In Typical Fashion This Weekend Was…

My weekend thus far has been nothing like I hoped it would be. The weather kept everything damp most of yesterday, and by the time it started clearing I could tell my husband had no intention of going anywhere. I tried to hide my disappointment and join him outside to drink a few beers and listen to some tunes last night, but after killing about a half an hour and not having anything to say to each other I just came back inside. It’s getting harder for me to pretend that everything is fine when we can no longer enjoy each others company. Other than talking about his work, my son, groceries, bills, etc. we don’t communicate. This seems to work for my husband, but isn’t faring very well on my end. He really doesn’t see a problem as long as we’re still consummating the relationship. It wasn’t long after I came in the house before he stuck his head inside and said he was going fishing. I just looked the other way.

Pandora Patty got back from her Alaskan vacation yesterday, and wound up with a drunken me on the phone. I have absolutely got to stop drunk-calling! It’s not uncommon for my husband to leave me sit home alone on the weekends while he runs off to do whatever it is that he does, and there are those times when I indulge in a mood over it. I put on some music that transports me to another time, a better time in my life, drink some beer, begin to have regrets, and need a friend. Unfortunately for Pandora Patty it’s always her. Yesterday was one of those days. To be honest, I recall talking to her, but couldn’t begin to tell you the content of our conversation.

I guess knowing how things work around here, I wasn’t very shocked when our plans fell through for today. I was still pissy over last night and we weren’t speaking. He made no effort to get motivated, but rather laid on the couch watching the outdoors channel all morning and most of the afternoon, so I pretty much stayed in my room. It wasn’t until around six or so this evening when I finally told him just to go fishing. He wasn’t intending on taking me out anyway, if he was home he was going to hog the big screen in the living room, so it was better if he just left and found something to do so I could at least watch some movies. Well, I don’t have to tell him twice. He was up and out of here quicker than shit.

I sit here now alone with this sick feeling in my gut. It’s that not-good feeling we all get when something isn’t right. It was strong enough that it distracted me from watching tv so I just shut it off. I tried getting on Ebay, Craigslist, reading the online news and entertainment, but nothing provided comfort. I guess at that point I figured the only way to ease it would be to purge myself of it, so here I am. Before any of you assumes that this not-good feeling I’m having could be that I doubt my husband’s faithfulness, let me set your mind at ease and tell you not hardly. I should be so damn lucky to have the man cheat on me and give me a valid reason to end it. No, I’m familiar with what it is. I feel it because my mind instantly picks up the familiar pattern. It starts with his blowing off this first warm-weather holiday, and as the disappointment sets in I’m reminded of each and every other summer, and know I’m going to be sitting home all of this one too. It’s much easier in the winter to be home-bound, because many people hibernate away from the cold. The summer is difficult, like tonight is difficult, because I know everyone is out enjoying this beautiful weather with friends and family, and I have no one. Perhaps I should be used to it, but I’m not. In fact, the opposite is true. It’s getting more difficult to deal with because I know I’m not getting any younger and am losing vital years wasting away in this house.

I hope to be able to get out to see my son tomorrow. Normally visitation is on Saturdays and Sundays, but because tomorrow is a state holiday they allow it on that day too. I think it will really lift my spirits just to be able to put my arms around my boy. My son and I share a strange bond. Although my daughter outwardly is more like me in personality, mannerisms, and shares my love of words and books, it’s my son that is deep emotionally like I am. We attach easily, take things personally, and grieve deeply. We both in our own way try to self-medicate to ease pain we can’t fix because it overwhelms us. I throw myself into my writing and/or alcohol, he chose another way of dealing with it which is why he is where he is today. I’m comforted by him when I’m near him, because we don’t have to share words to understand the other. We have what I guess you could call a ‘knowing’. I need that right now. I suspect he probably does too, even more-so than I.

I know most of you fellow blogger-buddies go through lonely periods as I do–which I suppose is why we all have grown so close to the other–but I really hope that this is not the case for you all this weekend. I hope each and every one of you is kicking it up and having the time of your life. We only have one you know, and I’m under the belief that this life should be used and abused till you’re exhausted. I hope someday soon to be able to resume mine, and fully intend to take my own advice. Till then…

10 thoughts on “In Typical Fashion This Weekend Was…

  1. I’m pretty new to the blogosphere so dunno. What you tried looked about right to me. But blogger has been having hissy fits so that could be the problem too. But thanks for dropping by. Things are truly ugly at the moment. Sigh.

    1. Okay, I tried to just subscribe to feed using live bookmarks (whatever that is) and it wanted to download something into a folder, but I wasn’t sure how that would work. Hmm? Not to say that you may not be perfectly happy where you are, but I’ve heard many people have closed their blogs and opened a new one in WordPress because of problems. I’m inching into six months now with my blog, and other than being an idiot in the beginning and it taking forever for me to learn how to put shit together, I have had absolutely no problems with mine. I’m very happy with it, in fact. I’m just saying…it might be something you want to look into.
      I’m sorry things are so ugly for you at the moment. You ever wonder when you’re going to get a break and the bad shit will stop happening? I do all the time. I mean, how much misery is one life expected to handle?
      You know if you ever want to unload on anyone you can go through my aol email address and dump on me 😉 I’m by no means qualified to be a shrink–although I did bartend for a long time and that seems to be part of the job description–but I’m a real good listener, and occasionally pull some sound advice out of my ass. I just can’t fix my own life, if you know what I mean. I hope things improve for you. I’d say we’re all about due for some peace and happiness at this point, don’t ya think?

  2. I hope your days get better!! Communication is key!! Men usually hate talking, but you got to. You gotta have a way to separate you from your home, and your “standard” things around you. It took awhile for my husband and I to figure that one out. With him being gone 60+ hours a week sometimes it does get lonely, so I know how you feel there, and I only have 1 car… I really hope something changes for you though. Have you tried telling him how you feel, like point blank? Maybe he needs the words to slap him in the face? Ha! I am so glad you get to see your son. I know that will defiantly brighten your spirits! ~sending hugs to you~

    1. Yep, my husband is well aware how I feel about everything. I pull no punches in my blog, so you can imagine how I am in the ‘real’ world. It’s not for my lack of trying, and I could’ve probably worn him down by now if it were not for the fact that his resistance seems stronger than my insistence. I am not going out on any limb here when I say that he absolutely does not want me having any kind of a life outside this house. It appears to go as far as not wanting to take me anywhere that I may be able to socialize with others…especially anyone I used to know. I’ve been yelling, screaming, crying, and pleading for three years since I lost my license and became trapped in the country for him to help me get it back. He refuses. It just is what it is till it gets better I suppose.
      I’m not going to get to go see my son today. We woke up to no water again this morning. We’ve been having a lot of problems with our well, and can’t seem to find anyone who has the time or desire to fix it for us (I guess they’re only interested in making the ‘big’ money by putting in a well). That means my husband is going to be spending the day jacking with that, I guess. It’s real windy anyway, and would take twice as much gas to make the drive. Accuweather says 26 mph wind, but it feels more like 50 out here in the country. Maybe next weekend. ((sigh)) My patience and tolerance is really waning.

  3. My comment got gobbled up. I think. In short. I am with you all the way – two way communication other than bed and bills is necessary and I really hope that your time with your son is magic. Hugs

    1. I remember now why I didn’t subscribe to your blog. I couldn’t. I just went on there, read your post, and tried to leave a comment and it won’t let me. I remembered that it did that before too. I put in wordpress, it asked for my blog name, I typed in, and it said I didn’t own that identity. Huh? Why I most certainly do! Ha..ha.. I don’t know what’s going on with that. Am I doing something wrong?
      Anyway, I’m sorry to hear about your hubby’s illness. That kind of thing takes it’s toll on everyone. I’ll be praying for you both. Family is so important. And yes, I have no doubt if I can get down to see my son that the visit will be wonderful for the both of us. I haven’t been able to see him for seven months, so this reunion is long overdue.
      Let me know if there’s a certain way I need to fill stuff out on your page. Normally I just go on someone’s site, leave my comment, and then check the little box that says to notify me of new posts and I’m subscribed. I’m not familiar with anything else. It also doesn’t help that I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed 😉

  4. Not good. It is truly rotten when the only communicating you do with your partner is bills, bed and groceries. I am have been brooding over that one for a while. I need to communicate. And for me at any rate it is a two way thing. Me just mouthing off and getting uh huh, and mmm doesn’t cut it. Except he is in hospital now and I am feeling guilty for having a quiet hissy fit.

    I hope your connection with your son is all that you hoped for and more.


    1. Mouthing off and getting uh huh, and mmm? Yeah, I’m familiar with that. He thinks I’m a nag, but it’s only because there has to be communication about our home, bills, marriage, and if I don’t talk about anything no one will, so I get frustrated. It’s like we’ve stopped caring and just go through the motions anymore. And I suppose that would be fine, if my life was more satisfying, but it’s not. I’m finding fewer and fewer reasons anymore to stay. Oddly, he doesn’t see a problem. As long as the sex is still happening, in his mind nothing is broken. I think I hate men.
      You know, I just realized that I never see your posts pop up in any of my emails. Have I not subscribed? I try to keep up with that kind of thing, but I think my mind is starting to fail me. I’ll have to do some checking into that.
      Hey, thanks for dropping me a line. It was nice hearing from someone tonight. My evening is really crappy.

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