No, Pissy Didn’t Get lost!

Yesterday was the day. The first day of many, I suspect, I will spend alone. I opened my eyes and they were met with a grainy picture of the country landscape through my window from the fog caused by Sunday nights thunderstorm. My first thought was that I hoped it wasn’t a foretelling of the days, weeks, or months to come. I’d hoped the day, this first day, would greet me better. First impressions, after all, are terribly important. At least my coffee was made and the dogs were cooperative when I went to let them out. I poured that first cup, looked around, and heard a sigh escape my lips. I’d gotten what I wanted. Now what?

It’s been over a month since I last posted. Life had continued moving forward as it always does, but I seemed to be in no shape to deal with it while the days passed. Rather, I contemplated each and every moment that took shape like a spectator watching a game unfold, waiting for the outcome. Detachment seemed far easier than holding my breath for weeks, and is something I’ve gotten very good at. Other than a handful of brief indulgences to remind myself that I was still alive and capable of emotion, I mastered the ability to shut-down and persevere through this most recent installment of madness. I was successful enough that today I find myself not under the spell of depression, but feeling quite hopeful and strong . The past two months have brought both the bitter and sweet into my life.

After four years of struggling to meet the obligations required to obtain my driver’s license again from a past DUI, I was finally successful in doing so the second week of April. Of course, a driver’s license is only useful if you have a vehicle, so my next step was making arrangements with the state on my hefty fines so that they would release the suspension they had on my car’s registration. I filled out the paperwork and mailed it, hoping that I would receive word quickly, given that I knew my son, Jud’s, parole was coming up, and if he were released here I would have to be the one to transport him back and forth to his parole appointments and job search. It didn’t take as long as I thought to hear back from them, and was thrilled when an agreeable payment arrangement had been made. All I had left to do was get insurance on my car, and take this insurance information in with my first payment to the county attorney’s office to get the suspension lifted. ALL I had to do.

Nothing is ever simple for me. I learned this a long time ago. Anytime the words simple or easy are used by someone else to describe something that I’m trying to obtain, I literally cringe. It seems like I’ve had to work at getting anything I ever wanted, no matter how insignificant the prize. This time was no different. I did everything right, everything I was supposed to do, only to find that in the end my efforts had been useless and I was totally at the mercy of another. This person would be my husband. Little FYI: In the state of Iowa if one spouse fucks up, doesn’t pay a fine, fails to pay taxes, etc…the other is held accountable as well. Needless to say it took a month of my bitching relentlessly to get him motivated to take care of the shit he overlooked that had now spilled over into my life, to get said suspension lifted. I am finally proud to say though, that after four years and two months of being a prisoner in my country home, and completely at the mercy of others to get out of the house, Pissy has her freedom. Will I ever drink and drive again? Not even if a naked Antonio Banderas was offered up as my personal, sex slave. Well, maybe if he were willing to drive me around…

My boy was paroled May 15th. I was told then all that was left to do was wait for the parole officer to come inspect the house and give me a date when I could pick him up. Two days after my husband found out that he was laid off from his job. Thus began three weeks of dual worrying about when the parole officer was going to show up, and also how we were going to meet the bills when they came due. Having my husband constantly underfoot and my not wanting to stray far from the house or away from the phone for long, just added fuel to the fire. I began to catch myself pacing, crying out of the blue for no reason, and staring at walls for long durations of time. I finally took it upon myself to go into town to the parole office and find out what the hold-up was. I was informed last week that my son had been denied placement here because we live too far out. This came about the same time my husband was offered a job working out of town.

I sit here now, alone, and have had time to discover that all things are working according to God’s will, and are in my best interest. If I hadn’t thought that there would be a possibility that my son might be coming home with me, perhaps I wouldn’t have worked so hard to get my license back and registration on my car renewed. If my husband hadn’t also thought it might be a possibility, I don’t think that he would’ve made the effort to clear up the things that he needed to take care of so I could also be mobile again. The fact that my son was denied placement here and my husband was offered a job opportunity with excellent pay working out of town, was just a means to an end to give me some much needed peace, I now believe. I have spent my life taking care of others. I raised children without support. I came to the rescue of every friend in need. I have cooked and cleaned for, catering to, damn near every man I’ve been with. I have paid my dues, always wondering when it was my time. I hadn’t thought God was listening to my prayers. I guess I didn’t give Him enough credit.

My son is taking the news of not being able to come home better than I thought he would. He knows that although he is technically released on paper, that he’ll now have to remain incarcerated for an undetermined amount of time till a bed in the halfway house they want to send him to become available. I’m proud of him for continuing to focus on the plans that he’s made for his life once he’s released, instead of on the anger of them denying him the ability to come home.

I, too, am starting to think about all the dreams I once had for my future that I’d nearly forgotten about. My husband will be working four days a week out of town, which means that will be four days that I don’t have to pick up after another, prepare meals if I don’t want to, and plan my time around. Four days to focus on me. I’m only on day two so the answer hasn’t presented itself yet. Right now I’m just taking the time to relax, find my center, and figure it all out.

To those of you that have left comments or sent me emails, I’m sorry that I haven’t answered. I plan on doing some updating to my blog soon and hopefully will get everything taken care of then.

In the meantime I thought perhaps you’d like to see some current pics of the ‘kids’ I just took. They are both about 9 months old now. What the hell happened to my little puppies?

Bon Scott, we affectionately refer to as ‘Bon-Bon’.
Bronaugh Aeryn, we affectionately refer to now as ‘Lil Girl’.
They are always together. I see puppies in the future! Do dogs mate for life? Hmmm…
Yes, they do everything together…
…including getting DIRTY!
“Are you gonna let us in, or what?”

Oh, and in case you missed it…check out how purty the yard in front of the door is now. Grass will NEVER grow on it again, I suspect. ((sigh)) But they are cute, huh? 🙂

12 thoughts on “No, Pissy Didn’t Get lost!

  1. Oh Momma Lou!
    Having time to yourself is well deserved. You deserve it, and maybe this time to yourself you can fit the pieces of the puzzles together, and figure yourself out and maybe make new dreams for yourself.
    It seems the kids are always happy, and I bet they make you smile 🙂 They are so big now… wow time flies even with 4 legged babies.
    love you and stop by my blog anytime. We recently learned Jade is allergic to Walnuts, so we are on the No Nut At All Diet :/

    1. No nut is better than a bad nut…or some shit like that. 🙂
      Oh, the kids are huge now and dealing me a fit, but at least I feel well-protected with them underfoot. I am loving this life of leisure too. Now if I can just use all this time to figure out what I want to be when I grow up…..

      1. haha! I got my car back to and have not been at the house much! Everyday I do something to get me out of here.. 8 yrs behind the walls and I feel like I need to figure out what I wanna be when I grow up too LOL We can go on a mission together 😛
        Miss you!

  2. Oh, my! You know, when I occasionally shake a fist at nobody in particular and mutter as I sometimes do, “Why can’t anything ever be easy?!” I’m going to think of you and feel guilty for complaining. Your life certainly is complicated, and definitely hasn’t been easy. I’m sorry the arrangements haven’t worked out to have your son with you. At least there is a kind of bright side in that now, when a place is finally found for him, you’ll have the ability to travel in to see him when you choose.

    Amid all the changes, as you face the direction your days are now taking, I really hope you take pleasure and satisfaction from your activities of choice. You’re still in my prayers.

    Those four-legged babies of yours have sure grown, and I imagine are good company during the times your hubby is away at work. I don’t know what I’d do without our Lab. He’s six years old now, and has *slowly* begun to like cuddling again, so maybe there’s hope for yours. Labs have so much energy when they’re young and it seems to take them an extra long time to grow up. Like yours, ours is no longer lap sized, but he’s very sweet when he tucks himself up against my legs while I’m sitting somewhere, and lays his head on my feet.

    1. I’m really enjoying all the down-time I now have, but can’t seem to put a game-plan into action. There are sooo many things I want to do with my time now, but can’t seem to get off my butt. I guess this is just going to take some getting used to before I can motivate myself. I admit it’s lovely that for the first time in a long while, I have few worries to fret over.
      I wouldn’t mind the ‘lap’ time with the dogs so much–even at the size they now are–if they were a bit less rambunctious. They don’t know how to love without hurting me, because they are used to wrestling around with each other. I’m waiting for them to phase past this puppy stage so that I can get closer to them. Of course there are always the ‘new puppies’ in the future to look forward to. Bon-Bon hasn’t quite figured out that Lil Girl is his mate and not his buddy quite yet, but when he does I have no doubt that we’ll have some little ones to love till they get new homes. Three are already spoken for by family if/when they arrive. Lab puppies are just so cute!

  3. Good that you’re back – what a journey! i’ve found living alone to be pretty good for me… well, not alone when i’ve got my pup and kitty all over my bed! Take care, and work on taking care of YOU…

    1. Well, this is only the third day, but I’m loving it. Although, I have to admit–and this tastes like salt in my mouth for admitting it–that I do miss my husband being here at night. And my dogs roam the woods all day, drag home shit like deer legs (I kid you not), so they are NO LONGER welcome on my bed. They sleep on their own on the floor. Ha..Ha..

  4. I am so pleased to see you back here again. You rock – and your time will assuredly come. Probably when you least expect it. The monsters are excessively cute, but I have no doubt they need to be. If children and small animals were not cute fewer of them would survive (or am I being way too cynical).
    Enjoy your down time while you can. Hugs from afar.

    1. Oh, they’re cute, and I will say that I feel a lot safer being alone with the both of them here (they alert me to everything and anything going on outside), but I miss being able to cuddle, and this is something they are just not emotionally equipped for. They wrestle with each other too much, and have from day one, so they are too rough with Mama.
      Funny thing is, I made this mental checklist of things I wanted to do now that I’m alone, and I’m not doing any of them yet. I think what I said about ‘finding my center’ was correct. I’ve just been emotionally exhausted for so long that now I’m allowing myself a bit of peace before attempting motivation. It’ll come. I’m determined to start exercising at some point! 🙂

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