Have you ever noticed that there are times when things start happening around you that are no less obvious then someone standing in the middle of the room with a sign directing you what you should do? And for me something like this would be necessary, because I’m a visual person and being told what I should do isn’t always enough. I’m famous for turning my back on advice. Call that the old, I-will-do-as-I-damn-well-please, and-then-if-I-screw-up-I-have-no-one-to-blame-but-myself attitude. I find then at least I have fewer regrets when personal attempts fail. I’m not sure, but perhaps God has picked up on this little quirk about me, and that’s why I’m susceptible to a lot of vivid dreams. I’m a show-me kind of person. Perhaps it’s nothing more than my mind wanting, needing, to see something right now as an excuse to take a leap of faith. Who knows? Anyway, whether intentional or simply coincidental, I saw something yesterday that opened my eyes even more. Something I haven’t been able to stop thinking about.
I don’t normally watch much or any television during the day. I catch a little of the Today Show in the morning, jump on my computer for a while, usually have laundry and light housework to fill my day, with an occasional tryst on the pc . If I do catch something it’s normally an episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” and/or “Cold Case Files” in the afternoon, because subjects such as forensic medicine, criminology, the intricate minds of serial killers, etc. fascinate me. I don’t know if that makes me twisted, or means I’ve completely missed my calling as a detective or something, any-hoo… The point is, for me to sit down and actually start watching a movie in the afternoon, is well…rare, especially this type movie. No offense, but I’m not a huge, Adam Sandler fan. I tend to lean more towards drama and horror than comedy. Anyway, I sat down, was waiting for the kid to come home from school, it was on, there seemed to be little else that interested me, so I began watching it. The show was “Click”.
Now I’ve seen this movie before, and I know I have, because I remember watching it with my son. I don’t know why, but I never got it before yesterday. Who knows, maybe I didn’t need to till now. Have you seen it? It’s a pretty powerful, damn movie if you’re paying attention. In a nutshell to sum it up: A guy is consumed with his job and getting ahead, obsessed with getting a promotion that he feels is the brass ring for all the hard work he’s been doing, but overwhelmed with trying to juggle that and family. Everyday things such as dinners with family, arguing, children, even foreplay with his wife seem time-consuming and aggravate him. Then as an added insult he needs a new ‘clicker’ and goes to the store to get a remote control for his tv. There he meets who he thinks is a salesman that gives him what the guy refers to as his ‘top of the line model’ that’s not even on the market yet. He takes the thing home and soon realizes that this ‘special’ remote can literally work on his life. Pause what’s going on, fast-forward through events, mute arguments, etc. He begins to use it for everything, only to find out that an added feature is that it has the ability to memorize your actions and how you use it, and begins to fast-forward him through events itself, because it recognizes the patterns of his behavior. The guys’ life literally starts skipping years and through trivial events. In the end he realizes he missed his entire life in a flash. Now I’m not going to tell you the end if you haven’t watched it, all I’m going to say is if you question whether the choices you’re making in your life are the right ones you need to rent out this movie. It’s one of those that make you say, “Hmmm…”
I watched the end of this Adam Sandler movie nearly in tears. I don’t know, maybe it’s menopause and nothing more than a chemical imbalance that caused the reaction, but nevertheless a strong reaction is what I got. I literally sat on my couch and started doing a personal inventory of my life. I didn’t just think about my life since I’ve been out here in the country with my husband, but the totality of it. I came to the conclusion that I have clicked my way through my whole life. I ‘clicked’ my way through most of my childhood trying to grow up and get out of that house, with the aid of alcohol and drugs in my teens to help this along some. I shut myself down emotionally and ‘clicked’ my way through my first marriage so I could deal with the adultery and abuse, and my second so I wouldn’t have to deal with the realization that I had once again sold myself short for a man, was forced to give up going to college and was stuck home raising kids at his insistence, and then the pain of recognizing I did all this in vain because I’d never really loved him. Now I find as I’m sitting there on the couch yesterday that I have ‘clicked’ through another seven years in this marriage. I have literally, little if anything to show for these relationships other than the three children I have. I was/am so miserable in each and every one that I’ve shut myself down, burrowed my head, and tried to get through every day with as little emotion as possible to save myself from the exhaustion. In the relationships with husbands alone I realized I’ve lost 24 years. 24 Damn Years I have spent allowing my life to be dictated by someone and ignoring my wants and needs! Sadly, this doesn’t even include the couple other men I were engaged to that never went the distance. I’m 48 years old, and over half of my life I have been unhappily living someone elses!
I’ve known this for sometime actually. I guess the scope of it didn’t hit me till I watched that movie and saw my life in terms of segments. I’ve skipped over so many things just trying to cope with the here and now. No wonder it’s so easy for me to live in the past and feel like everything took place just yesterday. I often say that it feels as if I were tending bar just a year ago, the memories of my life then still so vivid in my mind. I now know why. It was the last time I had really lived and enjoyed my life. It was the last time I felt like I was a contributing member of society. It was the last time I felt ‘complete’ as a person. It’s been real easy for me to block out the last seven years because I have nothing to show for them: Very little income, social life, or time with family; few holiday celebrations, etc. I’ve skipped over seven-damn-years! As I sit here now I realize I’m wasting even more precious time. Even one day at this point is precious, isn’t it? I’ve been nothing more than a hamster on a wheel running frantically to nowhere. Nowhere!!
I don’t know what I need to do in the future. Take some online classes maybe to perk up the clerical skills I’ve already got under my belt to make me more employable. I know I can’t go back to bartending or heavy lifting again, because the last seven years have also brought with it a whiplash and sciatica problems I never had before, and now anything and everything I do aggravates it. Still, there’s got to be something for someone such as myself. I refuse to believe that this is the end of my life and I have nothing more to contribute. I know my sister who lives off disability tried to talk me into trying to get it, but even though I’ve had no other income other than a small amount of occasional child support for years, I’ve refused. There was something that told me no matter how bleak things seemed not to give up on myself. That there was still a lot of myself left untapped to offer. I know none of this matters though, unless I can get my legs back underneath me. I absolutely have to get my license back and my car fixed. There’s just no two ways about it. Come hell or high water that’s my goal. These are the only shackles that bind me, and once I’m freed of them there’s a good chance I can better myself…with or without him.
Okay, so all I ask from you readers is to send a small prayer in my direction. I may not set the most wonderful example of what a Christian is, and may be slightly confused as to man’s beliefs on religion, but I do still believe there is a God that looks upon us lovingly, gives a gust of wind to quicken our pace when we’re moving too slow, throws stumbling blocks in our way to slow us down when we’re moving too fast, detours to change direction so we’ll start taking the right path, and roadblocks to stop us all together if we’ve gone too far and gotten ahead of ourselves. I do believe this, as surely as I believe right now He’s trying to tell me something. Prayer can be mighty powerful, so send a little my way, okay?