What’s More Important Than Blogging?

I’m pushing myself to write this morning, so I’m not sure how eloquent any of this is going to read. I’ve felt very detached from everything and everyone, and it’s made it impossible for me to write. Things are not going well on the home-front, and my natural reaction is to shut down, turn off, and tune out, when I can’t deal with something. I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring emails and all my subscriptions. I just couldn’t deal with anything else. I guess I feel somewhat of a responsibility to let everyone know why I haven’t been around though. Don’t want you to think I’m going anywhere.  

The current wave of depression hit and I’ve been doing my best to ride it. Currently I’m struggling. I suppose it didn’t help that my son decided to move out early, so then the ‘Mom’ part of me kicked in to worry. I thought I was beginning to get a grip on that as well as the depression itself, but now my other boy is sick.

I don’t expect some of you to understand, but for those of you who consider your pet as more your child and a part of your family, you will. These precious children who rely on you for everything: love, entertainment, food, shelter, medical care, et.. who can’t speak to tell you when something is wrong, are virtual slaves to their own illness when sick until you ‘pick up’ on it. I don’t know how long now our boy has been sick, but I’m beating the hell out of myself over it wondering if I failed to notice something. Sadly, I really never saw any symptoms until recently.

Per my last post, I told you all how Hound Dog had come home with a cold after his brief stay at the vets getting his manhood removed, and Sully had looked like he wasn’t feeling well and had a few watery mishaps on the floor, so Daddy was taking them both in to the vet last weekend. All seemed fine after he arrived back home with them. The doctor prescribed antibiotics for Sully–as my husband was told that it was a kidney infection–and Hound Dog was to go on a small dose of children’s cough medicine till his minor symptoms were gone. Well, Hound Dog started getting better within a couple of days. Sully did not.

I’ve had a few children and as many husband’s who’ve gotten sick, and am experienced with illness enough to know that antibiotics start kicking the shit out of infection within a few days. You may have to take them for a duration of ten days, sometimes more, but you always see immediate improvement in health. When you don’t that’s not a good sign. My boy, our 90 pound Pitbull, the same that comes to me when I call him “Son”, wasn’t improving. He, in fact, appeared to be getting worse. He had no desire to eat and we would have to ply him with canned dog food. Had no desire to drink, even though he appeared to be thirsty. Was lethargic, breathing became labored, and didn’t want to climb the stairs to go to bed with us at night. This happened quickly within a couple of days after the diagnosis of kidney infection and by Wednesday I was frantic and calling the vet back. My husband had to take a day off from work and run him the hour back in to the city to get lab work done. The results were told to us Saturday. His kidneys are failing. I don’t understand it all. Some shit about too much calcium poisoning his kidneys. Whatever. The only thing I really comprehend is what the vet said when he told me over the phone that he wasn’t going to lie to me, but that my boy could die from this.

He left with my husband this morning to trek back in to the docs. The vet wants to give him an exam to find out if there’s something he can do surgically or not. He made it clear that he’ll probably be on medication for the rest of his life if he’s caught this in time. Does that matter? My husband and I both made it clear to him that money is no expense. We don’t have much, but what we do have will go to save him if there’s any chance he can survive. He is only four years old. He has plenty of life left in him. More important, he is our child. HE IS OUR CHILD. 

I really can’t express enough how important our dogs are to us…to me. My husband works and I do not. From day one these boys were put in my care, and I was the one responsible for teaching them, spoiling them, loving them. Because of this miserable DUI, and having a husband who’s not willing to help me get my license back and car fixed, and because I’ve been unwilling to drive illegally, I’ve been confined to this house for several years now. I’ve long ago lost fair-weather friends who found it inconvenient to go out of their way to come pick me up to go out or stop by for a visit, and these children give me a reason to get up every day. They listen when I need someone  to talk to, show me affection when I’m unhappy, entertain me when I’m bored, and keep me company constantly. My life revolves around them. I literally couldn’t love them more if they were my biological children. Do you get it? 

I’m overwhelmed right now with fear and worry. Worst than what I’m dealing with is what my husband is going through. He is someone that by nature is physically capable of showing affection, but is emotionally detached from people. Someone would probably refer to it as being the type that lets shit roll off his back. Another may refer to him as being stoic. I personally think some woman fucked him up long before I got him, and that’s why he’s so guarded at showing deep affection, love, or emotional attachment. I assumed this was just who he was till we got Sully. This dog decided from day one that although I was the one who cared for him and trained him that my husband was his master. His devotion to my husband has brought out another side to the man I married. I kid you not when I tell you that this dog is the first one my husband leans down and hugs and kisses before he goes to work, and the first one he reaches for when he comes through the door after. I have no doubt in my mind that he loves this dog and is more devoted to him than he is me. I worry now what losing him would do to him. What it would do to me. 

I’d appreciate it if you’d all bear with me during this difficult time. I know I’ve been very neglectful of my blog and all of yours. I’m sorry. Hopefully all things considered will see an improvement in the near future.