I Can’t Get Away From The ((Screaming)) In My Head!

I can’t get away from the ((screaming)) in my head.

I thought I could do this. I thought I could take back some of the time I spend on the computer blogging, use it to focus on getting back into a routine in my housekeeping, thereby finding more time to focus on my personal writing. I am a creature of habit. I’m at my best when I’m on some kind of a schedule. I like to wake up early at approximately the same time everyday–whether it be during the week or on the weekends–drink the first of eight cups of coffee in the pot, and know exactly what needs to be done and do it. I did before. I had a routine for years. Should be simple to go back to, right? Then why isn’t it? I now remember why I stopped. Why blogging became the way I started my day and at times consumed it. It was because writing was the only thing I found that would stop the screaming.

I know most of you women know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re forced day in and day out to work a job you don’t get paid for that seems to have no benefits. You’re forced to walk around in circles all day and look at the same four walls. The routine you have is no less tedious then working on an assembly line. When it’s all said and done at the end of yet another day, after you’ve dusted and polished, washed and folded, dried and put away, vacuumed and fluffed, it all falls a part, no one notices anything has been done, you climb the stairs weary, and ask yourself why you’re still doing it. You’re the last one to get a pat on the back, the last one to make a decision about what kind of pizza to order, the last one to buy a new pair of shoes…always the last. You begin to wonder what it would be like to be first. You begin to dream. You begin to blog the pain away and the screaming subsides…well, for a little while anyway.

You know the screaming I’m talking about. It’s that thing that’s happening when you’re forcing yourself to listen to your husband drone on about another shitty day on his job. It’s the crazies that’s going on when your kids are whining about needing this or that because so and so has it, or wanting to go here and there because they claim they never get to go anywhere. It’s that mad little woman running around inside of your head stamping her feet, pulling out handfuls of her hair, and begging you to open your mouth so she can be heard. She begs and pleads with you to please stand up for yourself; to tell your husband to shut the fuck up and that you should be so lucky to be making so damn much money everyday, and ask him how he would like it if he had to go to work at a job where he wasn’t appreciated, had to kiss his bosses ass everyday, and walk out of there without a paycheck at the end of the week. She pounds on the inner walls of your skull demanding that you slap the shit out of those ungrateful kids of yours, and whine “Boo-fucking-hoo, how would you like to be me, go nowhere, and do absolutely nothing, and listen to me cry in my freaking cheerios?” She does this, but still you say little, you nod your head a lot, you find yourself staring off into space when you shouldn’t be, and sometimes…every once in a while…you’re able to silence her as she sympathizes while you cry. When that’s not possible though, you cast this pain through your words onto the brightly lit screen of your pc, press enter, send it off into space, and hope someone can hear your cries.

Today I’ve had such a day. Tonight hasn’t been any better. The word Divorce is being kicked back and forth like a hacky sack. No compromise is in sight. I’m tired and feel no fight left in me. I want out, but am wandering around in the dark looking for a door, and can’t find one without a flashlight to guide me. I have no resources. I feel completely at his mercy. I pray the heavens suddenly open and rain down on me with currency so I can buy me a new life. I want to get in my car and drive away with the wind in my face through the opened window, and the reflection of the prison I now call home in my rear-view mirror. I want…. In the meantime I create it on paper, because words can make anything seem real.

14 thoughts on “I Can’t Get Away From The ((Screaming)) In My Head!

  1. You can do it. šŸ™‚ Stay positive, play sounds that make you smile, play it loud!!! When you move his things out of the room, dance and sing… he might come in and see you happily move his things, it might be an eye opener, but it might not. Men seem to use their weight against us. I agree with everyone though. You need to make a plan, figure something out, and work on your own time to get it done. Another thing, is start ignoring hubby. Maybe eventually his negative ways will start coming about.. if he talks to you walk away, if he stops you in a corner duck around and go outside. Praying for ya sister! You can do this. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be yourself.. You have lost enough, and now its time to start getting it back!

    1. Wise words, Mini-Me…and ones I’m going to heed.
      I’ve decided it best not to remove his things from the bedroom though, but rather remove myself. This way I have some control. If I don’t it’s easy for him just to come in and take up residence if he pleases…and trust me…he will. Remember, it’s all about controlling how I think, feel, and what I do. I know what to expect if I disobey. He’ll begin to cut off any and all resources I have. Controlling men do this when they begin to lose that control. First it will be that he conveniently forgets to bring me home cigarettes. Then if that won’t work to put me in my place and make me more compliant I know I will lose the ability to get a ride from him to go see my son or get to the places I need to go, and he’ll use that it’s just inconvenient for him as an excuse. These are things he’ll do to reiterate how much I actually need him. He’ll do it in such a way as to try not to look like the bad guy though. If there’s one thing I can say for my husband, he’s honed the ability to be discreet with his intentions. I know all these things because I’ve been here before. MANY TIMES. And to give you a head’s up, the next thing to go will be my phone and internet so that I don’t have access to the outside world. He controls that and will pull the plug on it. THIS TOO I HAVE DEALT WITH BEFORE. So if suddenly Lou goes off the air and no one can reach her, rest assured I’m fine. I’m just stuck in a temporary hell where I won’t have so much as a picture of a snowstorm on my pc to cool the heat. I’ll get back to you. I promise. And I’ll probably be blogging from the great state of North Carolina when I do. Just don’t jump to negative conclusions and worry about me, okay? You know exactly what I’m talking about Jenna. Sometime you have to walk through the fire to get to the source of the flame so you can put it out. I am going to be just fine.

    1. Well, I think at this point I’m going to have to lop off a dead limb (namely, my old man) and cast it aside, in order to be mobile again and get away from the voices. I just need to take my own damn advice that I give others everyday, which is to listen to what your gut is telling you and act on it without fear. I hate hypocrites and feel like I’m becoming one because I can’t take my own advice. Man, this sucks the big one!

  2. Glad I came back online in time to read this. You are definately in some trouble, a crisis. Making a plan of attack on paper can help. Like an outline. 1. Do this, then 2. do this. etc.

    The other thing is faith.

    You can’t be taught ‘faith’, you have to experience it. When everything just begins to flow in your direction, for the good of you and those around you. I have learned from books and others that it begins with ‘appreciation’, that shifts the additude toward our own life, and improves the quality. When I knew I had to recover a sense of peace, happpiness, purpose, a better mood overall, I began with appreciation – the tiniest things. I read “The Secret”. I thanked every morning when I used my blender to build a healthy berry drink. I thanked for my bamboo cutting board, my new (cheap but good Farber) knife set. I was grateful when I had vegetables to cut up and make soup with. Living alone, you also get no appreciation, so I had to build my own sense of appreciation. On the up side, I have noone to blame, really, for my downward moods.

    I learned that a shortage of Vitamin B in the system may contribute to feelings of guilt. I try to remember to take my supplements, and they do get rid of or reduce that nagging sense of doom, of worrying what others must be thinking about me, of guiltful feelings. And exercise. (which I have failed to do for some time now) And prayer.

    SO, what I am going to guarentee you is, that I will pray for you, simple prayers, so that you find what you need. That you develop a sense of peace, somehow, that it will easily come to you. A well lit path that you will know how to follow for your continued betterment. Of course, I need this in my own life as well.

    Be well. My prayers for you begin – right now!

    1. Thank you, Spectra. See, Crazy lady, I knew there was a reason you needed to be back on board! If for no other reason than I need all of you right now, and that you more often than you think say exactly what I need to hear. You’re not all wit and sarcasm. You can be very profound at times.
      I know about appreciation. That’s what’s kept me in this house through winters without heat and water, and with a husband that doesn’t know the first thing about being a husband. I kept telling myself that this was my dream home, that all it needed was a little repair, that I could love it to perfection. I did the same with my husband, telling myself… “At least he doesn’t hit me, at least he doesn’t cheat on me, at least he works, etc.. I convinced myself that the things I had were enough and the way I was living was acceptable. It’s not. The fact is, I can’t turn a blind eye anymore. We’ve never had a marriage. He put this house in he and his father’s name thinking that could keep me from taking it if something happened. Any big decisions he’s made, he’s made with his father, not me. I have no access to the money that goes through this house, have no control over what bills are paid, and I might add that any of the medical bills or fines that I have go left unpaid, because he doesn’t feel this is his problem. And yet I’ve sat here, continued to deal with it, cook, clean house, and make excuses. I don’t anymore. I haven’t been keeping a pristine house in a while, haven’t wanted to be intimate with him–he nearly has to insist on it–and don’t pretend to be happy anymore. I believe because of this is why he’s starting to amp up the control to feel he still ‘owns’ me. I did need to be reminded of the appreciation thing though. Not for this house, not for him, but for myself and my strength. I’ve been down this road before, and the ones I’ve traveled prior were much more difficult than where I am now, and I got through. I told him last night that he needs counseling. He, of course, laughed at that. We’ll see how funny it is when he’s losing me. I’m afraid where we are is, if he doesn’t relinquish control the end is very near.
      Yep, say those prayers. I need them.

    1. It appears this will be the only writing I’m doing right now, because I’m finding it impossible to concentrate on anything else. You know sadly, nothing around here has really changed, but me. In my husband’s eyes he doesn’t get why I’m just suddenly so unhappy (suddenly?), can’t ignore the fact that we’re fighting with the water again, I’m sitting home all by myself during yet another summer, and not driving. To him all these things are a given, have been going on for years, so why am I letting it get to me now? …I mean, this is how we live… I tried to explain to him that this is exactly the reason that it’s getting to me now, because I’ve had to put up with it so long. He’s thick-headed though, and can’t see the forest for the trees. I’m just so fucking tired of fighting a losing battle and being forced to live his life.

  3. Really worrying post. And yes, you are so right. Many of us know those fucking voices. Ugly and insistent voices. That don’t tell us anything we don’t know. Or want to hear – like how to get them to shut the fuck up. I have a few buttons that I would disconnect permanently if I knew where the little bastards lived. The guilt button for starters. The keep the peace button. Both of those, and a few more, make life more comfortable for the people around me. But not me.
    We are with you, so as Redneckprincess says, start those baby steps to reclaiming a life (not an existence) for yourself. Hugs. Big ones.

    1. You hit the nail right on the head….the little buttons they push by what they say and do control me. Apparently I have a whole switchboard of the damn things! Problem is, I’m not feeling as weak as I once did. I blame that on all of you šŸ˜‰
      My son pissed me off first last night, and I went to my room in tears. Then my husband uses that as an excuse to go fishing, by saying he and I need to work through our problems. I DIDN’T WANT TO WORK THROUGH PROBLEMS. I’M TIRED OF BEING DISRESPECTED. So then my son uses that as an excuse to go hang with his friends. I’m sitting here in this empty house looking around and thinking, “Wow…they both play me like a song.” The hubby and I argued when he got home. He tried to over-talk me like he always does. Usually it wears me down, but this time it didn’t. I kept talking and talking and interrupting him, and finally screamed, “YOU CAN’T OVER-YELL ME BUDDY! IT DOESN’T WORK ANYMORE!” Then of course I was nothing but an irrational bitch, who he claims he’s sick of. Sick of me? What?!!! What about what I’m sick of?
      I’m just fed up. My son has five months before he’s eighteen and I’m about ready to ask his bestfriend’s parents if they want to make a little extra money and put him up so he can go to school, and give me an opportunity to get the fuck out of here. Don’t worry though…that was not a getting-ready-to-do-myself-in-post. Rather it was a ready-to-sell-every-damn-thing-I-own-and-leave-the-ungrateful-prick post. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of taking my own life. FUCK HIM! When I leave I intend to take half the assets with me. The last things I would do is make it easier for him to get everything. OOOOH….someone needs to calm me down cause I am ready to explode!!!

  4. Hugs to you my friend, there has to be a way to change what is not working for you, just take one baby step at a time, do one little thing towards your goal everyday. You deserve it girl, you know you do. And you can do it. We are all here for you xoxox

    1. I’m debating today as to whether this is the time to move his things from our room. Yes, it’s gotten to that point. I know if I do though it’s going to be met with a lot of resistant, but he just doesn’t seem to ‘get’ why I don’t want to sleep with him, and I think it might make things easier all the way around.
      Ugh…yesterday and last night was awful. I am sooo at my breaking point. He doesn’t want to change, but doesn’t seem to want to give me a divorce. He keeps telling me to sell all ‘my’ things and file. WTF? I can’t be ‘this’ kind of wife anymore. I’m losing more than my identity now. I’m losing my sanity as well.

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