“American Horror (or Soft-Porn) Story”?

Morning Everyone….

Okay, so I have a sneaking suspicion that the Old Man might’ve taken a little peek/see into my blog the other day, cause coincidentally the night after I wrote my little post “Is He Just Not That Into Me?” he came up to bed. Not only came up to bed, but made a dramatic display of affection. I figure it was either that or the little comments I made during the movie the night before that hit home and got him to thinking. Not that I care whether he reads my blog or not–Pissy don’t have nuttin to hide–I just find the coincidence a bit amusing. It took a little persuasion on his part–after all, he has been on the couch nearly every night for the last month and a half, and it’s gotten me good and pissed–but I let him back in. I did tell him last night though before bed that the next time he plays the couch game with me I’m moving all of his things into the spare room and he won’t be returning. Where I come from married folk sleep together. You don’t sleep with me, you ain’t getting no more cookies from the cookie jar. Period!

Did anyone happen to see the pilot of that new series “American Horror Story” that aired on FX last night? If ya did, I’m dying to hear your take on it. I, myself, had been anticipating the premiere since first seeing clips of it weeks ago. I love horror. (Haunted houses, paranormal, etc. not the slasher/bloody shit.) It looked really interesting, and given that it fell right around Halloween–which I thought was genius–I thought it was something fun I’d have to look forward to. Yep, I have no life to speak of. So last night as the Old Man and Hound Dog were spooning on the couch half asleep, I settled into my recliner and began to view the first episode of it. Can anyone say…soft-porn disguised as horror? Ummm…from my viewpoint I don’t think it would be much of a stretch.

Now, I’m not a critic so you’re going to have to bear with this amateur, partial review, but I just want to recap on what I found to be the more interesting (Ahem) parts of the show: Dylan McDermott is naked ALOT! “Here an ass, there an ass, every where an ass, ass…shot! And not a bad ass, I might mention. Dylan McDermott? I never really considered him a hottie before. Who woulda thunk! It’s not that I’m gonna bitch about that kinda thing, but rather was…let’s just say…mildly surprised at how they managed to work all his ‘nakedness’ into the show. He’s sleepwalking in the ‘suit’ he was born in. How very c-l-e-v-e-r! Then as if that wasn’t enough to leave my mouth agape they introduce a maid into the equation, and well…she’s a bit of a ‘naughty’ maid. ((wink..wink))

The Old Man wasn’t the least bit interested in this show when I first told him I was watching it. He’s not a huge fan of horror and would rather watch the hunting channel 24/7 over anything else. I know…yawn, right? However, once he caught a glimpse of some of the weird shit going on his interest was suddenly peaked. Go figure. 

Old Man:  “What’s she doing?” He happened to roll over just at the moment the maid was striking a seductive pose in the chair and the camera moved quickly to her hand and then away.

Me:  “Masturbating, Babe.”

Old Man:  “Now what’s he doing?” I think the next clip was so quick that his eyes couldn’t believe what they were seeing and adjust.

Me:  “The same. He’s pulling on it.” I say, ever-so-casually.

Old Man:  “So what’s this show again?” He asks, flipping over onto his back and adjusting the pillow under his head.

Me:  “I told you, A-mer-i-can Hor-ror Stor-y.” Sometimes it’s necessary to repeat things s-l-o-wl-y to him. “I thought you weren’t interested.” I laugh.

Old Man:  “So what’s going on?”

Me:  I lean in and begin rushing through my words to recap while there’s a commercial break. “Okay, so naked man who’s a shrink, and his bitchy, unhappy wife move to this creepy, old house from the city with their mouthy teenage daughter. Apparently his old lady had a miscarriage, was distraught, stopped sharing her cookies with him, and he started tapping his assistant or some shit. She walked in on them and I think he carted her out of town to try and work on their marriage. Once they get there they find out that two queens had owned the place before them, had renovated it, but the one had killed the other then himself so the place was available. I don’t think anyone still knows that two young boys–who personally I think deserved getting their asses ripped up in the cellar cause I seen potential serial killers in both–died there years before. But that was in the beginning of the show set back like thirty years prior when the little girl with Downs Syndrome from next store first made her appearance, so probably isn’t pertinent to the story yet.” I take a deep breath. “I haven’t lost you yet have I?”

Old Man:  “Who’s the maid?”

Me:  “I’m getting to that!” Another deep breath. I hear him trying to mask a groan. “So once they move in the little girl with Downs Syndrome, who’s all grown up now…well, sorta…comes over and just kinda walks in ever so I-do-as-I-damn-well-please like, then her mom shows up to fetch her–which I can tell right now is a whack-job–and naked man’s bitchy wife’s weird meter starts going off immediately. THEN…comes the maid, who appears to be an old lady wearing a frumpy, black uniform when she introduces herself to the wife, but when naked man comes in he sees her as a young, beautiful maid wearing that tiny, little french-maid uniform you seen.”

Old Man:  “Huh?” He’s looking at me completely puzzled and I knew I was losing him. 

Me:  “The wife hires the maid because she appears to be old and dowdy. Ya know…not a threat? But the husband sees her as young, beautiful, and seductive, is a little confused why his jealous old lady would hire her, finds himself trying to ignore her, but well…she’s a VERY naughty maid, apparently has no problem playing with herself in front of her employer, and he’s turned on by it. Anyway, I haven’t figured out yet whether she’s dead or not, and just coming back to haunt.” The old man returns his eyes to the tv; completed disinterested in the rest.

I intended on filling him in on the rebellious daughter, the warped kid that’s thinking about pulling a Columbine at his school that naked man is counseling, and how the two of them are starting to ‘hook-up’, but the show began. I figured I lost my Old Man just about the time I wrapped up info on the maid, so I let it slide. The nice thing was he watched the rest of the show with me, and I think it’s safe to assume it’s something we can look forward to doing together. Hey, beggars can’t be choosers! I admit I’m not beneath coaxing him with the maid to get attention here! K? Any-hoo, I’m still waiting on the scary part–as I really didn’t see where the ‘horror’ in it was–but I suppose what it lacks in edge-of-your-seat-nailbiting it more than makes up for in Dylan McDermott’s chiseled butt. So yeah…I’d say it deserves five stars.

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19 Comments on ““American Horror (or Soft-Porn) Story”?”

  1. Heheheh…sounds interesting 🙂

  2. wordsfallfrommyeyes says:

    I think it’s nice if your hubby takes a peek… and takes a hint. He still loves you!

    • Nice of you to drop by my litterbox. Everyone is welcome! Ha..ha..
      Oh, I’m not sure if he peeked or not, but the timing seemed kinda coincidental. And I’m sure he probably does love me. It’s not whether he does or not, it’s how he does it. Some men can love a woman just enough to ‘eek’ by with her. I don’t want that kind of love. I know it can be more, and I want more…cause I’m worth it!

  3. The Hook says:

    I hope things continue to look “up’ for you and hubby, young lady!
    Thanks for the review of “American Horror Story”. I was curious since I don’t get the FX network. Nicely done.

    • Yeah, I wondered how much American shit you all get over there. Well, maybe you can rent it out later when it comes available on DVD. They don’t seem to waste much time going from movies/television to that anymore.
      Eh, my husband gets on my nerves. Pain in my ass! I suppose I am his too, so tit for tat, huh? Who knows…maybe we are meant for each other, and this is just the way two people with our particular personalities act.

  4. Oh yeah, I’ll be watching…just not with BF, LMAO!!! The neighbor people are awesomely creepy, and I am waiting for something to happen to that little dog. The creepy neighbor girl said, “He shouldn’t have done that,” or something before she and creepy neighbor mom left (after she got bit, or snapped at).

    • Oooh…I forgot about the creepy little girl’s comment about the dog. You got point. I doubt puppy is going to fare well in the long run. I think this is the kind of show where we’re going to have to pay very close attention to every detail in order to have the whole ‘experience’. I say that because of the way they seem to be jumping around a lot and trying to confuse. It does look really good though, and for once it’s nice to have a little male eye-candy instead of just boobs everywhere. I mean, I have a set of my own, thank you very much. I get tired of looking at everyone else’s.

  5. Pandora Patty says:

    Ummm….does this have remnants of “The Shining” for anyone else here? I can’t say for sure, since I don’t have cable, but from your descriptions, Lulu, it sure sounds like the Stephen King story to me! It’s all about illusions, seeing what you want to see, and it appears. Also somewhat like the “Star Trek” pilot with Captain Pike. When you get sucked in trying not to think it’s too good to be true, THEN the horrors start.

    • Hmm…good point. I’m going to have to start paying more attention.
      I know other than the fact I didn’t find it scary in the least, it does have most of the things I like in a show: Haunted house, creepy characters, a mysterious past, the ability to snag your attention right away and keep you glued to the damn set, and well…now…Dylan McDermott’s ass, obviously! Damn..he is fine! Google image’s of the old, album cover of ‘Yes’, “Going For The One”. It’s pretty damn close to that kind of yummy.
      Well, I’m so glad you stopped by, Pandora Patty! I wish I would’ve thought of it, I could’ve taped the episodes for you. I suppose it won’t be long before you can order it off Netflix though.
      Love ya, girlfriend! 🙂

  6. Dave Farmer says:

    I’m not sure I’d be getting a trouser stork on if I knew I was watching a dead lady getting her rocks off. That said I think I need to see this!

  7. B says:

    Since the same guy brought us “Nip/Tuck” I’m not surprised at the amount of sexual things we’ve seen so far. I imagine it’ll only get crazier. I’m hooked though and will be back for more next week!

  8. Spectra says:

    I hate it when they mix sex with horror. That’s just so “male”. We women tend to want more of the paranormal and mysterious. It has nothing to do with getting yer goddies on (or off!). Maybe men just naturally respnd to fear by poppin’ a woody.

  9. I thought it was alright. I had some problems watching some stuff…a bit too close to home. No, I didn’t have a miscarraige, but I wasn’t into the cookies for a while, so BF apparently got some somewhere else. I decided to forgive him, but we had problems with him demanding that I “get over it” because it wasn’t happening soon enough, so I understand where the mean old lady wife is coming from. Still waiting for the creepy to turn into the horror, but I think I like it…and you are right, nice ass dude, LOL!

    • Yeah, my first husband cheated on me with every trash-can-with-a-pair-of-legs he could get his hands on. I’m sure he thought there was a good excuse for each and every one of them, but the way I look at it is, you either cheat or you don’t. It doesn’t matter what happens, you’re either capable of it and will because it’s your nature, or you won’t. I stayed with mine too for a lot of years–so I get where her attitude and yours is coming from–but I guess I just figured that was the choice I made, I could’ve made another, so I just ‘sucked it up’ until I couldn’t anymore. I don’t think it was so much ‘forgiving’ him for his transgressions that I had a problem with, so much as never being able to trust him and worrying about future ones all the time. But he had many other faults far above and beyond that one, so in the end the choice to get out was made easier. I guess I can understand the problem you have watching it because of that. I know when I watch shows where there’s domestic abuse I come unglued. I thought the show was pretty interesting, even though there didn’t seem to be ‘scary’ nothing as far as I was concerned. Dylan McDermott is eye-candy though, ain’t he? Damn!