My weekend thus far has been nothing like I hoped it would be. The weather kept everything damp most of yesterday, and by the time it started clearing I could tell my husband had no intention of going anywhere. I tried to hide my disappointment and join him outside to drink a few beers and listen to some tunes last night, but after killing about a half an hour and not having anything to say to each other I just came back inside. It’s getting harder for me to pretend that everything is fine when we can no longer enjoy each others company. Other than talking about his work, my son, groceries, bills, etc. we don’t communicate. This seems to work for my husband, but isn’t faring very well on my end. He really doesn’t see a problem as long as we’re still consummating the relationship. It wasn’t long after I came in the house before he stuck his head inside and said he was going fishing. I just looked the other way.
Pandora Patty got back from her Alaskan vacation yesterday, and wound up with a drunken me on the phone. I have absolutely got to stop drunk-calling! It’s not uncommon for my husband to leave me sit home alone on the weekends while he runs off to do whatever it is that he does, and there are those times when I indulge in a mood over it. I put on some music that transports me to another time, a better time in my life, drink some beer, begin to have regrets, and need a friend. Unfortunately for Pandora Patty it’s always her. Yesterday was one of those days. To be honest, I recall talking to her, but couldn’t begin to tell you the content of our conversation.
I guess knowing how things work around here, I wasn’t very shocked when our plans fell through for today. I was still pissy over last night and we weren’t speaking. He made no effort to get motivated, but rather laid on the couch watching the outdoors channel all morning and most of the afternoon, so I pretty much stayed in my room. It wasn’t until around six or so this evening when I finally told him just to go fishing. He wasn’t intending on taking me out anyway, if he was home he was going to hog the big screen in the living room, so it was better if he just left and found something to do so I could at least watch some movies. Well, I don’t have to tell him twice. He was up and out of here quicker than shit.
I sit here now alone with this sick feeling in my gut. It’s that not-good feeling we all get when something isn’t right. It was strong enough that it distracted me from watching tv so I just shut it off. I tried getting on Ebay, Craigslist, reading the online news and entertainment, but nothing provided comfort. I guess at that point I figured the only way to ease it would be to purge myself of it, so here I am. Before any of you assumes that this not-good feeling I’m having could be that I doubt my husband’s faithfulness, let me set your mind at ease and tell you not hardly. I should be so damn lucky to have the man cheat on me and give me a valid reason to end it. No, I’m familiar with what it is. I feel it because my mind instantly picks up the familiar pattern. It starts with his blowing off this first warm-weather holiday, and as the disappointment sets in I’m reminded of each and every other summer, and know I’m going to be sitting home all of this one too. It’s much easier in the winter to be home-bound, because many people hibernate away from the cold. The summer is difficult, like tonight is difficult, because I know everyone is out enjoying this beautiful weather with friends and family, and I have no one. Perhaps I should be used to it, but I’m not. In fact, the opposite is true. It’s getting more difficult to deal with because I know I’m not getting any younger and am losing vital years wasting away in this house.
I hope to be able to get out to see my son tomorrow. Normally visitation is on Saturdays and Sundays, but because tomorrow is a state holiday they allow it on that day too. I think it will really lift my spirits just to be able to put my arms around my boy. My son and I share a strange bond. Although my daughter outwardly is more like me in personality, mannerisms, and shares my love of words and books, it’s my son that is deep emotionally like I am. We attach easily, take things personally, and grieve deeply. We both in our own way try to self-medicate to ease pain we can’t fix because it overwhelms us. I throw myself into my writing and/or alcohol, he chose another way of dealing with it which is why he is where he is today. I’m comforted by him when I’m near him, because we don’t have to share words to understand the other. We have what I guess you could call a ‘knowing’. I need that right now. I suspect he probably does too, even more-so than I.
I know most of you fellow blogger-buddies go through lonely periods as I do–which I suppose is why we all have grown so close to the other–but I really hope that this is not the case for you all this weekend. I hope each and every one of you is kicking it up and having the time of your life. We only have one you know, and I’m under the belief that this life should be used and abused till you’re exhausted. I hope someday soon to be able to resume mine, and fully intend to take my own advice. Till then…