Life Can Change in a Nano Second

Life as you know it can change in a nano second. One moment you’ll be chugging along cursing the monotony of your life, completely unaware that in another split second everything you understand and are familiar with will change.

At a little after six this morning I already had a fire going to take off the chill in the living room, and was standing in the kitchen making coffee (Something the husband used to do, but has refused to continue since I stopped serving him breakfast in bed on Sundays). I felt it was a fair trade-off. Coffee takes two minutes, and the breakfast he was getting used to, like two hours. Umm..no. There I stood shoveling grounds into the basket when I heard this high-pitched ((Squeak)) squeal from the living room, and I damn near dropped everything in my hand. And even though it only took a mere moment to realize that it was Bon playing with the little, blue, toy pig we’d bought him, there was that other moment…the one before…when for a split second, just one mind you, I thought Sully had finally got tired of Hound Dog bossing him around and had given him a little nip. Then as if something sharp pierced my side the realization hit me that my boys were no longer with us. Fate, bad luck, whatever the fuck it was, had mocked me again and taken them away like it had so many other people and things in my life that I loved. Life as you know it can change in a nano second.

I chase ghosts. If you don’t think that’s possible read my blog for a while. I can’t let go of the past. I drag my heels in the dirt and fight against change. I chase ghosts of moments I desire to relive; emotions associated with events that have long since passed. I have difficulty accepting loss. I chase the ghosts of people I’ve loved that have left my life due to desertion and death. I’ve been so busy chasing these ghosts that I’ve forgotten how to live in the moment. Worse yet, I’ve been unable to look forward to a future.

I’ve always held firm to the belief when one door closes another opens. That loss occurs to make room for someone or something new that is meant to enter. I believe this; I’ve just never allowed myself to trust in it and welcome it into my own life. I don’t know…maybe I felt that the rules didn’t apply to me. That there was only so much good stuff someone like me was allotted, I’d already had my share, and would tip the scales if I expected more. Low self-esteem, ya think? So I’ve hung on to things and people that are no longer present; not giving just due to those that are, and only allowing them to take up temporary residence in my life like a guest I expect to leave soon and usher out the door if they don’t. The end result is that I now have a lot of empty space in my life, with little promise at this point of ever being able to fill it the way perhaps I once could have. Something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I just wonder…is it ever too late to ‘un-learn’ shitty, self-sabotaging behavior?

Anybody heard of Positive Imaging: Like attracting Like? It’s the theory that everything is made up of energy, and you basically draw back the energy that you put out like a magnet. If you’re negative then you receive back negative things in your life. If you put out positive vibes, then positive things will occur, etc. Call me crazy, but I believe this and have for some time. It would explain all the misfortune in my life, wouldn’t it? I mean, I am after all a negative-Ninny. But how do you conjure up ‘feel-good’ vibes when everything in you and around you ((screams)) that you have a right to feel bad, sorry for yourself, and angry? When you can count more shitty moments than good ones? When the future seems to hold little promise? How do you ‘will’ gratitude for what you’ve got?

That’s my post for today. Something I needed to bitch…er…write about. If any of you have mastered this incredible feat of ‘willing’ gratitude when there appears to be nothing you should be happy about or grateful for, I would sure love to know how you did it. Well, short of taking a Valium and chasing it with a cocktail, because everything looks better for some of us when things are a little out of focus…and I can do that myself.  I truly want to know what secret or magic one has to possess to do such a thing. Or is it just an ability that those who are emotionally healthy in the first place have?

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20 Comments on “Life Can Change in a Nano Second”

  1. Jack Scott says:

    Memories are there to be treasured. They shouldn’t used to bind us to the past. What’s gone is gone. We all need to find something to fill the void with new experiences, new adventures. Come on girl, you can do it!

    • I’m trying. I’m definitely making some positive steps now, and it’s much easier than it used to be. I think the one thing that has kept me from moving on from those I’ve lost is guilt. Guilt at forgetting to long for them or ache over their death. As if I should be ‘responsible’ to carry them with me 24/7. I know…my sickness.

  2. Sheesh, Lou… I go away for a couple weeks and when I get back I discover you’ve been dealt yet another staggering blow. I can’t believe you’re now without Hound Dog, too… I’m SO sorry!! What a lot of heart ache you’ve had to deal with! Everyone seems to have good advice for you, and I can’t think of anything new that will magically make things better. I do know from experience the pain WILL subside with time.

    Last week while I was away I re-read Ann Voskamp’s book, “One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are” (Zondervan 2010). Her ability with words is unique and appealing; her honesty and faith are an inspiration as she struggles to find joy in her ordinary everyday life on the farm. (Right now she’s gone to the Amazon to visit her family’s sponsored children, but her posts are usually on more day-to-day things.) You might enjoy reading it… perhaps find it helpful. As Spectra has suggested, there really is benefit in positive thinking.

    The book description and worth-watching trailer are on its Amazon page: http://amzn.to/h3djMj and there’s also info and links in her sidebar on her blog at http://bit.ly/tXlQ8p or http://www.aholyexperience.com .

    Blessings and prayers go out to you in another difficult time.

    • I found your lost comment. Yay!
      I have been getting some really great advice on how to move forward, and some wonderful insight into books that are motivational. I’m making a list of all those that are suggested and am going to attempt to look into each. Can’t hurt, right? And thank you for the prayers. My little family needs it. We’ve had enough loss to last us a lifetime.

  3. I like all of the advice left on here for you…I might have to go check out a few of these readings for myself. I myself went through a period of being a Negative-Ninny and for the life of me could not figure out how to turn it around. So I researched extensively. I found that it takes 6 weeks (!!) to change a bad behavior or habit. It’s the same with thought processes. I had to remind myself over and over and over again to think positive thoughts. The first couple of weeks were hard. The negative ones would still pop up every now and then, but after a month I found myself being more positive…maybe try to give that a go??

    • Six weeks? I got six weeks to spare! Ha..ha.. At least I hope so. I ain’t done quite yet.
      I’m really determined to try and pull my head completely out of my ass this time. I think with all the support surrounding me it should be easier than it was before when I attempted it. It’s hard for some of us Negative-Ninny’s to go it alone. A nudge and pat on the back can sometimes go a long way.

  4. A friend recently gave ame a book called The Celestine Prophecy. The story can be read as simply that, a story, or you can relate it to your own life. It talks about energy fields, I really enjoyed it, and try to take something from it.
    Don’t push yourself too hard, it takes a lot of energy and effort to force yourself to look forward and feel better, allow yourself time to grieve for your boys, I wouldn;t underestimate what a double-loss will take out of you.
    I love the phrase “I chase ghosts”, it exactly describes what I do.
    xxx

    • Aren’t you tired of chasing ghosts? I know I am. I don’t remember the last time that I was actually ‘really’ able to live in the present. That scares me.
      I’m taking notes right now of books and tips that have been given me, so I’ll have to look into that one too. I’m a thrift-whore, seldom buy anything new, so if Amazon has a good price I’ll pick it up. Thanks!

  5. I have been through periods in my life like what you are describing. Loss after loss after shitty f’n loss. The straw that broke my ass was when my best friend, my love David died. He died suddenly. He said he was dizzy and went to lay down. He never woke up. He was only 35. The first man to ever treat me like a real person and not just some t-n-a. God, I loved him. I had a full-on nervous breakdown after he died. Took Clonopin like they were tic-tacs and started self injuring again. That was five years ago. I don’t know how you get over that stuff. You just somehow do. Those tears in your heart never really go away, though. I don’t have any advice for you, I’m afraid. I guess I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone in the way you are feeling. Also to let you know that the bad times only last so long. How long, I can’t say, but eventually there will be good times again. That’s what I have to tell myself when everything gets dark. I hope your life gets better soon.

    • I can’t imagine losing a man I’m in love…well, if the relationship was good. I haven’t had many of those. That would be a devastating loss. Even with the problems and pains me and my current husband have, if I were to lose him to death I would be lost. I think you would have to be incredibly strong to get over that. I give you credit where credit is due. And I have to admit, I deal with loss a lot better than I used to. I really think that I have my blog and other bloggers to thank for that. Who woulda thunk I wouldn’t have to pay for such good therapy? 🙂

  6. Ask and you will receive. You sent your request out, and people who love you responded with a way forward for you.
    And I’m at your back, pushing.
    Hugs

  7. elderfox says:

    I sure needed this blog and it’s comment re the new paths being taken. I knew I was reading you r blog for a reason!!!! Will continue to do so.

    mE

    • I truly have the best blogger friends in the blogosphere and am glad that you were able to take something away from their wisdom too. They all inspire me to be a better person.
      I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. My replies have been taking forever lately, because it’s been really hard for me to see the keyboard with my head up my ass. Ha..ha.. Am going to stop over and check out your blog. Thanks for stopping by mine!

  8. Spectra says:

    WARNING: Long reply follows.

    Maybe 8 or 9 years ago, I found myself ‘medically retired’ and with too much time on my hands. I had expected to be back on my feet within 2 years, and better than ever…

    I knew this would require a complete shift in my thinking, and as luck would have it, stumbled upon a book at Barnes & Noble for only $6.99 – The Millionaires Path. I bought and read this book like a thirsty horse who’d been led to water many times but did not trust what others were trying to make it drink, but who now found it’s own source and drank non-stop.

    The gems of wisdom rang deeply with truth for me, it made so much wonderful sense, that I copied the most meaningful passages down into a little notebook, that I called my “Power Book”, and covered it in rose printed paper. Inside, I also cut out images that were of roses (it figures in the book, The Order of the Rose) and images of things I wanted to draw to me. It took 15 minutes in the morning to read through. I began every day reading this Power Book, keeping a daily journal where I examined a different positive thought or phrase from the book (or other source) each morning, and re-reading a chapter of the book before bed, following 20 minutes of mediatation (as suggested). My life began to change because my thoughts were changing. I exercised while repeating my favorite phrase of the day, such as “In unexpected ways, your thoughts, nourished regularly, bring about the circumstances neccessary that allow them to become reality”…see, I just wrote that one from memory!

    I made this my daily life course. It was, quite literally, “my job to change my thoughts, and therefore my life”, because nobody else could do that for me. In time, I added a 2nd Power Book with more phrases I wanted to feed my head. Then a 3rd! I knew I had to SATURATE my mind with these beliefs, and 50 times a day repeated while meditating, the old Emile Coue’ phrase, which is the very basis of the placebo effect, “Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better”. You feel silly at first, not really believing words can have such power to change, but I did it anyway. Then one night, 2 weeks into it, lying in bed, it hit me -I DID believe it! And I WAS feeling better and better! This fueled my resolve…

    After several months of this ‘religious’ practice, I decided it was time to TEST THE UNIVERSE. I had wanted a small row boat to use on the creek behind my house for some time. I could not find a used one anywhere and didn’t want to pay $400 for a new one. So I wrote in my journal an EXACT description of the boat I wanted, a little beat up, one that would require some love and paint on my part, and most importantly, there was no more dicking around! I wanted it to be FREE! I DEMANDED of the Universe and God or whatever that it come through for me! If this is how creation works, then get me my f***ing boat already!

    40 days later, as I got into my car, I noticed something oddly square sticking out of the water – I jumped out and ran down the bank to the creeks edge…OMG – it was MY BOAT! MY BOAT! There it was, delivered precisely to my back door, FREE, exactly as I had described it.

    It took another 2 weeks to manage to get it out of there, and 10 days to repair and paint it (I learned right away a neighbors boy had sunk it in the middle of the night, it had a leak, and they didn’t want it anymore…and it was the exact boat I had seen years earlier and had thought of asking them if I could buy it…) My boat was painted white with green trim, and named the $.$. Millionaire.

    The first Maiden Voyage of the $.$. Millionaire was a success! Not just because she floated, but mostly because it was proof positive to me that all of this positive thinking, visualization, and prayer and meditation stuff does work.

    What followed was a summer of bliss. I could not stop calling positive circumstances to myself. I still had to struggle with my natural negative thoughts daily, especially in the morning, but I had a routine and a method to combat not the world, not other people who affected me negatively, but to fight against the garbage dump that was my own mind and moods. It was my responsibility to go after this, as I said, because I realized there was not a living person in the world who could fix that for me. Damage was done by others, yes, But I had to be the one to fix me.

    During this time, all I had to do was visualize what I wanted, and it came to me. I wanted to sell a painting I was working on down by the river, on the spot…and a woman walked up to me just as I was finishing up that day, and bought it! I needed wooden workhorses to mount the boat on for repairs…the next night, they were on the curb by my yard, someone was throwing them out. I was instructed to also ask for money, so I did. $1200, to be exact…the next week my older brother, who was moving, gave me that amounts worth of expensive marine aquarium equipment… which I could then to sell. I asked for $250 when I really needed it, and for some bizarre reason, I got the check in the mail a few days later! My phone company returned my deposit on a new cell phone -one year early!

    All I had to do was ask, believe, recieve. And in order for this to work, I had to daily recondition my mind, change my fundamental belief system:
    Some of those phrases and affirmations from the book and other sources, (before the book The Secret ever came out, but along a similar vein) are (with words in CAPS, as I wrote them in my power books):

    “When you cut off all your EXITS and put your back to the wall, you mobilize all your INNER powers”

    “Tranquility is the greatest manifestation of Power”
    “Your Thoughts are ALIVE!”
    “Life gives you what you sincerely WANT”
    “We think in secret and it comes to pass…our world is but our looking glass” – James Allen, ‘As a Man Thinketh’
    “The most common mistake we make is looking outside of us for what we should find on the inside”
    “We create our own happiness or misery with every word we think or say”
    “All the events in your life are a mirror image of your thoughts. Our thoughts materialize”
    “You must literally FLOOD your subconcious with your new formula”
    “Success. It’s a Mind Game”
    “Beliefs affect Perception”
    “If a plan is Intuitively right for you, it EXCITES you. It FEELS good.”
    “Learning to trust your intuition is an ARTFORM. Your intuition is always 100% correct. It just takes time to learn to HEAR it correctly”
    “Denying your personal Inclinations and Ambitions normally begins very early in life. To be happy and fufilled, we have to be COURAGEOUS enough to be OURSELVES, to DISCOVER what we want, and to go after it. We have to stop DENYING ourselves.”
    “POWER is the ability to TAKE ACTION”
    “Become the BEST at what you do”
    “As we give ourselves to our GIFT – completely- our gift gives back to us -ABUNDANTLY”
    “We have to be fully OURSELVES and not be afraid to assert our TRUE personalities”
    “Often, extremely PRECISE desires are fufilled almost immediately”
    “Inherent in every Intention and Desire is the seed and mechanics for its Fufillment”
    “Be Still, and know that I am God.”
    “We are born with two FEARS: 1. Falling. 2. Loud noises. All other fears are Aquired”
    “Contemplate the HEART of the Rose. When your HEART becomes like the rose, your LIFE will be transformed”

    Well, there you have it. I got all excited writing down and re-reading some of these old familiar passages again. I later read and used the Secret to remind me of these…to refresh my START button. And it’s time again…

    Also, I began this journey after my dog of 15 years, and constant loving companion, passed on. It gutted me with depression and sadness, more than I thought possible. Enough time had passed and I was desperate to make things better (the dogs passing was only the tip of the iceberg, it was previous hurts that lingered)

    Some nerve of me answering your question with a novel, eh?

    Wishing you the best.

    • I thought I’d poke my nose back in for a moment just to see what words of wisdom may have been left for me. I was entranced by your reply and read every word intently. You never cease to amaze me at how damn smart you are. I fear sometimes that others can’t see that for the cartoonish humor you apply to your blog, and that’s sad indeed; You truly deserve the dreaded, abhorred, Versatile Blogger Award.
      Okay, so you’ve motivated me. I am going to try and apply this technique to my own life, put myself together my own little book, and steal a bunch of the shit you left on this page as a starting point–which by the way was excellent. Hell, I might even purchase that book “The Secret”. I know my niece raved about it when she read it.
      Thanks for coming to my rescue and throwing me a life preserver, buddy. I needed it. Now we’ll see if my hands are nimble enough to hang on. Love ya, girl!

      • Spectra says:

        You can also check Amazon for the other books, A Millionaires Path and the Instant Millionaire, both by Mark Fisher, from whence I draw these quotes. They helped me enormously, but I was ready to grab onto something and paddle, stroke, climb, huff, struggle, whatever it took to pull me out of my morose condition. It so worked. But it is an ongoing process and struggles are always coming up. Yes, I do a ‘cartoonish’ blog, and i do it to help me keep my mind off the dark, the rotten. It is not the whole of me, but it helps lighten my darkness. It pulls my focus to a place of fun. Much like in highschool = I was happy because I had fun.

        I am so glad you did manage to check back and respond. I will say this; it is more than fun to get this ball rolling. Life becomes lighter. The Universe seems to talk to you, to play the chords you want to hear, all can be harmonious. But we have to make it happen…for ourselves. And writing to you, made me more aware I need to get back on it…reposted my comment to an old, almost-dead blog…which brought it back to light. So, that is where I will be practicing what I “preach” from now on…

        • I picked up “The Secret” and the follow-up “Gratitude Book”. Am going to look into “A Millionaires Path” next. Thanks for the solid advice. Just hearing it and feeling that all things may be possible has improved my mood. You’re a keeper!

  9. I have enjoyed reading Paulo Coehlo for a number of years. He does not have too many books, but all of them are about (and more) what you have written this post about. His latest book is Aleph.

    • I googled his name, found his website, and am going to look into getting the books “The Pilgrimage” and “The Alchemist”. He sounds like a fascinating person, and his books something I’ll enjoy. Thanks for the heads-up!