Geeze-Louise…I just got done cleaning up almost 700 old emails from my AOL account. Whew, that’s taxing! And no, I’m not that popular. As if! No, rather it’s an account I’ve had for nearly seven years; every advertiser in the world has this address because I used to be a compulsive, online window-shopper, and well…I’ve been really lazy with it lately due to my blog addiction. Oh, I know you all understand! Now don’t get me wrong I check it, I just don’t discard everything right away. Besides, I have three other email addresses that I have to tend to. Yes, each serves a purpose. I just like to be organized, thank you.
I came across one that an old friend I haven’t talked to for a while had sent me, I read, and had forgotten to respond to. It wasn’t anything personally intended for me, but rather one of those little ditties that are forwarded to several on ones contact list. Still, we hadn’t talked for a while, and I thought I would use that as an excuse to say ‘Hi’ and then got preoccupied again. My mind is just getting terrible about that kind of thing anymore. When I came back across it this morning I decided to send him that ‘Hello’—albeit a little late—and gave him my blog address in case he’d like to stop by and catch up on my life…cause you know I don’t leave anything out! I hope he does. He’s one of those few friends that I don’t want to lose touch with.
I admit I don’t have many friends anymore, and the ones I do still consider my friends I never get the chance to see because of distance or circumstance. Sadly, my much older, brother-in-law that I look up to was accurate when he told me years ago if you can count off all the fingers on one hand with your true friends then consider yourself very lucky. I poo-pooed that idea back then, stating emphatically that I had dozens of friends that were my true friends, and he was just an old fart that no one liked, and that was his own fault. ((Sigh)) I was so young and naïve back then. He truly is one of the wisest men I’ve ever met, and has proven it in so many ways, which is why I admire him so much today. Yes, he was right. I can count all my ‘true’ friends on one hand, and sadly I can’t count off all my fingers anymore because of the death of a couple. I suppose that’s why the ones I do have left I consider so precious.
I’ve been reminded of these precious friendships a lot in the past couple of days because of emails I’ve received. The first came from Pandora Patty, and then I happened across this one from my old buddy. Both have shown kindness to me in ways I feel I can never repay; perhaps because I try not to take kindness for granted. I try never to just ‘expect’ something from anyone. You see, I have this little problem with something called ‘Pride’, and would truly rather gnaw off my arm than take what I consider a hand-up or hand-out, even if I really need it. Fortunately for me, I guess, I need a couple friends like these in my life that refuse to accept my saying ‘No thanks’ as an answer once in a while. And I admit, the moments I’ve really needed them they just seem to know and present these very appreciated gifts.
He was the friend who would take an afternoon off from work just to get me out of the house and take me for lunch, billiards, and drinks. After one of these afternoons I found a hundred dollar bill tucked in my purse after I got home. Another time we were unable to get together for my birthday, but he made sure he stuck a fifty in a card and dropped it off to me. Money that the rest of you might consider not a big deal at all, can go a long way for someone that has no income of her own, most generally does without personal things, and that money affords her to do something nice for herself. Had it been offered to me he knew I wouldn’t have accepted it. That he made sure I had it despite my reservations or the damn pride I have, is a true testimony of friendship in my book, because he knew I needed it. That is truly a friend when you have nothing to offer them and they don’t care.
Now Pandora Patty is going to be mad at me for doing this, because she doesn’t like attention drawn to herself or her generosity. How many people do you know that do something out of kindness that desire no reward, acknowledgment, or put a feather in their own cap for it? Huh? How many? You don’t need many fingers to count do you? I know. There aren’t many. Well, my girl is one. You know, it’s not even that she’s been the rock I’ve leaned on for many years now; the one I cry to and yell at over my shitty circumstances, or call while I’m drunk and interrupt…who still takes the time to talk to me and get me through every single, fucking problem I have and unleash on her, and trust me there’s many. It’s not even that she spent her own hard-earned money to buy me a round trip plane ticket a couple years ago to have me close to her so she could help me through the first anniversary of my oldest, dearest friends suicide, or that she arranged for us to spend the weekend in Myrtle Beach, and did all the driving herself to add a little enjoyment to my life. It’s not even that I just got an email from her telling me that she wants me to go to Key West this coming Labor Day with her and her other friend, and I was not to worry about my share of the expense, and that it would be covered. A vacation that we’d originally started planning together, that I soon realized I could not afford, and had to just back out of. Why is she willing to do this? Because she said she couldn’t imagine experiencing Key West for the first time without me, since it was something we’d wanted to do together. No, it wasn’t any of these things that make her so special, though any single one of these could be considered a grand gesture on it’s own. You know what it is? It’s that she totally ignores everything she’s ever done for me, takes absolutely no credit for it, and instead tells me how much she loves me and thanks me for being there for her when she’s needed me. WOW! As shitty as my life is, God has truly blessed me with a friend that more than compensates for it. And that people, is how you know if someone is a friend! They love you even if you’re poor as a church mouse, and have nothing left to contribute to the friendship! Absolutely-fucking-unbelievable!
I’m glad I’m blessed with these slap-in-the-face moments that serve to wake me up and show me that there are still things I have to be thankful for. It’s real easy sometimes for me to forget that, begin to feel that the disappointments in life far outweighs the good, I want to just pull the covers up over my head, and emotionally checkout. There are times the checking-out part doesn’t seem too great a task, because I feel like I’ve never really had the opportunity to check-in to my own life, anyway. Times when I wonder if anybody would ever really miss me, because I barely exist in the first place… I know you readers understand. We are a messed-up, motley crew, aren’t we? Separate, we’re completely fucked up! Together, well…still fucked up, but the shitty journey is much more enjoyable. And yes, I appreciate you guys too. Every time one of you stops by to say ‘hello’ I know I’m not alone anymore.
Well, that’s about enough of a post for today. This miserable rag is getting emotional, and I can’t have that. It totally ruins the Bitch persona that I’ve strived so hard to create. If I keep writing you all might mistake me for a nice person or something. And we can’t have that now, can we?