Waking Up the Ghost Limb and Putting Sully to SleepPosted: August 31, 2011
I thought I’d poke my head into the forum for a few minutes to update current happenings and apologize again for being absent and not responding to the nice comments and emails left for me. I feel badly that so many of you reached out to me and that I’ve obtained new subscribers and yet have been unable to let you know how much I appreciate all of you sticking by me. I just haven’t had it in me to write. Know that you are all in my thoughts and as soon as I can ‘push’ myself past what is going on with me I will be back. I fully intend on responding to each and every one as soon as I’m able.
Anyone who’s followed my post or had personal conversations with me know that pain is not something I deal with well. Happiness and anger…yes. Pain…not so much. I’ve had a belly-full of it in my lifetime and whenever faced with difficult situations that make me sad or uncomfortable automatically revert to being a clown and joking it away, or getting pissed and finding solace in sarcasm. Sadly, I can do neither right now and feel a bit lost as to how to cope with this. My heart is broken, I’m clinging to the edge of my sanity by my fingernails, and haven’t been able to even use the luxury of my writing as an escape. This whole ordeal is becoming more taxing then even I feared it would be.
The Prednisone the vet prescribed for Sully didn’t take as we hoped. Within days it had an adverse effect on his health and began making him sicker than the cancer already was. My husband and I both have had many sleepless nights being awakened by him every half hour on the hour needing to go outside. Bless his heart he tries to make it every time, but unfortunately doesn’t always manage. During the day my husband gets a reprieve from this madness, but of course I’m not that fortunate as I’m home with him. Round the clock I am letting him in and out, cleaning up disturbing amounts of diarrea and vomit from this illness, and sobbing uncontrollably from emotional and physical weariness. It’s tearing me down and tearing me apart. We have finally accepted that this is something that will not just go away…however much we’ve tried to kid ourselves…and have made the difficult decision to let him go. We have an appointment this Saturday to have him euthanized. We will be bringing him home after and placing him here in the yard that he loved so much. I fear that day, for I know as we leave here that morning it will be the last that I can put my arms around him, nuzzle his mug, ask him for sugar and receive sloppy kisses, and that I will never again be greeted by his face in the picture window as my husband and I pull down the drive. I am scared and asked my husband who will take care of him in the afterlife. He knows no one but us. He assures me there will be those that will be there for him. Yes, I believe dogs go to heaven too.
I’m hoping that once this is over I can resume a somewhat normal life and my writing again. Without it I feel like a person with a ghost-limb. My writing is an appendage of me, and being unable to express myself that way is like losing a limb but still having the sensation it’s still there. I’m currently doing all I can to get back there. The severe headaches I’ve been battling were not due to my TMJ Disorder flairing up as I suspected, but was rather a bad case of Sinusitis I didn’t even realize I had till I started experiencing cold symptoms from congestion caused by drainage. I had to see the local doc who prescribed me antibiotics, painkillers, and nasal spray to clear it up, which I’ve been diligent about taking. Also, he upped the dose of my antidepressants as high as he could go with it, so I’m hoping that these few things will improve my health and mood to get me over this tremendous hump. And prayer. I could use a little love my way right now.
I hope all of you are doing well. I know so many of you personally now that I’m mindful that each of you have your own crosses to bear, and wonder how you’re faring. I’ve especially been concerned about those of you who live on or near the coast where the hurricane hit. I pray all of you are safe and never suffered any personal losses. Remember to pray for those who have. If I don’t get back to you sooner my wish is for all of you to have a wonderful Labor Day weekend, filled with family, friends, and fun. Godspeed. I love you all.