((Click)) Your Life Is Over!

Have you ever noticed that there are times when things start happening around you that are no less obvious then someone standing in the middle of the room with a sign directing you what you should do? And for me something like this would be necessary, because I’m a visual person and being told what I should do isn’t always enough. I’m famous for turning my back on advice. Call that the old, I-will-do-as-I-damn-well-please, and-then-if-I-screw-up-I-have-no-one-to-blame-but-myself attitude. I find then at least I have fewer regrets when personal attempts fail. I’m not sure, but perhaps God has picked up on this little quirk about me, and that’s why I’m susceptible to a lot of vivid dreams. I’m a show-me kind of person. Perhaps it’s nothing more than my mind wanting, needing, to see something right now as an excuse to take a leap of faith. Who knows? Anyway, whether intentional or simply coincidental, I saw something yesterday that opened my eyes even more. Something I haven’t been able to stop thinking about.

I don’t normally watch much or any television during the day. I catch a little of the Today Show in the morning, jump on my computer for a while, usually have laundry and light housework to fill my day, with an occasional tryst on the pc . If I do catch something it’s normally an episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” and/or “Cold Case Files” in the afternoon, because subjects such as forensic medicine, criminology, the intricate minds of serial killers, etc. fascinate me. I don’t know if that makes me twisted, or means I’ve completely missed my calling as a detective or something, any-hoo… The point is, for me to sit down and actually start watching a movie in the afternoon, is well…rare, especially this type movie. No offense, but I’m not a huge, Adam Sandler fan. I tend to lean more towards drama and horror than comedy. Anyway, I sat down, was waiting for the kid to come home from school, it was on, there seemed to be little else that interested me, so I began watching it. The show was “Click”.

Now I’ve seen this movie before, and I know I have, because I remember watching it with my son. I don’t know why, but I never got it before yesterday. Who knows, maybe I didn’t need to till now. Have you seen it? It’s a pretty powerful, damn movie if you’re paying attention. In a nutshell to sum it up: A guy is consumed with his job and getting ahead, obsessed with getting a promotion that he feels is the brass ring for all the hard work he’s been doing, but overwhelmed with trying to juggle that and family. Everyday things such as dinners with family, arguing, children, even foreplay with his wife seem time-consuming and aggravate him. Then as an added insult he needs a new ‘clicker’ and goes to the store to get a remote control for his tv. There he meets who he thinks is a salesman that gives him what the guy refers to as his ‘top of the line model’ that’s not even on the market yet. He takes the thing home and soon realizes that this ‘special’ remote can literally work on his life. Pause what’s going on, fast-forward through events, mute arguments, etc. He begins to use it for everything, only to find out that an added feature is that it has the ability to memorize your actions and how you use it, and begins to fast-forward him through events itself, because it recognizes the patterns of his behavior. The guys’ life literally starts skipping years and through trivial events. In the end he realizes he missed his entire life in a flash. Now I’m not going to tell you the end if you haven’t watched it, all I’m going to say is if you question whether the choices you’re making in your life are the right ones you need to rent out this movie. It’s one of those that make you say, “Hmmm…”

I watched the end of this Adam Sandler movie nearly in tears. I don’t know, maybe it’s menopause and nothing more than a chemical imbalance that caused the reaction, but nevertheless a strong reaction is what I got. I literally sat on my couch and started doing a personal inventory of my life. I didn’t just think about my life since I’ve been out here in the country with my husband, but the totality of it. I came to the conclusion that I have clicked my way through my whole life. I ‘clicked’ my way through most of my childhood trying to grow up and get out of that house, with the aid of alcohol and drugs in my teens to help this along some. I shut myself down emotionally and ‘clicked’ my way through my first marriage so I could deal with the adultery and abuse, and my second so I wouldn’t have to deal with the realization that I had once again sold myself short for a man, was forced to give up going to college and was stuck home raising kids at his insistence, and then the pain of recognizing I did all this in vain because I’d never really loved him. Now I find as I’m sitting there on the couch yesterday that I have ‘clicked’ through another seven years in this marriage. I have literally, little if anything to show for these relationships other than the three children I have. I was/am so miserable in each and every one that I’ve shut myself down, burrowed my head, and tried to get through every day with as little emotion as possible to save myself from the exhaustion. In the relationships with husbands alone I realized I’ve lost 24 years. 24 Damn Years I have spent allowing my life to be dictated by someone and ignoring my wants and needs! Sadly, this doesn’t even include the couple other men I were engaged to that never went the distance. I’m 48 years old, and over half of my life I have been unhappily living someone elses!

I’ve known this for sometime actually. I guess the scope of it didn’t hit me till I watched that movie and saw my life in terms of segments. I’ve skipped over so many things just trying to cope with the here and now. No wonder it’s so easy for me to live in the past and feel like everything took place just yesterday. I often say that it feels as if I were tending bar just a year ago, the memories of my life then still so vivid in my mind. I now know why. It was the last time I had really lived and enjoyed my life. It was the last time I felt like I was a contributing member of society. It was the last time I felt ‘complete’ as a person. It’s been real easy for me to block out the last seven years because I have nothing to show for them: Very little income, social life, or time with family; few holiday celebrations, etc. I’ve skipped over seven-damn-years! As I sit here now I realize I’m wasting even more precious time. Even one day at this point is precious, isn’t it? I’ve been nothing more than a hamster on a wheel running frantically to nowhere. Nowhere!!

I don’t know what I need to do in the future. Take some online classes maybe to perk up the clerical skills I’ve already got under my belt to make me more employable. I know I can’t go back to bartending or heavy lifting again, because the last seven years have also brought with it a whiplash and sciatica problems I never had before, and now anything and everything I do aggravates it. Still, there’s got to be something for someone such as myself. I refuse to believe that this is the end of my life and I have nothing more to contribute. I know my sister who lives off disability tried to talk me into trying to get it, but even though I’ve had no other income other than a small amount of occasional child support for years, I’ve refused. There was something that told me no matter how bleak things seemed not to give up on myself. That there was still a lot of myself left untapped to offer. I know none of this matters though, unless I can get my legs back underneath me. I absolutely have to get my license back and my car fixed. There’s just no two ways about it.  Come hell or high water that’s my goal. These are the only shackles that bind me, and once I’m freed of them there’s a good chance I can better myself…with or without him.

Okay, so all I ask from you readers is to send a small prayer in my direction. I may not set the most wonderful example of what a Christian is, and may be slightly confused as to man’s beliefs on religion, but I do still believe there is a God that looks upon us lovingly, gives a gust of wind to quicken our pace when we’re moving too slow, throws stumbling blocks in our way to slow us down when we’re moving too fast, detours to change direction so we’ll start taking the right path, and roadblocks to stop us all together if we’ve gone too far and gotten ahead of ourselves. I do believe this, as surely as I believe right now He’s trying to tell me something. Prayer can be mighty powerful, so send a little my way, okay?

21 thoughts on “((Click)) Your Life Is Over!

  1. Thank you, Hook! It must’ve gotten here real quick, cause I’m feeling a lot better today. I painted my nails whore-red yesterday, and just got back in from laying in the sun for a bit. I feel SASSY!

  2. I don’t mean to be nosy. I truly don’t. I’ve just been reading your blog, and recognize a lot of similarities of my own depression. I’m not one to ignore these things. This shit killed my best friend. I don’t want it to take one more life. I know I can’t save everyone, but if I’m able to listen and take the burden off even just one I’m more than willing to do so. Do you know why most of us stay so sick? It’s because we don’t have anyone to talk to. Usually we’ve surrounded ourselves with people who aren’t sick and don’t understand squat about our depression and tell us to just ‘snap out of it!’…cause you know, they act like we want to be this way and could fix it if we didn’t or something, or it’s because we don’t have anyone at all to talk to. This is the reason I started blogging. I’ve been cooped up in my house for three years, the depression has gotten worse, I’ve only had one friend I can really talk to and she’s like 900 miles away, has a job and a life, and not a lot of time for me. It was getting to the point where dying seemed a better alternative then the way I was living. I don’t want to die. Not before I’ve had the chance to really live. And I know there is a life out there for me somewhere. I refuse to believe there’s not. I believe there’s a life for all of us.
    You didn’t say why you were friendless. I don’t want to pry, but is it just because you’re shy and have a hard time approaching people? Or are you like me, a little rough-around the edges, full of dry humor, and not everyone takes well to you? Ha..ha.. If that’s the case, there are more of us than you think out there. I’ve just kind of accepted this about myself, like…”Oh well.” In my situation I’m just plain stuck out here in the sticks with no license, and all of my so-called, old friends, just sort of forgot about me once I lost my license and couldn’t get into the city to hang with them. This situation actually did me a favor though. I found out who really cares about me and who doesn’t, and the ones I don’t need have just sort of weeded themselves out. Good riddance.
    Well, if you want to talk you know where to find me. I also have a private email address on my blog that you can contact me through. I hope all is well with you. Keep the faith.

  3. Thanks for the comment on my blog. I have tons of friends in cyber space, none in real life. I don’t know how to make the leap from writing to reality.

  4. Yeah, what you said, Ms. Penny! I like those words of encouragement. That’s what I need! How about you? Are you trying to tell me that you don’t have your story dying to come out too? Pa…lease! You’re a great writer and have tons of shit to say. I honestly haven’t read stuff from one woman yet that wasn’t worthy to write her own novel. Maybe I’m just fortunate to have surrounded myself with a lot of note-worthy women, I don’t know. I think everyone of us has a great human-interest story to tell.

  5. Book? Definitely! I think this is what you are already doing – writing a book. Get it all down Mrs, you definitely have a story to tell (and maybe for once concentrate on you and your story first). You are defo a writer. Mind you I like the idea of a ‘Bloggers Party – any excuse eh? See, you are full of ideas – act on them, it is your intuitive self guiding you 🙂

  6. God help you but I have probably had my ‘ramble’ button pressed. Anyhow just wanted to say that I read over your post again and thought the fact that you watched this movie before and didn’t like it could be telling you that there is a different way to ‘watch’ your life story? Maybe you haven’t wasted so much time. It has been your life, rich, varied and filled with knocks that have made you into a very strong, passionate, funny and caring woman (I know this and I haven’t even met you – see how powerful your writing is?). Christ (I’ve gone from God to Christ now) I’ve learnt loads from this blog so you are a teacher too!

    1. I like your ramble button. As a matter of fact, I look forward to all you women’s rambling buttons. You don’t know how much you all keep me company and sane most of the time. My life was a helluva lot less satisfying before you all came in it. I gather strength from each and everyone of you. And if you’re learning loads from my blog it’s only because in each of these comments there’s another woman’s story being told, and there’s power in numbers. Who knows, maybe one of these days the book I’m going to write is going to be about all of us. You know something, that is really a good idea. A book that all of us write together by contributing a story about ourselves, how we came to blogging, and what we’ve gotten out of it. We’ll call it “Blogging Through The Blues” or some shit. Ha..ha.. Now who’s rambling? You know, all kidding aside, it could work. I think all of us are more talented then we give ourselves credit for, and women especially just eat up stories about other women that have overcome adversity. You have to admit, we are a very diverse, motley crew. A lot of wicked shit could be written!
      Well, you all have made me feel tons better just from reading your comments. Sometimes I wish I could have you all here with me. I can only imagine how nuts a night out together would be and all the crazy shit each of us would bring to the table. If I ever win the lottery lady, we shall meet…. 🙂

  7. Okay so, I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way right now and I really do recognise some of what you are describing, I really do. Just a couple of observations – you are definitely not wasting your time right now. You are reflecting and expressing beautifully your humanity and for that you should be really proud. Really proud. I’ve just watched a wee inspirational video about how we need to become more aware of the stories that we tell ourselves about how we are feeling and about how most of us just put on a happy front and don’t really tell the truth of how unhappy we are. You are telling your truth and I think that is so good even though it doesn’t feel it at the moment. I think it is when we really get real about where we are in our life and how we really feel that’s when change happens. You write about your feelings so well Lou, honestly it is a gift – you said you and your mum had the same hands, hers to make music and yours I think to express yourself by writing and thereby connecting with others. You know intuitively somewhere what you need to do, it’ll come to you and in the meantime I’m sending what I can (don’t know about prayers but I’m doing my best if that’s what you need!). And isn’t it funny how we can watch a film and see it completely differently this time. hmmm there’s a message there alright -maybe what you need is just a click away? Or maybe you need to ‘switch’ something? Or maybe I have lost my mind?
    PS brilliant photos although not keen on your dress!!!

    1. Oh, you don’t like the dress? But I thought it really flattered my features 😉 Don’t laugh too hard, that could be me sooner than you think if I don’t get out of this house. I can literally feel myself aging and wasting away here. It sucks.
      I hope your right and all these ‘truths’ I’m trying to take a good hard look at and share are going to bring me that much closer to finding myself. You know what they say…”The truth shall set you free.” Being free sounds pretty, friggen good to me right now.
      Yeah, I know I seen that movie before, but damned if it didn’t take all this shit I’m going through to actually make me ‘see’ it. I hope all I need is just a click away, or I need to just switch something, and not a damned divorce away. I do love my husband, Penny. But is all that love worth it if I don’t love myself anymore? I think I just need a break from all this shit. Too much for too long.

  8. This is a heart hurting post. And like a lot of your ‘hurting posts’ I think you will find that many of us (mainly women?) will recognise where you are coming from. I certainly do. When my MS forced me to give up work I discovered that a lot of who I am relates to what I do. And when I gave up work I was empty, and nothing. I am re-inventing myself but it is a long slow process with lots of falls along the way.

    I am not a believer so I can’t send a prayer your way, but I will send all of my best wishes and hopes that it starts to come together for you, and you find a way forward that is right for you. First and foremost you. Not your children, not your family, YOU. Because it sounds as if you are the one who needs the oxygen boost at the moment. Big hugs from afar – if that isn’t being too pushy.

    1. That’s right, you do have MS. God, I am so sorry, and here I am feeling sorry for myself because I can’t get out of the damn house. I guess sometimes I forget that for every trial I go through there is someone that has to deal with something even more life altering than me. Yes, you especially can relate to feeling confined and having to figure out how to reinvent yourself and figure out what the next step in life you need to take will be. It just sucks so bad. I feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life already and that’s what bothers me more than anything. I spent so many years just trying to get by and get kids raised, that I never thought about my future. I have a good husband, I do, but he fails to see that I’ve already been the wife and I need more than just that to complete me now. I need to have a life of my own too. How depressing. Well, that’s fine that you’re not a believer. I’ll gladly accept the hugs from afar, thank you. I still believe though, so I’ll say a prayer for the both of us. 😉

      1. I hope you don’t think I was trying to lay the guilts on you and make you feel sorry for me. I was just trying to say that I do understand where you are coming from: the frustration, the anger, the fear and the pain. And yes it sucks bigger than any vacuum I have ever owned.

      2. Oh no, not at all do I think you were trying to make me feel guilty. I think I’ve gotten to know you some and know better than that. No, it’s only me taking a look at the bigger picture and realizing that I forget sometimes that others have it even worse than I do. As of right now the only medical problems I suffer from are a bad back, and well…depression that I’m starting to get real angry that I have. I can only boo-hoo for so long then I get real bitchy that I’m being such a baby about shit. I just need to stand in front of the mirror and tell myself, “Put on your big-girl panties and quit your damn crying!”
        Hugs back to you too. 🙂

  9. I will send a little your way.

    FWIW, some of what you’ve written here reminds me a lot of my rabbi’s story about how he became a rabbi. He was a practicing attorney at the time he was both shot multiple times and diagnosed with cancer he was fortunate to have survived. After those events, he went, “He’s been trying to tell me something along. What other sign am I waiting for?”

    1. Smart rabbi. Apparently, I’m not so much, because I’ve been tripping over signs ever since I lost my license three years ago. Who knows, maybe it’s menopause that is kicking my ass, and what’s going to kick me into gear. I hope so. Well, it ain’t over till it’s over, is it?

  10. You just made me cry, I totally know where you are coming from and have felt that way most of my life too, in the last four years I have broken free from the trap of living for someone else, I love the man I am with right now, but I really don’t know when I will want to live with him. I have lived alone for four years, and just don’t know that I can give myself up again. He doesn’t really understand my viewpoint on that, but that is his stuff not mine. I won’t lose myself in a man or a relationship ever again. It has been hard making ends meet on my own sometimes, but the Universe always provides you with what you need when you need it. The movie you just watched is proof of that. It just takes one little thing to make you go hmmm…holy shit. I agree that you getting your license and car back is a huge thing. You HAVE to do it, and get yourself back. One step at a time darling, you are so on the right track 🙂 I am so glad you had a ah-ha moment… I am sending you light and love and all the positive energy I can my friend. xoxo

    1. Thank you, I need all the light and love I can get! I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I seem to be in a slump the last few days especially, and unable to pull myself out of it. I know I have to though. Life goes on, right?
      I don’t blame you for being so hesitant about giving too much of yourself to a man again.I keep trying to love over and over again, and although I admit my taste in men is getting better, and I don’t have to deal with the shit I used to, apparently I’m not, because I keep setting myself up to lose myself again and again. I feel so stupid sometimes. It took me forever to pick myself up and get my life straight, I had it really good there for a while, and now here I go again. Ah shit, I’m probably just going through a bad case of cabin-fever or something.

      1. Don’t try to lessen what you feel, you are feeling it for a reason, believe in yourself, you are feeling this way because something isn’t as it should be…you inspired me a lot with this post, it is in my blog for tomorrow. Don’t underestimate your importance girl xoxox

      2. Thanks, Hon. A little validation can go a long way. I think we all need that. I think all of us women are pretty terrific and have a lot to offer. I just need to figure out what my niche is.
        Have you ever felt like you’re living a life that wasn’t destined to be yours? That you’re supposed to be someone different, or doing something different? I’ve felt this my whole life. I’ve never felt like my life is a good ‘fit’ for me. I don’t know, maybe I just expect more than what I’ve been allotted in life.
        Pandora Patty just called me from Seattle, Washington. She and her daughter are catching the ship from there to go on their week-long, Alaskan cruise. This is something she would’ve never been able to do several years back if she hadn’t left her controlling husband. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for my husband or marriage, but I want the opportunity to have those adventures too. Maybe I’m just too jaded to be married anymore, think? I guess time will tell.

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