“American Horror (or Soft-Porn) Story”?

Morning Everyone….

Okay, so I have a sneaking suspicion that the Old Man might’ve taken a little peek/see into my blog the other day, cause coincidentally the night after I wrote my little post “Is He Just Not That Into Me?” he came up to bed. Not only came up to bed, but made a dramatic display of affection. I figure it was either that or the little comments I made during the movie the night before that hit home and got him to thinking. Not that I care whether he reads my blog or not–Pissy don’t have nuttin to hide–I just find the coincidence a bit amusing. It took a little persuasion on his part–after all, he has been on the couch nearly every night for the last month and a half, and it’s gotten me good and pissed–but I let him back in. I did tell him last night though before bed that the next time he plays the couch game with me I’m moving all of his things into the spare room and he won’t be returning. Where I come from married folk sleep together. You don’t sleep with me, you ain’t getting no more cookies from the cookie jar. Period!

Did anyone happen to see the pilot of that new series “American Horror Story” that aired on FX last night? If ya did, I’m dying to hear your take on it. I, myself, had been anticipating the premiere since first seeing clips of it weeks ago. I love horror. (Haunted houses, paranormal, etc. not the slasher/bloody shit.) It looked really interesting, and given that it fell right around Halloween–which I thought was genius–I thought it was something fun I’d have to look forward to. Yep, I have no life to speak of. So last night as the Old Man and Hound Dog were spooning on the couch half asleep, I settled into my recliner and began to view the first episode of it. Can anyone say…soft-porn disguised as horror? Ummm…from my viewpoint I don’t think it would be much of a stretch.

Now, I’m not a critic so you’re going to have to bear with this amateur, partial review, but I just want to recap on what I found to be the more interesting (Ahem) parts of the show: Dylan McDermott is naked ALOT! “Here an ass, there an ass, every where an ass, ass…shot! And not a bad ass, I might mention. Dylan McDermott? I never really considered him a hottie before. Who woulda thunk! It’s not that I’m gonna bitch about that kinda thing, but rather was…let’s just say…mildly surprised at how they managed to work all his ‘nakedness’ into the show. He’s sleepwalking in the ‘suit’ he was born in. How very c-l-e-v-e-r! Then as if that wasn’t enough to leave my mouth agape they introduce a maid into the equation, and well…she’s a bit of a ‘naughty’ maid. ((wink..wink))

The Old Man wasn’t the least bit interested in this show when I first told him I was watching it. He’s not a huge fan of horror and would rather watch the hunting channel 24/7 over anything else. I know…yawn, right? However, once he caught a glimpse of some of the weird shit going on his interest was suddenly peaked. Go figure. 

Old Man:  “What’s she doing?” He happened to roll over just at the moment the maid was striking a seductive pose in the chair and the camera moved quickly to her hand and then away.

Me:  “Masturbating, Babe.”

Old Man:  “Now what’s he doing?” I think the next clip was so quick that his eyes couldn’t believe what they were seeing and adjust.

Me:  “The same. He’s pulling on it.” I say, ever-so-casually.

Old Man:  “So what’s this show again?” He asks, flipping over onto his back and adjusting the pillow under his head.

Me:  “I told you, A-mer-i-can Hor-ror Stor-y.” Sometimes it’s necessary to repeat things s-l-o-wl-y to him. “I thought you weren’t interested.” I laugh.

Old Man:  “So what’s going on?”

Me:  I lean in and begin rushing through my words to recap while there’s a commercial break. “Okay, so naked man who’s a shrink, and his bitchy, unhappy wife move to this creepy, old house from the city with their mouthy teenage daughter. Apparently his old lady had a miscarriage, was distraught, stopped sharing her cookies with him, and he started tapping his assistant or some shit. She walked in on them and I think he carted her out of town to try and work on their marriage. Once they get there they find out that two queens had owned the place before them, had renovated it, but the one had killed the other then himself so the place was available. I don’t think anyone still knows that two young boys–who personally I think deserved getting their asses ripped up in the cellar cause I seen potential serial killers in both–died there years before. But that was in the beginning of the show set back like thirty years prior when the little girl with Downs Syndrome from next store first made her appearance, so probably isn’t pertinent to the story yet.” I take a deep breath. “I haven’t lost you yet have I?”

Old Man:  “Who’s the maid?”

Me:  “I’m getting to that!” Another deep breath. I hear him trying to mask a groan. “So once they move in the little girl with Downs Syndrome, who’s all grown up now…well, sorta…comes over and just kinda walks in ever so I-do-as-I-damn-well-please like, then her mom shows up to fetch her–which I can tell right now is a whack-job–and naked man’s bitchy wife’s weird meter starts going off immediately. THEN…comes the maid, who appears to be an old lady wearing a frumpy, black uniform when she introduces herself to the wife, but when naked man comes in he sees her as a young, beautiful maid wearing that tiny, little french-maid uniform you seen.”

Old Man:  “Huh?” He’s looking at me completely puzzled and I knew I was losing him. 

Me:  “The wife hires the maid because she appears to be old and dowdy. Ya know…not a threat? But the husband sees her as young, beautiful, and seductive, is a little confused why his jealous old lady would hire her, finds himself trying to ignore her, but well…she’s a VERY naughty maid, apparently has no problem playing with herself in front of her employer, and he’s turned on by it. Anyway, I haven’t figured out yet whether she’s dead or not, and just coming back to haunt.” The old man returns his eyes to the tv; completed disinterested in the rest.

I intended on filling him in on the rebellious daughter, the warped kid that’s thinking about pulling a Columbine at his school that naked man is counseling, and how the two of them are starting to ‘hook-up’, but the show began. I figured I lost my Old Man just about the time I wrapped up info on the maid, so I let it slide. The nice thing was he watched the rest of the show with me, and I think it’s safe to assume it’s something we can look forward to doing together. Hey, beggars can’t be choosers! I admit I’m not beneath coaxing him with the maid to get attention here! K? Any-hoo, I’m still waiting on the scary part–as I really didn’t see where the ‘horror’ in it was–but I suppose what it lacks in edge-of-your-seat-nailbiting it more than makes up for in Dylan McDermott’s chiseled butt. So yeah…I’d say it deserves five stars.

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