U.S.A. The hubby doesn’t want to talk about whether I need a little freedom or not. He’s made it perfectly clear that the reason he isn’t helping me get my license or fix my car is because he doesn’t want me going back to the bar where he met me, or hanging around those people again. God, it infuriates me. He acts as though I was a drug-addict or something and is afraid for me to go around these people because they contribute to my habit. It’s ridiculous. I did nothing wrong when I was around them…well, other than have drinks and fun! He just doesn’t care for them because they never really took to him. That, and he says when I get around them a switch goes off and I become someone else. YEAH…MYSELF! God forbid I’m allowed to have a thought or a little fun without him. Penny, I really don’t know how I got to this place!
      I’m working off my old computer tower until my husband gets around to taking our new one in to get the virus cleaned out of it, and he seems in no hurry. This one doesn’t have a place for me to plug in my digital camera, if you can believe that. Talk about outdated! The best I could do is take a few shots with my cell phone and email them to myself. Right now they’re in the kitchen in a cozy corner, and it’s a little too dim to get a good shot. I tried to take one, but let me see if it shows up well enough in my email.

      1. I can believe all of that. Less than 7 months ago I had no internet connection, laptop or a camera. And I didn’t even have a bloody house! So I sympathise. And if you had told me then I would be able to set up a blog and be able to comment on others I’d have laughed in your face! Things will change, they always do. At least we have our blogs!! You need to create some wee way to get a bit of independence-I’ll let you know if I have any flashes of inspiration but don’t hold your breath in the meantime. Enjoy your pussies!

      2. Inspire away, because I’m at a complete loss as to how to gain any independence. And you know, I completely understand about the blog thing. I had been thinking about it for some time, but frankly too afraid to start one until the first of the year, because I didn’t think I’d know how to set one up, and also didn’t think a soul would want to read my shit. I just made up my mind I was doing it for me, even if no one did. It turned out to be one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. Look…I made a new friend…You!

  3. Ok, I am just gonna say it to you, like you said it to us. WHO THE HELL DO THEY THINK THEY ARE? Your life needs to revolve around what YOU want, it can include them absolutely. But you need to grab the reins and take hold dear. You are NOT too old to have fun, and deserve to have a life outside of your house. You are a prisoner in your own home. What the hell? Hubby needs to figure out his issues and deal with it. Good luck with it all girl xox

      Oh girl, I have no idea how a strong woman such as myself let things completely get away from me and out of hand. Truly I don’t. If you knew me in the ‘real’ world the way Pandora Patty does you’d see that I’m one of the most ballsy, audacious, fun-loving, free-spirited women you’ve ever met. Love brought me here. Love took it all away from me. I don’t recommend it to anyone. Sometimes I wish I could just walk away in spite of the way I feel, but unfortunately it’s not that easy. My hands and feet are bound. NEVER…ABSOLUTELY NEVER…ALLOW YOURSELF TO LOSE THE ABILITY TO EARN A LIVING AND BECOME DEPENDENT ON SOMEONE. NEVER LOSE THE PRIVILEGE YOU NOW HAVE TO DRIVE THAT ENSURES YOUR FREEDOM. NEVER LOSE YOUR OWN OPINION AND THE OPPORTUNITIES YOU NOW HAVE TO THINK FOR YOURSELF. DON’T SAY IT CAN’T HAPPEN. IT CAN! JUST MAKE SURE YOU DON’T LET IT!!

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