Censorship Is for the Weak

Forgive me while I’m stumbling forward trying to find my perfect stride. I eventually will. I’ve been through this before.

It was much easier when I first started my blog back in 2011. I was hurting, angry, had felt I lost my voice for so long, had a belly full of sadness and rage, and found a place to purge myself of it. I invented Pissy of the Litterbox. No one would know it was me. I felt a freedom I’d never had before to say just exactly what was on my mind, just exactly the way I wanted to say it. I had no fear of offending anyone. No one knew it was me.

A lot changed, and quickly, when I realized that I was accepted just the way I was. Whereas I had always felt censored to some degree with family and friends so as not to offend or hurt someone’s feelings, for the first time I had an audience that applauded my honesty, sarcasm, dry humor, and rollercoaster of emotions. It was liberating. It made me feel fearless. It made me feel I could trust my readers with more and more clues to my identity, so I did. In return they shared their stories with me; many introducing themselves. We came out from the shadows.

The majority of my family didn’t read my blog back then. Now my children are at an age they may be a bit more interested in my writing, my siblings are retired and may have a bit more time to peruse it, and my husband has actually glanced at my page a couple of times. This has left me uncomfortably exposed in a way I never experienced before. Cat’s out of the bag! How exactly do I handle this now?

I realized I’ve been living in the darkness again. I know this, because self-censorship is weighing heavily on me. This means that I have once again put someone else’s feelings, wants, and needs before mine at the expense of my identity. I find myself trying to re-word something I want to say, because I don’t want to offend the Christian side of my family if they choose to read it. I worry about over-sharing what is going on with my children, in my marriage, or how I feel. I worry, I stress, and then I can’t write. I miss the days when I could say anything and get away with it. I miss Pissy’s blog. Pissy’s rules!

 So here it is… I can’t write, if I can’t blog. The last handful of years has proven that. My Litterbox is where I dump things so I can free up space to be creative in other ways.  I can’t blog if I’m censored. I write exactly how I speak. I speak exactly what I think and feel. If I can’t the words get lost. You all think I have potential. You all have bitched and harped, pissed and moaned, that I’ve wasted this gift I’ve been given. Then indulge me, please. Give me room to express myself and love me anyway. Let me find my stride and see where this takes me. You never know, I might end up in exactly the place you want me to be.

I apologize in advance for the foul language. In truth, I only curb my tongue around you. I love God. I always have. I always will. I’d like to think that He forgives me my wicked tongue. I inherited it, my colorful nature, my mood swings, and my anger, from mom. It’s not something I choose. I’ve tried to be nice instead of naughty. I’m just not very good at it.

I apologize if I over-share. It’s my way. You know that. Our family has never been one to hide our dirty laundry so the neighbors can’t see, pretend to be something we’re not, or be ashamed of where we come from, where we are, or where we plan on going. Someone else’s opinion is mute. Truth is the foundation of our family. Personally, I think we’re all pretty terrific just the way we are.

I apologize to anyone who’s reading my blog if you started following me and are just now finding out that it may end up being a reality series that resembles a train-wreck. If you cringe at such things, this is not the place for you. Better you should visit a site where people appear to be high on LCD quoting all things Love, Beauty, and Spiritual Awakening. Only one side of me feels that way. I suffer from clinical depression and the rest can be very dark. You’ve been warned.

I feel a bit out of sorts as I begin this journey again. Once, I walked with many. Now I feel very alone. Most of those I considered my pals, confidants, who inspired me to grow, have long since left this platform. Being here again is like attending ones own high school reunion, only to find you really know no one, and then realize that you must’ve gotten the date wrong and everyone in the class is thirty years younger. You hang around, though, because you dressed up for the event, made an appearance, and feel awkward walking out. You make a choice. You decide to get to know who’s here and enjoy the party anyway. Pissy likes a party, any party, so I guess I’m here to stay.

Well, that’s the just of it. I’m going to do it my way and on my terms, throwing caution to the wind. Censorship is for the weak. I hope I make a few friends on the way. It would be nice not to have to be alone for a change. But if I don’t, I know I’ll be fine. It’s also my way. I’ve never been a big follower, have always moved to the beat of my own drum, have never been big on junior high bullshit like friend-ing in any way just to add numbers to a page, and put a lot more emphasis on the quality of people than I do the quantity of them.

Anyway, the rollercoaster is now up and operating. Let’s take a ride…

11 thoughts on “Censorship Is for the Weak

  1. I’m so proud of you!! This is your page…you get to be you! You found your voice and strength! Do not lose it again

    1. I’m trying, Cuz. I’m just still a little apprehensive. I need to shake off my fears of what anyone else will think. I have to remember that you can’t please everyone. Hell, who am I kidding! I seldom please anyone. ‘m a pain in the ass! I guess knowing I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t, it makes little difference. I’m just going to go with it and see where it takes me.
      St. Pat’s is a coming…. Are you wearing green with me, or not? 😉

  2. Wow! I love this…. Good post! Really love the way you right and how you just say it how it is. I love your confidence!

    I completely understand where you are coming from in the sense that you feel censored by some family and Christian friends
    as I do too and have also.

    I Was doing youtube videos and gaining confidence slowly and had 25 subscribers, yet then through someone, my videos got seen, and some found them “distressing”… Like yeah, that’s because I’m talking about a distressing and debilitating illness I have to deal with every day…right? But some got offended, and to save all the agro and whatever, I put them all to private. And stopped doing anymore!

    Then like you, I still got stuff I wanna talk about and get out. Better out than in… And I needed a place I can just do that. So you either gotta be this person who has no identity, and hides that part, or you gotta like you say, be careful what and how you put things. It seems I am trying to carefully be that person who is trying to tread carefully. I’m trying not to cuss too much, and trying not to be too aggressive or distressing but at the same time it’s difficult to get that balance. I often Overshare as I’m just very open and honest. It’s how I was brought up. You know where you are with people like that.

    Anyways I respect you for just being you, and saying it exactly how it is. Just putting it out there and if people got a problem with it, then they can kindly move on. You will find your people I guarantee it.

    Immediately when I read one of your posts, I knew I was on board!!

    And I’m certainly all about quality over quantity….

    1. You have no idea how much I appreciate the sentiment. Girl, I say to hell with everyone….let’s just tear this joint up like a bull in a china shop! I think between the two of us we can do some real damage on WordPress. FLMAO!
      Having a disorder is not something you, me, or ANYONE, should be ashamed of. I can no more change my clinical depression, panic disorder, and agoraphobia, then I can the color of my eyes. For whatever reason, God has given me this cross to bear; I do the best I can with it, taking necessary steps to make it bearable. I will not, however, apologize for it, anymore. It’s hard enough being us without that, isn’t it? Pretending so that everyone thinks it’s just ‘gone away’ so they’re not uncomfortable anymore, sucks! Anyway, this is a place for us to be real, meet like-minded people, and find compassion amongst others that struggle, too. I hope you share to the point that you dump all that shit out and find relief. Life is messy. If others don’t like it then tell them to grab a mop and bucket and help you clean it. That’ll shut em up!

      1. Lmao!!!! Yes it IS hard enough being us already, and trying to explain it to others….
        I don’t think they realise just how difficult it is to explain when you literally don’t know yourself, only what you’ve been forced to find out.

        I love your attitude, truly I do and maybe I’ll gain some courage from you in the fact that you dump that crap out there. And yes life is messy, and it really sucks big time!!!

        Thank you for being you, and don’t ever change!

  3. Momma, I really hope that no one has made you feel that you can’t be yourself whether it be in YOUR blogs or anywhere else. We love you for you. Anyone that doesn’t love your quirky, foul-mouthed, bold and honest self can take a fucking hike. You don’t have to please anyone but yourself. As your child, and an included topic in your blogs I love your “over-sharing”. It makes me feel even more loved! Your the best! 😘

    1. Ahh…sweetie, thank you! “Take a fucking hike” Spoken like my damn daughter. Ha…Ha.. Nah, no one has said too much, although your Uncle and Aunts are not too keen on the language. That, and I don’t want to embarrass you kids. I guess that ship has long since sailed though, huh?
      I appreciate your giving me the okay to be myself, discuss anything I want, and risk possible humiliation, though. 🙂 I just love you so much for that! You’re just a chip-off-the-old-Lou, aren’t you? I couldn’t be prouder!!!
      Now, I wonder whether your step-father will feel that way. Hmm…

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