Life as you know it can change in a nano second. One moment you’ll be chugging along cursing the monotony of your life, completely unaware that in another split second everything you understand and are familiar with will change.
At a little after six this morning I already had a fire going to take off the chill in the living room, and was standing in the kitchen making coffee (Something the husband used to do, but has refused to continue since I stopped serving him breakfast in bed on Sundays). I felt it was a fair trade-off. Coffee takes two minutes, and the breakfast he was getting used to, like two hours. Umm..no. There I stood shoveling grounds into the basket when I heard this high-pitched ((Squeak)) squeal from the living room, and I damn near dropped everything in my hand. And even though it only took a mere moment to realize that it was Bon playing with the little, blue, toy pig we’d bought him, there was that other moment…the one before…when for a split second, just one mind you, I thought Sully had finally got tired of Hound Dog bossing him around and had given him a little nip. Then as if something sharp pierced my side the realization hit me that my boys were no longer with us. Fate, bad luck, whatever the fuck it was, had mocked me again and taken them away like it had so many other people and things in my life that I loved. Life as you know it can change in a nano second.
I chase ghosts. If you don’t think that’s possible read my blog for a while. I can’t let go of the past. I drag my heels in the dirt and fight against change. I chase ghosts of moments I desire to relive; emotions associated with events that have long since passed. I have difficulty accepting loss. I chase the ghosts of people I’ve loved that have left my life due to desertion and death. I’ve been so busy chasing these ghosts that I’ve forgotten how to live in the moment. Worse yet, I’ve been unable to look forward to a future.
I’ve always held firm to the belief when one door closes another opens. That loss occurs to make room for someone or something new that is meant to enter. I believe this; I’ve just never allowed myself to trust in it and welcome it into my own life. I don’t know…maybe I felt that the rules didn’t apply to me. That there was only so much good stuff someone like me was allotted, I’d already had my share, and would tip the scales if I expected more. Low self-esteem, ya think? So I’ve hung on to things and people that are no longer present; not giving just due to those that are, and only allowing them to take up temporary residence in my life like a guest I expect to leave soon and usher out the door if they don’t. The end result is that I now have a lot of empty space in my life, with little promise at this point of ever being able to fill it the way perhaps I once could have. Something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I just wonder…is it ever too late to ‘un-learn’ shitty, self-sabotaging behavior?
Anybody heard of Positive Imaging: Like attracting Like? It’s the theory that everything is made up of energy, and you basically draw back the energy that you put out like a magnet. If you’re negative then you receive back negative things in your life. If you put out positive vibes, then positive things will occur, etc. Call me crazy, but I believe this and have for some time. It would explain all the misfortune in my life, wouldn’t it? I mean, I am after all a negative-Ninny. But how do you conjure up ‘feel-good’ vibes when everything in you and around you ((screams)) that you have a right to feel bad, sorry for yourself, and angry? When you can count more shitty moments than good ones? When the future seems to hold little promise? How do you ‘will’ gratitude for what you’ve got?
That’s my post for today. Something I needed to bitch…er…write about. If any of you have mastered this incredible feat of ‘willing’ gratitude when there appears to be nothing you should be happy about or grateful for, I would sure love to know how you did it. Well, short of taking a Valium and chasing it with a cocktail, because everything looks better for some of us when things are a little out of focus…and I can do that myself. I truly want to know what secret or magic one has to possess to do such a thing. Or is it just an ability that those who are emotionally healthy in the first place have?