I don’t have it in me today to answer each comment individually…I’m sorry…but thought I would just let you all know how much I appreciate the kind words and cyber hugs you’ve sent. Just hearing from those whose opinions I value that you understand and agree with the difficult decision that is staring my husband and I in the face, means the world to me. Not that it would change my mind if any of you hadn’t, but I suppose it eases my conscience some to know others feel the same way.
Perhaps it’s premature to jump to the assumption that this is a decision we’re even going to be faced with given that xrays haven’t even been taken yet, but I’ve always believed it’s better to hope for the best but prepare for the worst in advance. I’m not one that deals well with unwelcome surprises. That, and I know my baby and can feel already that something is dreadfully wrong, and not easily fixed. How could I not? I have been with him nearly everyday, all day, of his life for the past four years. And…a mother knows.
My husband has shut down emotionally and I am alone with this. Alone in my grieving over a life that may end, alone with the constant tears that refuse to stop from watching Sully struggle in pain daily, and alone with my depression. Communication exchanged about Sully’s next doctors appointment and what we feel would be best for him, has been no more emotional than talking about taking the car in to have the oil changed. I want…no NEED…him to raise his voice with mine and scream about the injustice of it. I want him to hold me as we sob. I want him to wring his hands in worry as I am doing. I want him to do something, dammit! I fear what will happen if he doesn’t do it now.
My husband loves Sully. This man, who has difficulty connecting emotionally to people, connected with this dog. From day one that dog was his. That dog chose him. It matters little that I had been the one to train Sully, care for him, and have spent nearly every moment of his life with him, my husband is the one he loves. He is the one my husband loves. I accepted long ago that the only thing my husband would ever be capable of giving me would be physical intimacy. He does not squander his love, and is un-trusting of sharing it with most. Even me, his wife, apparently has not paid enough dues or been worthy of being given it yet. My husband does not share his heart with any that could hurt him. His loves only two: His aging father and Sully. Neither it appears will be around much longer. I fear this distance is driving me away and soon my husband may be completely alone. I have little left to give. My knuckles are white and weak from hanging on. This single event may be the one to end it.
I wish for a life less complicated.