“Yeah, It’s The End Of The World As We Know It…….”

Hello from Cinderella’s Winter Palace. Okay, so that’s a bit of a stretch, I know, but it sounded much better than saying “Howdy from my hovel buried in the frozen-fucking-tundra”. Yep, the Midwest got hit last night and the abode got buried. It’s purdy though. Even the broken down barn looks magical right now.

And at least I got the Cinderella part right. Been elbow-deep in scooping out ash from the fireplace and carrying armloads of wood. Oh, where’s Prince Charming when I need assistance? Snowed in a motel in Des Moines. It’s just as well. I haven’t been very good company as of late.

Okay, so anyway, I’ve been getting a rash of shit lately because I haven’t blogged in like three months or something, so I decided it was time I lay down some lines and soothe the natives from beating on their deafening drums. The truth is that I just haven’t had anything worth saying for quite some time now. Okay, that’s not necessarily true, but my mother always said “If you don’t have anything nice to say, than don’t say anything at all”, and I’ve been clinging to the hope that by refraining from sharing how pissed off I am about absolutely EVERYTHING it will somehow make me a better person. I know…whatever…right? After all, Pissy Kittys Litter Box wouldn’t be Pissy Kittys Litter Box if I weren’t hanging up my soiled underwear for all to see, now would it? Besides, what the hell do I care? The world is supposed to end today, right? Ironically fitting that I’m snowed in and alone on my last day on earth! Speaking of which…a little food for thought: What’s with these doomsday preppers, anyway? Apparently they must r-e-a-l-l-y have something to live for, because they want to survive the Apocalypse. Not me, I’ve done enough struggling for one lifetime, thank you very much. Shit goes down and I’m going to open me a new pack of smokes, crack open the first of a twelve pack, and start a Stephen King novel. Might as well ride it out with style. ((snicker))

So why is Pissy such a shitty kitty?A lot of frustration, even more disappointment, and plenty of isolation and monotony in which to ponder over both, I assume. Not that I haven’t tried to put makeup on the pig by altering my perception, because I have.I’ve spent the last three months gritting my teeth, feigning a smile, nodding a lot, and jotting down reasons I should be grateful for my life whenever I feel I’m about to come unhinged…which is often. I’ve spent a lot of my energy willing gratitude in the hopes that some of the ‘good stuff’ would rub off on me and my life through my efforts at positive imagining. I can’t imagine what I’m doing wrong—other than I must be one of those pathetic souls whose life purpose is to always bring more to the table than they take away—because to date I have SHIT to show for it.

The truth is my life lacks any real substance, and I’m to blame. I’ve made it easy on everyone else not to be accountable, because I always try to be so agreeable. I’m the wife that says “I’ll sit at home all alone, day after day, week after week, and take care of things for you so that you can pursue your dreams and enjoy your hobbies, with no thought for my own. I’m a mom who never fails to be there for her kids when they need her, in spite of the fact these same children are too busy to come see me on my birthday or Mother’s Day. I’m the friend who would drop everything to be there for another, but who seldom herself gets a visit or call. I’m a woman who just turned 50—a milestone I consider special, that I’d looked forward to celebrating for nearly two years, but one that was largely forgotten by all. No, not one of my children, friends, or family, asked if I was doing anything special or if I wanted to go out. To say its left a bad taste in my mouth is an understatement.

I am completely, utterly alone. I guess I’ve known this for some time, but it became painfully clear to me at 10:30 last night, and has left me shaken since. It was one of those moments when I needed someone, and realized I had no one. After phoning my husband while sobbing—who made it perfectly clear I was inconveniencing him, as he was on his way out to get a bite to eat—I realized I had no one left to call. I honestly couldn’t think of one person that wouldn’t be annoyed or sigh as if inconvenienced by my calling at that hour. I sat here looking at the picture of Beth that sits on my side table and realized that the only person in the world who ever really loved me was gone. This person who was never too busy to take my call, never too tired to get up in the middle of the night to talk me through a problem, and whose job, friends, or family, was never so important that she wouldn’t drop everything to drive six hours to be by my side at the drop of a hat when I needed her, was gone. I found it more than a bit disheartening, and sobbed even more. So much for putting makeup on the pig.

I’m not saying that I don’t have things to really be thankful for, because I do: My daughter, Jessie, recently landed herself a great job, she’s doing well, is happy and healthy, and my grandchildren are the same. My son, Jud, is out of the halfway house, is still clean and sober, working steady and establishing himself, and has found himself a nice girl. My youngest, Markie, in my personal adaption of Children of the Corn, is finishing up school, and staying out of trouble—which is more than I can hope for from my hot-headed brat. The Old Man is making good money, we don’t want for anything during these times of economic crisis; the house is warm, our bellies are full, and we have our health…so far. Still, I would be lying if I said that was enough. The truth is I wish a bit of the same could be said for me. As a pedestrian who watches a fancy car pass by, I long for my own wonderful ride.  As a person whose getting nowhere by having to drag around a ball and chain, I’m beginning to see I might have to lose the weight of some people if I ever want to get anywhere. Told ya there was a reason why I haven’t been writing.

Well, this is my long-awaited post, like it or not. Might as well enter my fifties with a bang, and leave this world ((snicker)) with a little shit in the litter box. How appropriate during the holiday season. The gift that just keeps on giving! Merry Fucking Christmas. Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it. 

Advertisements

13 Comments on ““Yeah, It’s The End Of The World As We Know It…….””

  1. Gravitas says:

    Damn, but if I had to write only good things I’d never type another word… What-TheHell-Ever.

  2. The Hook says:

    I hope your world has brightened up somewhat by now.
    Sorry I’ve been an absent friend. but just remember: you’ll never truly be alone.

    • Feeling a bit better. Just trying to get through the rest of the damn winter. Suffering from S.A.D. sucks when you’re not on meds.
      I, too, have been an absent friend to many, so don’t sweat it, sweetie. Thanks for sending the nod my way, though. I appreciate knowing that all of you are still out there for me.

  3. Carol says:

    Lou, I’m truly sorry your Christmas was so bleak. It’s a nostalgic season and hard to deal with when you’re alone with nothing but memories for company. I wish I could reach out through cyberspace and give you a hug. Now that we’re past New Years I hope the blues are receding and you’re feeling better.

    I want to say more, but think I’ll e-mail you.

  4. Jodi Lea says:

    Girl,
    Get out that Stephen King novel NOW, curl up with your furry ones in front of the fire and just read. And, as always with Stephen, you will become involved in his world after the first page, and your own thoughts will stop beating you up.
    Trust me. I know what I’m talking about 😉
    And keep blogging, because it is a release for you – and we missed ya!

    • Ah, I just love ya, Lady…thank you! I miss everyone too; just can’t seem to get my groove back on most of the time to write. Don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.
      Well, I haven’t cracked open a new Stephen King novel yet, but I do have a freshly poured rock glass full of grey goose vodka and cranberry juice, am sucking on a strawberry flavored cigar, and am feeling pretty relaxed right now, so does that count?
      I hope the holidays are faring better for you than mine are, and Santa brings you something wonderful, babe. 🙂

  5. Michele says:

    Merry Christmas. I tried to call you but it wouldn’t go through. You could always call me…we could do alot of make bashing just for the fun of it! Maybe have him drop you off one Saturday and we could hang out, gossip, laugh..Got a bar (hehe)!!

    • Omg! How long has it been? Forever!
      Call wouldn’t go through? Hmm… We changed our number this last year. Wonder if you have the right one.
      Yeah, he’d have to drop me off if we did cocktails, cause Lou don’t drink and drive no more. I learned my lesson. Just got my license back this last May so I’m a good girl now. I would love to see you though. You never fail to make me smile and laugh when we’re together. God knows I could use a little of that right now. I think maybe I’m experiencing a mid-life crisis or some shit.
      Will make a point of getting a hold of you soon. Love you, babe! Thanks for dropping me a note. It made my Christmas. 🙂

  6. Jess says:

    Now there’s my foul mouthed momma. Just how I remember her when I was at home!! No matter what we ALL love you. If you didn’t live in BFE it would be a lot easier to visit. You know with your nutty grand kids I can barely make it across town without them killing each other in the back seat! Have a merry Christmas gorgeous lady!!

    • I love you too, but one of these days Bum-Fuck-Egypt will be the least of your problems, because I’ll be taking a dirt nap and it’ll be impossible to get to me then. People don’t live forever, sweetie. That’s why you have to make the time for those you love while they’re still around. I had to learn that the hard way. I’d give anything today to have one more holiday with PoPo, Grandma, Uncle Allyn, and Beth. Sadly, most people wait until they have regrets before they recognize it.
      You have a Merry Christmas too, and kiss my beautiful Grandbabies.

  7. Ah, Sue…I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you right away. I’ve had a bad case of holiday-itis and have spent the last couple of days trying to figure out how to cope with it. I guess this post was just my way of ‘blowing off steam’ that’s been building up for some time. It’s everyone, and really no one’s fault that I feel the way I do. The Old Man, the kids, my family and friends, they are just busy living their lives is all. The fact that they are too busy for me is my own problem. I shouldn’t have wasted so much time waiting for them to have time, and should’ve been living my own life. That’s what happens when you invest your time and energy in other’s and not in yourself.
    The holidays suck for me anyway. It’s just a time to miss people that are now long gone, and remind me of decorations that once glittered in my home, parties I once threw, laughter I once shared with those I love most, and magic I can never get back. I don’t put up a tree and decorate anymore. There are no family dinners with all my children. Christmas comes and goes with no fanfare. When I married the Old Man and moved to the middle of nowhere, I dropped into an abyss where everyday is the same as the last, no one day is more special then the next, and I no longer have anything to look forward to. The bright side is in a couple of weeks I’ll be past this and have another twelve months before I have to deal with it again. I can get through it. I always do.
    Thanks for worrying about me. Your a candle that flickers in the darkness and lights my way. Merry Christmas, babe.

  8. Oh sweetheart. When you didn’t respond to my latest email I was hoping that you were too busy with fun things. I know, always the dreamer.
    Peppermint Patty? Kirstie (or Kristie – sorry that one has escaped the fog in my head). I am always at the end of your keyboard too..
    Sending so many good wishes your way.
    PS: Your snow looks simply magical. Here it is hot, hot, hot and dry and the grass breaks when you walk on it.