“Shut Up And Eat Your Fucking Lemons!”

“Come and listen to the story about a man named Jed,

A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed,

Then one day he was shooting at some food,

And up through the ground came a bubblin crude.

                                                           Oil that is…black gold…Texas tea.”

Did any of you absolutely love the “Beverly Hillbillies” when you were growing up? I adored them. They were sort of a bunch of dumb-ass’s which reminded me of my family without the whole country hick thing going on, but the world they were living in was magical, and a far cry from the little town in Iowa I lived in. On any given episode you could see shots of marble floors, elegant staircases, a crystal-clear pool in the backyard, men in tuxedo’s, women in gowns, and all behind the doors of a grand house that sat on a perfectly, manicured lawn. That’s what money can buy you, I would think to myself. That’s what being an author can get you. ((sigh)) Sadly, that dream never made it to fruition. I don’t live in a grand house, but rather an old farmhouse I call my hovel, because it’s badly in need of repairs. Anyone else have plaster walls? They suck!, huh? My lawn is not perfectly manicured, and in fact, my son and I keep joking that it’s slowly disappearing. Part of our property looks like a little forest that is overgrown with trees and vegetation. My husband can’t get in there with the riding mower, so he just mows as close to it as he can. Lately, it appears that he’s mowing less and less of it, almost like he hopes we’re not going to notice ‘the forest for the trees’ or something. Well, you know we caught him, cause we’re not blind! I don’t wear designer gowns, and the closest I might get is the night-gown I wear while lounging in bed. There are no marble floors, but ones that are sorely in need of stripping and refinishing. I never finished any of the manuscripts I started for fear I would be laughed at, never became an author, never made a fortune, and never touched anyone’s lives with my words. The story of my life has been about ‘nevers’. But hey, we did find a bubblin pool in our back yard yesterday!

Now before any of you get excited thinking The bitch is rich, and we’re all going to meet and vacation in Fiji together or some shit, I’d better set you straight. Not only am I a poor bitch, but an unlucky one. I couldn’t be lucky enough to hit something like oil. Oh no…in fact the opposite of making money is true. What we found a bubblin was water. Who knows how freaking much this problem in going to cost us! My husband is positive that this is the reason our cistern keeps running dry in a day, but I’m not so sure. Oh, I agree there’s a leak coming up from where a pipe had been repaired a couple of years ago, but that’s an awful lot of water leaking from the cistern. I mean a lot of water! Wouldn’t the whole yard be one, damp, soggy mess? Worst yet, if it is the problem, this pipe is right behind our house…so where’s all that water going…under the house?

I’ll be really honest, I don’t need this shit right now. I’m emotionally at the end of my rope with this house and marriage. It’s not a stretch for me to say that I’ve literally, LITERALLY, gone without water in this house for a good two years in the six and a half I’ve lived here, if not more. For nearly four years straight during the winter the pipes froze; and I mean we had no water in the kitchen at all for two to three months at a time, and would go weeks without water in the bathroom. We would have to do our bathing and laundry elsewhere, and live out of jugs of water. A couple of those years I ran out of water and had to melt snow to do my dishes. Do you have any idea how much snow you have to melt and heat to fill up two sinks with water? It’s insane! That’s not even counting the problems with the water we’ve had at random times with the pipes, the well, etc. I went three months one summer without water at all. I MEAN AT ALL! The well went down, the motor and pump had to be replaced, then there was a leak in the pipe in the yard and my husband spent forever digging to locate it. It was madness. Is it any wonder now I’m cringing at the thought of more repairs? Likewise, my marriage. Without going into details I’ve exhausted a million times before, let me just say that it too is leaking (all the good stuff out), and is sorely in need of repair.

So anyway my friends, Pissy has the entire day off from housework, because the cistern was dry again and the old man shut the jet pump down so it wouldn’t burn up trying to run before it fills. Don’t ask me what all of that means, because I don’t exactly know either. I was a city-girl, remember? I can’t do dishes or laundry, which doesn’t give me a helluva lot else to worry about, does it? Now, I could probably sit and pout all day, fretting over this ill fortune, but I think not. I did enough of that over the weekend, didn’t I? No, I think Pissy is going to pop the tab on a cold one here real soon, and cram her pasty, aging ass into a bikini and hang out in the yard. You know, I used to hate it when people would give me that bullshit about “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade” crap. WELL, I’D NEED WATER FOR THAT, WOULDN’T I? No, I rather like the caption I read on a t-shirt I found on Ebay not long ago. One, I might add, I’m fully intending on purchasing. It simply reads “When life hands you lemons…shut up and eat your fucking lemons!” Yeah, this I can do without water. If push comes to shove, Pissy will mix em with beer!

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20 Comments on ““Shut Up And Eat Your Fucking Lemons!””

  1. I love that parting image so much. I do not, on the other hand, come remotely close to liking the thought of being without water. I had to go several weeks with only a couple of showers overall while doing my whale research, but that was a known hazard of a summer program–not something unexpected, unanticipated and recurring! Bleargh.

    • Oh girl, I wish a few weeks without water is the worst I’ve had to deal with. Truly! Our pipes freeze and crack nearly every damn winter in this un-insulated, old house, and I lose water in different areas. One summer I didn’t have water for three months. THREE MONTHS! I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR! Yeah, my family was frantic and telling me to get the hell out and leave my husband, but I stuck it out. Our well was down, we had lines under the yard that were being dug up, it was madness. Worst yet, we didn’t have water on a hose even. We had to fill jugs and take our showers elsewhere. I’m just about due for a good life now, don’t you think? I’ve more than paid my dues!

  2. Aaaargh. I remember well waterlessness (is that a word). We lived in the country on water tanks for years. And there was often no rain and no water. And flushing the loo was LUXURY. And when we didn’t/couldn’t flush it the damn thing backed up. Not a fun time. Good excuse not to do the washing, washing up or clean the floors though.
    The drinks sound like a necessity – my beverages of choice are red wine or champagne but I’m adaptable.
    Everything crossed for you.
    And so glad that your comments worked at my place.

    • Yeah, I figured out that if I just used my own url and opened up a google account, then I could access everything and subscribe. Who woulda thunk it could be so difficult just to get to you lady! And I thought I was tough. Ha..ha.. Funny thing, I couldn’t figure it out when I was stone-cold sober. Hmm..I wonder if this kind of genius could work on my old manuscripts while drinking?

      • Has to be worth a try. The manuscripts and drinking I mean. Good luck. And I for one would happily read any masterpiece you create.

      • Hey, it worked for Stephen King. Well, until he decided to sober up and be Mr. Fun-Hater. By the way, that is my husband’s alias.
        And that is so sweet of you to say. Well, at least I know one person would buy a book I wrote. Actually, I have been penning a book about my crazy-ass life a little at a time…if I ever get off this damn blog I just might finish it!

  3. jennajadee says:

    Lemons, 😀 Do you have extra I might need em!!! And I agree with livelaughloveliquor you brighten our days by your posts, words, and kindness to. We all go through bad times, but it is good to laugh during those times. Happy Drinking, I would break out my vodka, but I don’t think hubby would like that when he came home lol!

    • Oh, you all are so sweet!!!
      Yep, I’m about ready to pop my fourth beer right now. I soaked up some sun (not that it did a bit of good on my pasty-ass skin, but it’s all about the feel-good vitamin D…doncha know?), and I’m just chillin like a villain.
      Oh goodness. Have a cocktail and crawl on your hubby when he gets home. I promise he’ll forgive you then. Hell, he might try and hook it up intravenously! Men are sooooo easy….

      • jennajadee says:

        I have pasty skin too. This year I am telling people I am a shade darker than Casper. I have never been able to tan 😦
        I would so pour me a drink!! Its over 90 degrees here, so hot to go outside, and you sweat sitting in a chair in the house, pffft. My hubby isnt so easy though, rofl! He works full time and goes to school full time, so by the time he gets home he wants to sit and watch tv before heading to bed. When he is off though he is easy 😉 hahaha!

      • For the last few years I’ve been ordering this stuff off Ebay called ‘Famous Dave’s Moisture Tan’. It’s not a tanning lotion, but a self tanner. This stuff has worked for me better than anything I tried before to mask the pastiness. I put on a coat, wait an hour or so, slap on another coat, sleep in it, and by the next morning I’m a golden brown. Yay! If you decided to order a bottle let me know, and I’ll walk you through the best way to apply it to hands and feet. Unfortunately they haven’t invented something yet that prevents yours paws from turning brown. I always order a box of latex gloves off Ebay when I get a new bottle of tanner. They are so handy to keep around. This year for the first time I ordered Fake Bake, but haven’t bothered to use it yet. I guess we’ll see if it really is the self-tanner of the ‘Stars’.

  4. Ed Williams says:

    I like leaky pipes, but thats just me. ; )

  5. mairedubhtx says:

    Great post. For entertaining for us, but hell for you. Hope the pipe or whatever (I can’t follow technical things that well) gets fixed soon.

    • Me neither. My technical savvy went out the window long time ago. Hey, on a positive note, if I didn’t have so much crap going on 24/7 I wouldn’t have anything to blog about, and I wouldn’t meet new people like you!
      Gotta look at all the little perks in life. If you don’t all you have is those fucking lemons!

  6. Lafemmeroar says:

    I agree with livelaughloveliquor. Also, a good buzz will surely change your “perspective” on things even if it’s just temporary.

    • Oooh, a woman after my own heart. I second…third…that thought! Yeah, what you guys just said!!
      Well, I can’t go with the tequila thing (That shit tastes the equivalent of kerosene to me, though my bestfriend, Pandora Patty loves it). Although I have drank it, and it’s been known to create the monster that my Jack Daniels can, I am a preferred whiskey drinker through and through. Ain’t no spiking that shit with pop. I pull up my big girl panties and drink it like a man. Straight up, or if I want it mixed I add a little water. It ain’t good if you can’t taste it and it doesn’t bite going down. I just love a little nibble now and then! Ha..ha..
      See, I create my own party. I just crack myself up. My husband tells me all the time when I drink and laugh at my own jokes that I’m my own best friend. Good thing too, or I’d be a lonely bitch!

      • Lafemmeroar says:

        Tequila is a creeper. The first time I had it (of course I was in my 20s and had the endurance of Wonder Woman) I didn’t feel the buzz until the 8th shot (I think we were using small shot glasses). After the 13th, I hurled and fell asleep in my friend’s bathroom (I hope it was clean). Since I drank the tequila with lime, I was sooooooo disgusted over the whole episode that I couldn’t eat anything with lime. Even the smell of lime got me sick. Imagine, no thai food, no key lime pie and etc. I didn’t drink tequila again for another 10 years after that.

        I learned to drink Jack and found it to be a very effective buzzer. Since I’ve curtailed my cocktail hours a shot or two with a near empty stomach gives me a flighty buzz for a couple of hours.

        And hey, we need to laugh at our own jokes and sometimes at ourselves … why take life so seriously … we’re all doomed in the end anyway.

      • I just like you more and more. Keep talking!….

  7. I’d prefer to grab a bottle of tequila and a shaker of salt to make good use out of the lemons, but that is just me 🙂
    I can not imagine going w/ out water for those lengths of time. Ugh.
    And i disagree when you said “never touched anyone’s lives with my words. ” You have right here on the blog – give yourself the credit you are due, my friend!
    Hang in there. xoxoxo

    • Ohhhhh, thank you! You just made my day. Now see, I’m glad I continued hanging out reading some posts or I never would’ve caught yours in my emails in time for cocktail hour. Umm..it’s noon here, and where I come from that’s as good as Happy Hour. 😉
      Hold on. I gotta fetch me a beer. (crack…pop…pssss) Ahhh..completely refreshing. A toast to you my new blogger-friend, for brightening up my otherwise sad day, and letting me know my life is not a complete waste of time. Of course if I keep trying to drink away my problems…eh…