I am the Playwright of my Own Tragic Comedy

I am surrounded by words. Books overflow on my shelves, and take up residence in random places like side-tables and on nightstands. Magazines lay neatly stacked on the coffee table. My lap top is filled with words from the Huffington Post, the local paper, online entertainment magazines, to the posts I write and read. Words are everywhere; oozing out of every crack and crevice in my life. Because of this there’s seldom anything I read anymore that has a profound effect on me. I have been inundated with words and their meanings. They’ve begun to somersault one into the other and have lost their magic…until the other day.

I’d forgotten the truth behind the theory that less is more. As one who reads and write myself, I have become callous to the power that can be created through mere words. I’ve committed the terrible faux pas of adding explanation where none is needed. I’ve stopped trusting readers to digest and interpret. I’ve stopped allowing the words to speak for themselves.

Never has this error been more apparent as when I heard a line from a movie this past weekend. I happened to be channel surfing, caught just a few, brief seconds of a movie preview, and the impact was jaw-dropping. I have no doubt that part of it was due to the content, but it was the most perfect usage of words—not too little, not too much—that had the greatest impact on me. The movie was “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”, the writer is Stephen Chbosky, and the quote… “We accept the love we think we deserve”.

Now I’m the first to admit that I have nearly a whole shelf on my back wall that is dedicated to self-help books. A buffet…smorgasbord…if you will, of books to assist in self-improvement that are tattered along the edges, corners creased, entries highlighted from years of use, with my personal notes scribbled on the pages. MANY books filled with the same kind of information, but it was this line that made me sit up and take notice.

I’ve had this occur before, this…moment of clarity. When I heard the words “You become who your friends are” in my youth, and “Love does not mean being in pain” while attending my first session with an abuse counselor years later. Each time I had that same kind of cathartic moment. I found the simplicity of the words roll around in my mind like a pinball in a machine, till they started ping, ping, pinging with recognition. These words—far from eloquent—didn’t need a drum roll to get my attention, or an explanation after to hold it. They were, simply put, well…perfect. In both of those instances they made me think; feel, than question, nearly everything about myself. So too, did these recent words I ingested.

Today I seemed acutely keyed-in to these words and their meaning, as I struggle with humiliation at having to admit I was once again duped into believing something that wasn’t true that someone I love told me, and will now face the shame of “I told you so” by everyone else. I’ve always tried to rise above these mistakes by thinking that being in love makes foolishness excusable. And so it seems to be, as my life is nothing more than a parody, and the joke, unfortunately, is always on me. But is it truly nothing more than how I view myself? Am I willing to be continually roasted by others, not because of my love for him, but by my lack of love for myself?

Pandora Patty summed it up beautifully yesterday when she made the statement, “He doesn’t value you”. So often I get lost in my own translation and find myself using words like ‘lack of respect’ or ‘a complete lack of disregard for my feelings’ when trying to describe my relationship, but was yet again reminded of the simplicity of words when I heard her use ‘value’ to sum up my current situation perfectly.  This morning I find myself using this information I’ve been given and doing the math.

We accept the love we think we deserve

+

He doesn’t value me

                                                                  

=     I’m not worthy to be loved


If I am the author of my life, does this mean I’ve been the playwright of my own tragic comedy?

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11 Comments on “I am the Playwright of my Own Tragic Comedy”

  1. You are amazing. Dont forget it. Plus, ive seen your pic, you are a knock out (legit) dont settle. Life is an adventure. move on. It really is that easy.

    • Thank you for the compliment, hon. Most often though I don’t feel like much of a ‘knock out’ anymore. Just old, tired, and used up. ((Sigh)) Draining relationships will do that to you.
      If you know the secret to just moving on, please share it with me. It doesn’t feel that easy to me. Then again, nothing does anymore.
      Why is peace and happiness so hard for some of us to attain, when it’s all we desire?

  2. neversaydi says:

    i love your insights. You amaze me.

  3. beccajean73 says:

    You know I love reading your posts! There are people out there we just connect to and you my friend are one of those people. I’m passing along a little award that was given to me. It’s called the Versatile Blogger award. Go check it out here:
    http://themadnessofmommyhood.wordpress.com/2012/08/14/who-me-no-way-the-versatile-blogger-award/

  4. “No relationship is a waste of time. The wrong ones teach you the lessons that prepare you for the right ones.” “If someone truly loves you, they won’t make you feel like you need to constantly fight for their attention.”

    But I agree. I often find myself in the same boat. Not letting the words speak for themselves. I hope you are doing well. I came by to catch up but you haven’t wrote in awhile. Thinking about you Mama Lou. Love you

    • Renee Moore says:

      I agree with her, no relationship is a waste of time, simply a lesson plan. This was a profound and moving piece, Lou. Get out if you need to. If I can do it, YOU can do it. I’ve gone from quite well-off to working a minimum wage job, in the process of losing my house, which was fully paid for, and having the SOB steal a large inheritance. Was it worth it? Hell yes!! No possession on earth is worth being told you are a fat, worthless piece of crap, and your kid is the Satan of the universe. Pack it up and run like a gazelle to an attorney, or a women’s shelter, if it comes to that.

      When we stop whispering lies in our own ears, the shield drops from our eyes and we can see the truth clearly. I’m here for you in whatever way I can offer support, just as you’ve lifted me up since I left the domestic violence shelter in February. There IS life after hell. Go get em Tiger!

  5. Gravitas says:

    That book, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, is a really good read. I recently found my copy in the bottom of a box and re-read it. In fact, here it is, sitting on my desk right now. How interesting that they’re making a movie of it. I must look into this…

    Here’s something else from Mr. Chbosky and that book:
    “…I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.”

  6. Darling…we are all just learning as we go. Take it easy on yourself. You are fabulous the way you are. Right. This. Second. Don’t forget that my friend xoxoxo love and hugs to you Lou.

  7. Jack Scott says:

    Simple words, simple message, profound meaning…

  8. daisyfae says:

    nothing like a ‘drive by word clubbing’ to snap you to attention… hope the clarity helps you sort things out a bit. getting to know yourself, what you need, what you want, and who you are will hopefully help sort it as well…