Cinderella, I’m Not!

Okay, so the latest word, is that I’ve had to deal with some disappointment the last few days–big disappointment!–but I haven’t let it derail me. Yeah, I must be doing better because I’m not sobbing, the Old Man still has his balls intact, and I’m not drinking to ease the pain. My husband, the controlling man that he is, made a great error in judgment the other day. He doubted me and my convictions. You see, I’m a woman that has an extremely high tolerance. I can put up with a lot (when you’re married to a controlling man who likes to call all the shots you have to), am willing to give up a lot to keep peace, but there are a couple things in my world that are completely off limits: My friends and my children. A man is never going to tell me who I can be friends with, and is never, NEVER, going to make me choose between them or my children. They will lose. Up till now I thought I’d been clear enough about this and things have been going well. Up till now.

My oldest son, Jud, has his parole hearing next month. The plan has been in place for months that if he gets paroled and it’s in agreement with the courts, he’s coming here to stay with us. This has been something that has been talked about to death. It’s a no-brainer. Where I am my children always have a home when/if they need it. The stipulation to his coming here, of course, is that there is no alcohol or firearms on the property. We’ve known this for some time. I felt it wasn’t that big of a problem because my husband won’t be using his guns till he hunts next winter anyway, and can keep them all safely at his father’s. After speaking with my son’s correctional counselor the other day, I told my husband that I felt it was time to remove them. I was unsure how soon they would want to come to inspect the house and didn’t want the worry anymore. An argument ensued. It was nothing more in my eyes than another one of his I-call-the-shots-and-no-one-is-going-to-tell-me-when-I-have-to-do-anything. It ended with his telling me that my son is not welcome here because it’s creating a big argument.

I could’ve begged for what I wanted and gotten it. I know that. I know that because I’ve spent years doing it. He makes a decision or takes something away, I cry and pout, he gives a bit back, and then I’m made to feel grateful while he gets the opportunity to play the good guy for doing the right thing. I guess I’m beyond that. Maybe I’m stronger now. Definitely not medicated or sick anymore. I didn’t beg. I refused to beg. Instead I sat down and wrote my child a letter telling him that he would have to go to a halfway house. I had to hurt my child for no reason, which I now find to be completely unforgivable. I then removed all of my husband’s clothing and personal items from our bedroom into the spare, and made it clear that I was done. The first time, in all the years we’ve been together, that I’ve done that. 

My husband is an idiot. Controlling men usually are. Because they’ve been able to dish up the bullshit and we’ve continued taking it, they naively assume that it will continue forever. Cause what…we like being someone’s damn dartboard? I think he now realizes the seriousness in it though, because he’s finding it difficult to buy or bargain with me. I made it clear today that I didn’t want the early anniversary gift he bought me, didn’t want to go out to dinner with him this evening, that what I did want he took away from me, so I now want nothing at all. Thus began the game of fancy side-stepping the facts, where he began to twist things around to make it look like he’d just been, you know…misunderstood. “It’s not that I didn’t want him to come here. It’s just that you told me I had to get my guns out of here, and I didn’t see why it had to be done so soon.” All I heard the whole time he prattled on was “It’s all about me. It’s all about getting my way. It’s all about my calling the shots and saying, where, when, who, how, etc…” Ladies, that’s how you know when you’ve taken your power back. It’s when the controlling man becomes the insecure coward that he is.

I think I’ve figured out what the problem is. Books. I read too damn much. It started with a fat volume of fairy tales when I was small, which led to anything and everything I could get my hands on that was written about relationships after. I bought into the whole ugly duckling becoming a swan and Cinderella bullshit. I was positive that Prince Charming did exist, and that someday when I was ready for him he would find me, be able to look past my common background, tomboy exterior and bad attitude, and see me for the Cinderella I knew I had hiding just below the surface. I spent years in my teens reinventing myself, grooming myself to look more pleasing to the eye, and waiting for him to come and rescue me. I thought for sure I would be able to spot him. He would be kind, thoughtful, generous, and his beauty would take my breath away. He came. Or so I thought he had…many times. 

I’ve spent years purchasing glass slippers in the hope that one of the many pairs I’ve owned and dropped would be the lucky one. And many have retrieved them and promised their undying love. Not a one though bothered to prop me up, put it back on my foot, and walk away with me into the sunset. Some have bargained with me in giving back the shoe. A few have tried to steal it….and the other one too. A couple have tried to wear it themselves. One beat me over the head with the damn thing. In short, all I’ve gotten from hobbling around on one damn foot my whole life waiting for him was a bad fucking back! Glass slippers have not been a lucky commodity for me. 

Yeah, Prince Charming doesn’t exist, and Cinderella, I’m not! I’ve come to the conclusion that the best I could hope for is someone mediocre in comparison, and frankly, I don’t think that’s acceptable anymore. I fear that for me happiness may never be found in another’s arms. With that thought though, I have to remind myself that I still have a pair of my own to wrap around me. Those, and my children’s.

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11 Comments on “Cinderella, I’m Not!”

  1. Tell him Mama Lou!
    I am so glad you stood up for yourself. I know it hurt yourself, and you was in so much pain. Words can cut like a knife. I know that from experience myself.
    As I was reading through comments I see that yall have came to terms and we all go through bad days in a marriage, it can’t be perfect forever. Usually, too, the husbands don’t realize “how” controlling they are being untill you open the door and hit them in the face with it.
    I am finally coming around more on my blog, been having a lot of real life things going on. I will try and update on your newest posts asap.
    Love ya Mama Lou!

  2. Renee Mason says:

    That one hit way too close to home; did I write that one in my sleep? When the police got me to the domestic violence safehouse in February, I felt like a fraud, because C had never laid a hand on me, ever. In therapy I learned, much to my surprise, that domestic violence often involves no physicality whatsoever. Mine exhibited 9 out of 11 signs of an abuser and they were all mental and emotional, including trying to cut my son out of my life, as well as my friends, and control me financially. While the past ten weeks have been a judicial and financial carnival ride I wouldn’t wish on anyone, I at least have tranquility in my home and no longer quake in fear about what the day might hold.

    You must be there for your son; nothing else matters more than that. Remember Lou, bullies can, and often are, vanquished. Not just in fairy tales either. The bright white protective light I surround myself with every day is winging its way toward you as I type this. Godspeed.

    • Thank you, Renee. Things are working out. That’s not to say all my troubles in my marriage are behind me, but at least we’ve resolved the issue about my son coming to stay with us. I think the Old Man realizes now that it’s not a good idea to involve my kids in his ‘games’. Certain things are completely off limits and non-negotiable, and they are one of them.
      I was physically abused for years by my former husband, and I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that emotional abuse is far worse. Of course, I suffered both at his hands, but it was far more obvious, and a lot less confusing than this one. In that marriage I knew he was just a mean, damn man who was taking all his ill out on me. I almost ‘understood’ why he was being a dick. This marriage is far different. My husband is not an evil man, he’s far from mean, and is in fact, most often, very loving. He is just very controlling. I know it’s because he loves me and is insecure, although he would deny that with his dying breath. I know that shouldn’t make it any more acceptable, but it does make it more difficult to hate him knowing why he does it. ((sigh)) Complicated relationships. They suck!
      I’m glad you were able to move on and get away safely. Huge prayers I’m sending to you too. And never think that you’re a fraud when you’re following your gut on something. We’re given that inner voice for a reason. Sounds like yours was making a lot of sense.

  3. Spectra says:

    Sounds like maybe the power you regained with your renewed drivers license is truly putting you behind the wheel of your life again.

    VROOOOOM!

    • I’m doing really good. Of course, I probably would’ve been better had it not been for this temporary, emotional setback. Not a biggie, though. I just dealt with it as it was dished out. The important thing is that I dealt with it and not let it get me down. Big progress!

  4. daisyfae says:

    i was fortunate enough to have eliminated the ‘rescue fantasy’ from my wish list decades ago. it made my life easier. i learned i am capable of making my own damn dreams come true… and much to my amazement, have found some lovely companions to keep me company along the way.

    i hope you find your way. that you can negotiate something reasonable for the best interests of you and your son.

    • I thought I was past the ‘rescue fantasy’ too. I had two, failed marriages under my belt when I met my current husband, was independent, and having fun. I honestly think if it hadn’t been for my father passing away a month after we met, and it throwing me into a very confusing time filled with alcohol, I probably would’ve made better decisions. It’s almost like I ‘gave’ away my freedom and choice. Grief can make a person do really stupid things.
      Oh…umm…I’ve had many ‘lovely’ companions myself. I think in some circles they call that a ‘booty call’. Ha..ha..

  5. Elephant's Child says:

    Not only is he an arsewipe he is a stupid one. If, thousands of miles away I can know that your children’s well being is non negotiable how could it have slipped his mind?
    Controlling as you say. A sneaky evil form of domestic violence. One which frequently flies under the radar.
    I am so proud of you.
    Hugs from afar.

    • Ah, men suck, Sue. I’m learning I can’t change that, just roll with it. That’s okay. I have a few tricks up my sleeve too. I always have. He can take many things, but I still got my sense of humor. It seems to be doing alright to get me through the rough times. 😉

  6. And no matter what..you have your friends. My arms are around you from afar sugar xoxoxox