Fuck Fake Bake! -7 on a scale of 1 to10

My husband informed me last night that I looked like one of those primitive people in National Geographic, and all I needed was a bone for my hair. Perhaps I should explain…

I am a self-proclaimed connoisseur of self-tanners. I am Scotch-Irish, Dutch, Welsh, French-Canadian, German, with a smidgeon of Indian I’m told. Though you’d play hell finding any Indian in me. I am white! Very fair skin, freckles, fair hair (though that’s a dye job now), and blue eyes that are sensitive enough the sun makes me sneeze when I walk out into it. If…IF…I get any color at all in the summer it’s really too vague to even make a difference. So for someone like me self-tanners are a must. That, and Pissy has put on a few pounds in the last several years and everyone knows a tan is slimming. That being said, I’ve tried all kinds of shit and have faithfully stuck by one for quite a few years now. It’s called Famous Dave’s Moisture Tan and you can find it on Ebay. This summer however, I thought I’d try something else.

I blame this latest fiasco on Kelly Ripa of “Regis and Kelly” fame. She always has such a lovely brown color to her skin that looks really natural, and I read that she uses Fake Bake; as do many celebrities. Soooo….some time back I ordered myself some. Till now I haven’t really had a reason to use it–as I’ve been stuck on the acreage most of the time–but given that Pandora Patty is flying in this weekend, I haven’t seen her in eons, have no idea what we’re going to do after she gets here, I thought it best to get some color in case I want to wear some shorts due to the heatwave we’re having. Well, she’s going to be in Friday afternoon, so I thought yesterday would be a good time to try this stuff, and that way if I messed up some on my knees or feet I’d have time to maybe fix it.

Anyone tried this shit? No? Ohhh…let me enlighten you! 

The color-guide in it works great. Know why? It comes out like poo in a bottle. Yep, it’s that dark! Ain’t gonna miss a spot smearing that ‘shit’ on. I admit it goes on really easy, and after a little circular-rubbing effort rubs in nicely. Could be the fact that it’s like ‘greasy’ poo. Once on you’re like fucked when it comes to getting dressed, sitting down, or getting comfortable at all. I put this crap on around a black bra and black thong, and good thing I did because it is messy and smears on everything! Once on I’m now searching for something to put over it, cause the last thing I want is for my son to come home from camping and find his chubby, middle-aged mother wandering around the house with her blonde hair pulled up in a shower cap, in a thong, with what looks like poo smeared all over her. I mean, that could seriously ruin his future with women. I did find a dark, swimsuit cover up that’s like a tube-top dress and threw that over it; now where and how to sit.

I’M NOT TWENTY ANYMORE! Let’s just clear that up straightway, shall we? I’m not twenty, I don’t look twenty, and my belly and ass is definitely no longer able to pull off twenty. Feel me? When I sat down the first thing I noticed was that the greasy poo was starting to settle into the lines above my muffin-top. So here I am now standing quickly up, and smoothing out said line with the inside of my arm just above my wrist. Now I have too much on my arm, not sure where to wipe that off at, so I bend over, flip the back of my tube-top dress up exposing my bare ass, and am rubbing my arms on that. Don’t laugh. It did the trick! It’s becoming clear to me now that the only safe way to wear this stuff and ensure I’m going to tan evenly is to be in a reclining position, so I find an old sheet, spread it out across the top of my bed, and kick back to watch tv. Few moments later it occurs to me that in doing so my head is tilted forward, and now I’m getting greasy lines in my neck. Good-fucking-grief! Again with the arms; this time rubbing them across my belly. I tilt my head back. I have no idea how long I looked at the bare ceiling. By the way, it has cracks.

Now a couple hours later my husband shows up. He didn’t say anything when I greeted him in the dining room on my way into the kitchen, but only looked at me funny as I was putting meatloaf in the microwave to warm for him. I can imagine how wonderful I looked covered in greasy poo, clad in a tube-top dress with the straps of my bra exposed, and my hair pulled up on top of my head, the tendrils on the sides now slightly greasy too and sticking straight out like the hair in Grandpa Munster’s ears. He didn’t say anything, but then the moment I saw him I warned him not to.

My son came home a bit later and was lounging in the living room when I once again crawled from my bat cave and ventured down the stairs. I’m not even going to bother sharing with you his reaction. From prior posts you should know by now that kid has no tact whatsoever. My husband looked at me and told me I needed to shower. I told him I couldn’t, I had to leave it on.

Hubby:  (Looking incredulous) “You’re not sleeping with that on?”

Me:  “I have to. It says to leave it on all night long or it won’t take properly.”

Hubby:  “It’s already taken. Go wash it off.”

Me:  “No.”

Hubby:  “Yes.”

Me:  “NO!”

Hubby:  “Are you serious? Have you even looked at yourself? You’re fucking face is scary looking.”

Me:  My hands immediately go on my hips and I take my usual I-don’t-care-what-you-say stance. “It’s a color guide. It’s not going to look this way when I wash it off, dummy!” I am sticking  out my ass in one direction and rocking the head in the other.

Hubby:  “God I hope not. You look like one of those people on National Geographic. All you need now is a bone in your hair.” He didn’t even crack a smile. I think he might’ve been serious.

Okay, so I got through the night. The hubby wasn’t pleased, because this shit smells about how it looks, and I refused to sleep on the couch, but crawled in right beside him. Funny, he wasn’t in the mood last night. Maybe I should put this shit on more often. This morning I’ve yet to wash it off, because well…most of it is already wiped clean on my sheets!  I have no idea what this is going to look like when I do, but I’ll tell ya already that any slight discolorations from age spots or freckles I might’ve had on my face before are now as obvious as having Leprosy. I’m giving this product no stars! In fact, is there a way I can rate it in the negative?

The moral of this story: Stick with what you know works. Never do anything that cannot be quickly reversed right before you have plans to be out in public. Don’t use anything with the word Fake in it, cause what you see is what you’re gonna get. More important, if you’re someone that has named your blog after a litterbox with the words “Same Shit…Different Story” in the caption, you can be sure SHIT will happen and it’ll happen to you!

I’m going to go take a shower and cry now.

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34 Comments on “Fuck Fake Bake! -7 on a scale of 1 to10”

  1. Hehehehe…I am just not gonna say a word 🙂 thanks for the chuckle my friend 🙂

    • Oh, I know why Donna. I remember the post you wrote about self-tanners, and the comment I left was that I knew what I was doing. Ha…ha… That came back to kick me in the ass, didn’t it? Ahh…well, it taught me to stick with what I know. I’m glad I gave you a laugh anyway.

  2. Hilarious! I totally feel your pain. I’m so pale I’m see-through.

  3. I stick with my pale skin and call it the “Nicole Kidman look.” Hey, if Nic can do it and get Keith Urban it should be good enough for me and my DH!
    Jodi

    • Atta girl! Good thinking.
      Course Nicole Kidman does have money and talent out the wazoo so that might have something to do with the whole Keith Urban thing, but the rest of us can still dream, can’t we? 🙂

  4. Renee Mason says:

    Totally hysterical post! As a pale Irish redhead, I can empathize. Sunday I found a spray can of some crap left over from four summers ago and thought, “It’s here, how bad could it be?” I think it was called Airbrushed Legs. Five days later, I am rocking brown tiger stripes from my hips to my heels on both legs. Can’t leave the house in anything shorter than a flowing, hippie skirt, channeling Stevie Nicks. Have a blast with Pandora!!

    • Yep, part Irish myself, and it definitely shows.
      I had a can of the Sally Hanson Airbrush Legs, but it was different than the self-tanner. It was more like a leg makeup. Awesome shit. I swear it looks just like pantyhose. Hmm..I wonder why I didn’t just buy a can of that. Stupid…stupid…
      Well, if it means anything, I love the Stevie Nicks Bohemian look, so it’d work for me. Ha..ha..
      Yes, I’m going to enjoy what time I have with her this weekend. It doesn’t happen very often.
      Have a great 4th!

  5. Hahaha! I love this! I too, am a fan of self tanners. I swear by Jergens Natural Glow – foam only. I put in on at night because I can’t stand the smell self-tanners leave on your skin. It goes away after a shower in the morning. I recently had a professional spray tan and ended up looking like an oompa-loompa…totally freaked my kids out. 🙂

    • I tried the Jergens, but I don’t have the patience to keep applying it for a week until a tan starts to show. That’s why I like this Famous Dave’s shit. I put it on, wait an hour or so, put another coat on, sleep in it, and am lightly browned the next morning. And I know what you mean about the oompa-loompa thing. I went to a spray booth quite a few years back. The kind that you have to turn to get your front then back. It worked, if you like to be a desirable shade of rust. I am just so sick of fighting it. I’ve decided come my fiftieth birthday next year I’m going to start growing the gray out of my hair (I grayed prematurely, and it’s now nearly white), and I think maybe I’m going to forego all the rest of the ridiculous crap too. Umm…if I can. I admit, I can be a bit vain. I’m fighting aging with everything I’ve got, and sadly gravity is winning the race anyway.

  6. noobcake says:

    I’m so glad you commented on my blog and I popped over to read this! My stomach hurts so much from laughing! It’s so weird because our youngest has her high school prom today and yesterday I drove her to a spray tan place so she could “look her best!” Apparently that terminology had a different meaning in my out dated dictionary.

    When she came out and asked if she looked okay I couldn’t believe she was asking a serious question. I so wanted to say “Yes, you look beautiful!” But all I could think of was “Um, did you smear your body in crap or what?”

    That didn’t go down very well. The strangest thing is she took a bath when we got home and washed most of it off! Teenage girls…I’m so glad I’m a guy!

    • I often wish I were a guy too! No really. (Of course that would make me gay, cause I couldn’t give up men, but no matter, I’m all for equal rights!) Men seem to be so damn comfortable in their own skin it’s sickening. They have no problem telling it like it is, belch and fart when the air moves them, don’tt worry a bit about something making their ass or waistline look too large, don’t have to put on makeup, could careless about their hair. It must be a wonderful world you all live in. My husband shaves around his goatie, throws his wet hair in a ponytail holder, and ‘WA-LA…he’s good to go. He could careless if his legs don’t tan, sports those calf-tats proudly, not the least bit concerned that he is beginning to look like he’s in his second trimester, and chuckles if he passes gas…cause you know, it’s oh so funny to be with Mr. Sickening out in public. In a perfect world I would be a man!

  7. Spectra says:

    This was so Frickin’ Funny! LOFL!

    I only bought and used a tanner briefly, like 8 or 10 years ago- I kept plastic gloves on to spread it, so I wouldn’t get orange palms. It wasn’t horrible, smelled good, and I did not get tan! And I need it. I am under-belly white. Like a Trout. Oh, well. Gave me something to think about – maybe, for summer, find a good tanner. Or, maybe not. Great post, histerical, laffed my ass off tonight!

    • Doesn’t it suck being white? No one that is able to tan understands.
      I guess I don’t have to warn you about buying Fake Bake at this point, huh? Such awful shit, I can’t even believe it. Yuck! Truly, if anyone is going to go the self-tanner route, try this shit I recommended called Famous Dave’s Moisture Tan on Ebay. No harsh smell, dries in like five minutes (no really), won’t stain your shit, and you get a nice brown tan. Promise. Great stuff! Stupid me though has to listen to advertisements and thought if my stuff is this good, well this Fake Bake should be tons better. Nope! Not even in the running. Hideous crap. ((shudder)) I can’t shake the feeling of this shit on my skin and I’ve showered twice!

  8. oh gosh!! I hate self-tanners :(( Jergens has one that I use to use but it all is about the same. I hope you dont have to wear pants, I wear pants all the time though.

    • No, I don’t care how my damn legs look I’m wearing shorts! It got to 100 degrees today and they’re expecting a high of 98 tomorrow. The heat index will be even higher. Guess I’m just going to have to look like crap because I’m not melting for the sake of looking good. And I do melt. I’m made of sugar, remember? 😉
      Why are you wearing pants? You’re young and beautiful. I’d be showing off them youthful looking legs!

      • rofl!! I can blind a bat 😮 I am working on it though, slowly. lol! and I melt too, because your Mama Lou, and well if you are made of suga than so am I, haha!! and if someone asks what happened to your legs just say you was playing in the mud and it didn’t come off, and if they wanna know more than they dont have to look so close 😛

        • Blind a bat? I think they call that pasty white. ((sigh)) Me too. Friggen sucks, don’t it?
          Are you having a heat wave down there too? I haven’t really been watching the weather so I’m unsure of what everyone else is dealing with right now. It’s miserable here! And…in case you have forgotten I shall remind you once again that the only air in the house is in our bedroom. Yep, hotter than Hades in here! And of course you’d melt too. You’re my lil’ mini-me! 😉

          • yesss miserable here too 😦 90+ degrees, and humid. You lay out and sweat rolls down your body and you think its a bug, you jump and smack yourself for no good reason, lol! Have you pitched a tent in your room? I would!

            • Yeah, been spending most of my time upstairs. Got all my housework done at the crack of dawn while it was still sorta cool. Just killing some time waiting for Patty to get here, and I’m outta here!

  9. Aaaargh. Not fair. And yes I have learnt (the hard way) that fake is fake is fake. And looks that way. And smellls that way. And the celebrities probably have flunkies who apply it – and we all know that they have nooooo body fat to cause wrinkles. Bunch of fakes that they are.

  10. The Hook says:

    OMG, what a hilarious post!

  11. jsh0608 says:

    OMG I’m sorry I was giggling the whole time. But that is horrible and sorry you didn’t get the result you want. but yeah stay away from the fake. :/

  12. -lol- Sorry but I had to laugh! My Mom use to use some stuff similar. She always had lines. That stuff is from the devil. Pain in the ass. Have you ever tried spray tanning? I’ve never done it but I hear it works so much better and drys instantly. As for me, I bake in the sun for 2 hours on 5,000 degrees basting myself every 15 minutes. Once the burn goes away, it’s worth it. Maybe you will figure something out, if not, just get a bone and wear it proudly! ;-D

    • Oh it just sucks! Never again with this crap. Totally overrated. The celebs can have it! Yuck!
      I had intended on doing what you’re doing, but then with the water acting up the way it was I didn’t want to have lotion/sweat on me every day after tanning in case I didn’t have water to shower, so I didn’t get the chance to do it. I just figured I’d slap on this stuff in a pinch. Umm…no!

  13. Just Bren! says:

    OMG! Helpful tip: Pale is the NEW tan! Rock it gf!

    • This is what my husband tells me too. He can’t ever figure out why I don’t want to wear shorts without a tan because he tells me I have beautiful, fair legs. Yeah, ‘fair’ being the key word. Whatever! I think I may listen to him in the future and just say to hell with it.

  14. Oh Noooo!!! That’s horrible! Did you try lotion with it? maybe lotion can balance it out? I hope you can figure out something.

    • I did what I always do. Lotion on the hands, feet, knees, elbows. Moisturizer on the face. Then don gloves and rub it in. After do a bit of wiping on places that were lotioned. Usually works like a charm. Not with this crap! To be honest nearly all of it ended up washing off after I wrote my post, except for some on my feet and knees. What a waste of money. DO NOT BUY FAKE BAKE!!!
      I ended up rubbing some Famous Dave’s Moisture Tan I had left over on my legs hoping to even shit out, so I hope it works. Otherwise I’m going to be doing jeans in ninety-plus degree heat this weekend. Life’s little lessons……