Still Missing: Allyn Wayne Kellar 03/23/1986

This post is dedicated to my brother, Allyn.

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Allyn several years before he disappeared
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The most recent photo of him before he disappeared.

I come from a relatively large family; there are six of us children. Five were conceived like stair steps in six years: Nancy, Nadine, Albert (Junior), Linda, and Allyn, then nine years later I screamed my way into this world to round it out to an even number.

Yes, ours is a large family, and we all have unique personalities: Nancy is very matter-of-fact, keeps a tight reign on her emotions at all times, and chooses to be a bit of a loner and set her own pace. Nadine is the good girl, seldom finding fault in anyone, willing to conform, and able to don rose-colored glasses in the worst of situations. Junior is the joker, quick with a quip and a smile; a man of great faith who adheres to the strict code of ethics God has set for him. Linda is moody, and our own ‘Gladys Kravitz’ from the old sitcom “Bewitched”; gossip is the dirt and Linda is the shovel. I’m the colorful, creative, crazy one. I’m the one with her nose in a book, who has a gift for words, is sensitive to criticism, high-strung, very emotional, battles depression and anxiety, and unconventional; basically, the family’s pain in the ass, baby. Then there’s Allyn…

Allyn was the self-proclaimed Black Sheep. He made my ‘unconventional’ look mild in comparison. He spent much of what few years of life he lived thumbing his nose at authority. He was the good looking, smooth-talker, you see in the movies; slipping in and out of illegal cracks, rubbing shoulders with those that most of us would avoid at all costs, and taking dangerous risks to make fast cash. He was tough, confident, and arrogant. At least, that’s how most viewed him. The truth is he was much more than that. He was the youngest son of a father who never understood him, always appeared to be disappointed in him, and to be honest, treated him poorly. I still don’t understand why my father singled my brother out like that.  I never viewed my brother as being confident. I saw him as a man that grew out of an emotionally broken little boy, who desperately wanted the love and approval of his father, and thought he may finally achieve that if he had garnered some kind of respect, status, and money elsewhere. Like most, I assume, he wasn’t born bad, and he wasn’t all bad. He was tender-hearted, generous, good-natured, loving to his parents, siblings, wife, children, family and friends. I think he just got so caught up in the myth of how he could reinvent himself that he lost sight of who he was and what was important. I don’t blame him. I know what broken feels like. Being broken makes you do things that you wouldn’t otherwise do.

 My brother disappeared Sunday, March 23rd, 1986. He dropped his 7 year old son off at home near 132nd and Grover in Omaha, Nebraska, after having him for the weekend, and told his wife he was heading over to his employers from there. This employer, who owned a restaurant on the corner of 10th and Hickory in Omaha, told investigators later that he never arrived. Oddly, at some point his vehicle did. The brown and white, 1978 Monte Carlo he was driving was found unoccupied on 10th and Hickory 11 weeks later. This has left many of us scratching our heads. Had the car been there all along and the police failed to see it? Did someone put it there, and if so, why would they?

There are a lot of details in this missing person case; way too many to mention in this one post. The just of it is, my brother was here one day and gone the next. He was involved with motorcycle club members, prominent business people, and got his hands dirty in just about anything and everything. Because of this and information they were able to obtain, my brother’s disappearance was quickly ruled a homicide by the Omaha Police Department, though a body has never been found.

Allyn’s remains. That’s how I and my other siblings refer to my brother now. Finding his remains is what we talk about, cry about, wrestle with our faith over, and sometimes, in my case, scream about. We’ve long since given up that anyone involved will get the justice they deserve in this world. It’s been 33 years and the police have told us any persons of interest are now deceased. We’re no longer looking for the who and why…only where. Where are our brother’s remains?

There is no closure when someone you love vanishes. Not when you’re told they are dead, not when they don’t surface for 33 years, not ever. Life moves on, seasons change, people grow old, and the one who is missing is stuck forever at the age you last saw them; a part of you stays stuck with them.

I am stuck. That’s why I’ve been unable to write. The anniversary of his disappearance came around again a week and a half ago. I start feeling it weeks in advance and slowly begin to unravel. By the time the day of arrives I have become completely unhinged. After, it’s a slow, painful recovery. I go through it every year. And each year that passes without closure the pain and the stuck gets worse, not better.

My problem is I am damn angry! I am angry with myself and pissed off at the police department. Unlike a lot of other missing person cases, there were leads when my brother disappeared. There were ‘people of interest’. I don’t feel any of them were followed fully through. To be honest, I feel like they let this case simply fade away because in their minds this was just another bad guy taken off the street. I blame myself, because I listened to them when I was told that it was dangerous for me to poke my nose in this case and start making waves by asking questions. My family and I did what we were told because we didn’t want to risk our safety or the safety of our children. We thought they would solve this case, and if unable to hold anyone accountable that they would at least find our brother’s remains, give them back to us, so that we could bury him with the honor we felt he deserved. What twists around inside of me is that someone threw him away like trash and in that shitty, makeshift grave is where he still remains to this day. It’s time for him to come home! I WANT MY BROTHER BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is literally all I have left of my brother. One snapshot of the two of us when we were very young, two photographs of my brother—each with the woman he was married to at the time, a few random pics, an advertisement from a massage parlor he was running in the early 1980’s, and an article written about him three years after he disappeared. This article claims a woman’s suspicious death might be the result of her having information about my brother and being silenced so she couldn’t share it. This is all I have; these and my memories.

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The only photograph of the two of us

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Article published in the Omaha World Herald on November 5, 1989 (the day of my 27th birthday)

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We each have a story. We each have reasons why we’re broken and unable to heal. This is one of my reasons and a part of my story. I wanted to share it with you.

If you are a person of faith, pray for me and my family. Pray that my brother’s remains are found so that we can lay him near our parents and have a place to go to pay our respects. Pray that those who are responsible get what is due them; if not in this world, than in the next. Pray you never have to go through something like this. But most of all, say a prayer of thanks that you still have those you love in your life.

God Bless.

22 thoughts on “Still Missing: Allyn Wayne Kellar 03/23/1986

  1. Just to let you know I removed all my followers from my blog and made it private. In a bad place right now

  2. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. My prayers are with you and your family, and I hope that one day you get some closure. As a spiritual person, I do believe you’ll see your brother again. To us, it feels like it will take a lifetime, but if you look at the entirety of life and the universe from another level, it’s really just the blink of an eye. Sending you love and strength.

  3. I am not the praying type, but I will definitely think of you and your family. I can’t imagine what not having closure must feel like. I’ve lost my mother and other people who were close to me.. yet I KNEW what happened. I knew they were gone, and I had a final answer. It’s atrocious that the case essentially went cold.. that like you said the PD essentially just stopped as they saw it as “a bad guy was out of their hair”. A lot of people fail to realize that everyone is a person. Everyone has a family, and a hell of a lot of us do “bad shit”. That doesn’t mean we matter any less than anyone else.

    I know it’s a long shot, but I hope that someone sees this and someone can help in someway. I hope you and yours get the closure that you deserve. Much love. X

  4. I… just don’t know what to type here.
    My life has been totally upended by one of my best friend’s suicide but that pale sin comparison to your pain, my friend.
    My heart goes out to you.

    1. Thank you, Hook. I know you mean that.
      You are wrong, though. Your pain doesn’t pale in comparison to mine. If you remember right, I lost my very best friend of 30 years to suicide in 2008. That was what pushed me to start my blog a few years later and write to cope with the pain . Dealing with the suicide of a loved one is very painful. The loss of my brother is the same pain, but wears different colors. Both come with a lot of unanswered questions. Neither I’ve ever been able to resolve. At least with my best friend, Beth, we were able to lay her to rest.
      I am so sorry that you have to deal with this kind of pain. Words of advice: Don’t let survivors guilt and unanswered questions consume you. I spent years beating myself up wondering if there was something I should have said or done different. I tried to find answers to questions that had none. It will steal precious months and years from your life and won’t change the outcome of what happened. Love your friends memory. Celebrate the life your friend led. You’re in my prayers, babe.

      1. Likewise.
        I certainly have survivors guilt but I know I couldn’t have prevented Ronnie’s fate; anyone who truly wants to seek their own end will find a way eventually.
        I’m glad our paths have crossed.
        All the best to you, my friend.

  5. Wow! I do not have the words…. But I am so sorry 🙏
    I am a person of faith, please look at my post: “Going back to go forward”… When you can…

      1. Thank you for reading. I can empathise in a different but similar type way if that is OK to say. (I don’t want to say I understand because my circumstances and situation is completely different).
        It’s the “not knowing”… I don’t know what made my mum suddenly come off the road that night, she was all on her own… I still wonder if she committed suicide. I just don’t know. But you’re not knowing is much worse. There are more question marks. And it’s a loss that you can’t grieve, properly. Everyone should have the chance to say goodbye to their loved ones. Even though I hate goodbye’s. Personally, I don’t believe it’s forever. But each has their beliefs and hope. I respect yours.

        Have you seen “finding nemo”…

        In there Dory says: “just keep swimming, just keep swimming”… but sometimes we just have to kinda float for a while. It doesn’t mean we’ve stopped trying, it just means we getting our strength back…

          1. I know….me too. I love the second one too… It’s just what came to mind when you were saying about “keeping on keeping on”…

    1. Thank you, hon! Yes, he does. Not for him. I believe he’s past all the misery in his mortal life and is with both of our parents. But we, his family, do need this closure. Again, thank you for your prayers!

      1. You’re welcome. Please check out John Lordan from Lordan Arts on Youtube. He brings awareness to missing persons cases and he really cares about justice and humanity. Maybe he could bring exposure to your brother’s case and light a fire under the police. Your family deserves closure.

  6. I’m so sorry to read this. I work in police civilian oversight and a lot of my job is liaising with bereaved families who feel Police inadequately investigated the deaths of their loved ones. There are still a number of unrecovered bodies from the Northern Ireland ‘Troubles’ known as ‘The Disappeared.’ I can truly empathise with your plight.

    1. As I wrote in my post, my family was ‘scared’ into believing that we had better leave this alone years ago. My brother had ties to some dangerous people and had always kept our family separate from his other life. We were told to leave it that way. The end result is the case is now cold, people have passed, and nothing has been done. I honestly don’t know where to go from here. Am thinking about setting up a facebook page in the hope that someone will recognize my brother from years ago, or have heard a story from a friend of a friend that seems familiar to my brother’s missing persons case. I don’t know what else to do.
      If you have any words of advice on the best way to get this out there and generate interest in this case again I would so appreciate it. And God bless you for helping others! We need more people like you in this world.

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