I Wish I Could Just ‘Delete’ Everything As Easily!

In anticipation of the impending doom that seems to be in the forecast for my immediate future, I thought it best to make a few small changes. I have removed the photo of my husband and I from my About Page out of respect for him, his privacy, and what he would consider his good name. This frees me up from any responsibility I may have had to him to protect him from being recognized. I thought it best to make this move now, given that something is smoldering, fire is imminent, and I can almost guarantee he’s going to get scorched and I’ll be the torch. Discretion is not my best character trait when I’m angry, what little filter I may have had on my mouth and thoughts is now quickly unraveling, and I felt it best not to tempt fate any further than need be. “Hell hath no fury…” I do this only out of love for him and the utmost respect…you see. That being said, and the other being taken care of, I say let’s lynch the prick, shall we?

Okay, now this is where you thought I was going to drop trow and begin shitting on his parade right? Bad bloggers!… Just bad! Okay, I take responsibility for that one. I did set you up, didn’t I? No… not today. Not now.

I’ve decided with a little help from my friends that the worst thing I could do is let my emotions get the best of me. My mother always told me to pick my fights carefully. For those of you who don’t understand what that means…only pick the ones you THINK you can win. You won’t be a bit surprised when I tell you that I listened but seldom heeded that advice, and my feeling always was I can take a beating, but I have a hard time swallowing chunks of pride when forced to walk away (I must have a small throat or something). I truly would rather take an ass kicking from anyone just for the satisfaction of getting in that one poke and letting them at least know I was there. I would and have on more occasions than I would like to admit.  This, however, is different. It’s not just my pride at stake but money. I have to be smarter than the average bear Boo Boo. He’s got control over it and the assets we own, I need it, and making hasty decisions and pissing off the King completely is not going to get me any closer to the crown jewels. So for right now I’m going to observe how he’s playing the game so I can figure out his strategy before I make a move. ((Three cheers for the Bitch with the brilliant mind!)) Hip-Hip-Hooray!

I’m actually sitting here right now feeling more confident than I did went I first got on my blog this morning. I totally forgot that Pandora Patty will be here for a visit in two weeks. That bitch coming in makes my husband cringe like a doctor with one latex glove on. Oh, don’t get me wrong, he loves her…but you can see she “frightens” him. Why you ask? Well, picture a bully on the playground picking on one of the smaller children. He’s able to intimidate, won’t let the child leave when he/she tries to run, and they begin to feel there’s really nothing they can do to defend themselves and get free. Now up walks the bigger brother, shoves the bully with both hands on the chest knocking him down, and laughs as he and the younger sibling walk away. Got that picture? Good….cause that’s Pandora Patty! My husband is terrified of her because he knows that she loves me, she looks out for me, and if she so desires she can be persistent enough to persuade me to leave him. He knows this because together she and I helped her get out of a lousy 25 year marriage. Together we are strong and unstoppable. The problem is, we haven’t been able to get together for a while.

Actually, I find it quite comical, because he really has no room to worry. I wouldn’t just up and walk away from everything the way she did. Although there are moments it sounds tempting. I need to know I have something to get me started. I’m just getting too old at this point to reinvent myself again, going on nothing but Hope to reassure me. Although I do know when this happens I will be staying with her temporarily in North Carolina so I can lick my wounds for a short time, gather my wits together, and put a plan in place. I know this, and more important he knows this. At the most the only thing he has to worry about over this visit is that she will empower me by being with her, and when she goes back home he’s left with the monster she created. Still…let him stew in the juices for a while. Somehow I feel he owes me ‘at least’ that. Yep…a pound of flesh…..

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13 Comments on “I Wish I Could Just ‘Delete’ Everything As Easily!”

  1. Pandora Patty says:

    In answer to your last question here, um HELL NO! You’re the person I know who acts when she finally gets mad enough not to excuse what’s been crawling under her skin and it’s past the point of being bearable. Your worst weakness is not wanting to hurt someone you love — and you do love him. Once you realize that he doesn’t play by the same rules you do, your plan will unfold before your eyes, and you’ll have your V8! No matter how try to justify staying, the thought of being your own person, answering to YOU and no one else, free to live your life without the burden of being responsible for keeping anyone happy besides yourself (refer to above mentioned being your own person)will talk you into doing what you feel in your heart, and your gut, you need to do. Sometimes a frantic decision is actually the best one. I’m living proof. Yes, there was planning, scheming, lying (all things I didn’t think I was capable of), and I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time.
    As far as fearing me, I agree with Elephant’s Child — it’s the Lulu you are when you’re with me that he can’t intimidate or threaten to get his way. Your strength is one I drew on, and he knows I’ll do the same for you. Kissing ass gets him nowhere with me, remember? Two bitches are waaaay more than he can handle.

    • Don’t I know it! Ha..ha.. That’s probably why he doesn’t cheat!
      Hmmm….I wonder if that’s why when we’re together he goes out of his way to be Mr. Wonderful and refers to us as his angels? (Girls…isn’t that the funniest thing you’ve ever heard?) Perhaps he’s smarter than we give him credit for. “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” And you are definitely his biggest nemesis where I’m concerned.
      ((sigh)) If only I could just look at him and see your ex-husbands face I would be home free. I didn’t have an ounce of sympathy for that asshole.
      I am just sooo looking forward to you coming in for a few days. It couldn’t come at a better time. ((YAY! PANDORA PATTY IS COMING HOME! YAY!!!!))

  2. mairedubhtx says:

    I’m glad your friend gives you courage and is able to help you. It’s a terrible realization that things are going to hell but you do have to do something about it because it won’t get any better and you know it. I wish you luck on working out a plan and carrying it out. May it bring you some peace.

    • I know. I’ve been waiting for even the least bit of effort to be made on his part to say that he realizes there is a problem and is willing to put forth an effort, but none has been forthcoming. I could be wrong and perhaps he’s thinking on it more than I give him credit for, but to date I ain’t seen shit. I just have to get myself out of this damn feeling-sorry-for-myself mode and start taking action. I’m really overwhelmed though and don’t have a clue where to begin. Perhaps the peace needs to come before I can plan, think? I need to find a way to get into that comfortable place within myself. I think they call that being ‘calm’ and ‘rational’ don’t they?

  3. There’s so much I want to say on a personal level in response to this post, but I think most of it will have to be reserved for an email. It’ll probably take me a few days, but it will be forthcoming.

    On a writerly front? I loved the below to the infinity power:
    I thought it best to make this move now, given that something is smoldering, fire is imminent, and I can almost guarantee he’s going to get scorched and I’ll be the torch.

    You’re no less powerful than your way with words, and that is powerful indeed.

    • Ah, Deb…you just give me more and more reasons to believe in myself. Yeah, he better just hope that I’m REAL kind when I write out all my memoirs. I have a feeling his chapter–or CHAPTERS–will prove to be less than flattering. “Fat chance you’re gonna get a date after that, fucker!”
      I’m just feeling better and better after talking to you gals! 😉

  4. Yay. The feisty female is back. You rock (and I know I have said that before). And I snickered when you talk of going into losing fights just so they know you were there and were NOT HAPPY. Me too.

    Pandora Patty sounds amazing but I wouldn’t be surprised if you are just as frightening. The brave, brave techniques he has developed to fight against you would suggest that you scare him more than a bit. The controlling techniques you have described sound like schoolyard tactics ‘You’re not my friend anymore. I’m going to take my ball and go home’. Or in his case take your ball (internet access).

    Lots of good thoughts going your way.

    • Thank ya so much Hon for the vote of confidence. You know…you may be onto something that I’d never thought of. I never thought of the fact that perhaps he’s stepped up his A-game with me because I might intimidate him. Hmmmm….. now my wicked little mind is just spinning in circles like a top. Can ya see the cartoon in your head? ha…ha.. And yes, I can be frightening too, unfortunately seldom with those I care about, as I have a tendency to let them walk on me. Pandora Patty’s husband can verify to the fact that my presence is frightening…though he wouldn’t admit to it in quite those words. He still blames me for ruining their marriage. ME? Like I’m responsible for all the crap he did to her or something. Nooo…I was just there for her when she needed me, and told him tough shit that he was supposed to be my friend too…wrong is wrong…and I side with who’s right! And I don’t say that lightly either. I had a very dear friend that I was close to for over fifteen years that I lost recently. Why? Because I wouldn’t tell her what she wanted to hear. I wouldn’t side with her and tell her she had an excuse for treating her old man like shit. I know him well. He’s my husband’s best friend. And I only wish that I were fortunate enough to have a man treat me as well as he did that selfish bitch. Well, the friendship didn’t survive unfortunately. I really don’t care. I don’t play that way. I guess that’s the Scorpio ‘right or wrong’, ‘good or bad’, ‘black or white’ in me. I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman, something either ‘is’ or ‘isn’t’ and I’m gonna call you on it if I see it. I know I wouldn’t want a friend that just tells me what I want to hear if I’m wrong. Call me crazy!

  5. ” I’m just getting too old at this point to reinvent myself again,..” I call Bullshit on that Pissy! you are tough, and i know it. You CAN do it. Something tells me you can do anything you put your mind thru! Dont doubt yourself.

    Best of luck, my prayers are with you. We are here for the ride, if the road gets bumpy along the way. xoxoxox

    • I know you all are. I just hope if he pulls the plug on my pc I can make due with my cell just to at least keep in touch. Damn men! Good-for-freaking-nothing-but-co-breeding-with-and-scratching-an-occasional-itch-we-may-have!
      And you’re right…I am tough! I survived twelve years of abuse, poverty, loss of loved ones, and more heartbreak than one life should be allowed to endure. Still, I’m not walking away empty-handed. No sirree. It ain’t going to happen. I need a damn plan!

    • I just had to second this! You’re tough stuff. That said, my own non-ditto comment shall follow . . .

  6. Brenda says:

    Oh my, I truly hope you both find a way to work things out. Hang in there girlie!

    • Thanks Brenda, but I think it might be a little too late for counting on miracles at this point. Emotionally I’ve already checked out. I’m satisfied that I have stuck this out as long as I could under these conditions, and have made every attempt possible to reconcile the way things are to no avail. I can walk away with a clear conscience. You can’t make someone into something they are not. I can’t make him open his eyes, take responsibility for his part in the destruction of our marriage, nor can I make him seek counseling. Sadly, I do believe in his own twisted, controlling way that he does love me, and that at the last moment he will tell me everything I want to hear to get me to stay. The problem is he’s done that before, I did, and nothing changed. “Fool me once…shame on you. Fool me twice…shame on me.” What he had going for him then is that I loved him with a passion I couldn’t deny. This had a grip on me. I can’t say the same anymore. A person divorces another in their heart long before the paperwork is actually started. If you look at it that way, I’ve already filed. He has but one chance, and it’s right now. He won’t get another once I start taking action.
      I appreciate your support and prayers though. I need them right now. Just knowing I’m not alone helps tremendously. Thank you for that.