And just when you thought I’d disappeared forever…
Yes, Pissy is still alive, well, and tucked away in the country with her mutts. I haven’t gone anywhere. I just took a very long sabbatical from my blog and writing in general. I’m not sure if it was because I had too little or too much to say, but knew whatever words I laid out with my keyboard would carry with them the same message of woe and misery that had accompanied my writing for so long, and just didn’t want to continue doing that. I missed the Pissy who was a mess—because life is messy—but always found the humor in anything and everything. A couple of years ago I realized that I’d lost her somewhere along the way. It’s taken me all that time and more to find her within myself, and today I think I’ve gotten close enough to it that I can once again rejoin you all and feel free to pound the keyboard with complete abandon.
I actually considered waiting a bit longer before dipping my toes in the blog water, and would have, were it not for emails that keep creeping up now and then requesting permission to have access to my private blog. Private…as in, I was just too vain to let anyone claim my name so I just kept paying on my domain although I was no longer using it. Hey, there is only ONE Pissy, after all. Ahem…anyway, it occurred to me that there may be some of you who think I’ve purposely blocked you from my blog, and I just wanted to let you know that’s not the case. There simply has been no updates for nearly two years and didn’t think anyone was interested in reading old news. That’s the just of it.
I’m here now, though, so sink or swim let’s get started…
So what has Pissy been up to?
Well, life threw some curve balls since last I blogged. I know. What’s new, right? This time, however, I found myself lacking the coping skills I needed to move forward like I’d done before, one thing led to another, and I did what I had to in order to survive them…I buried my head in the sand. Buried it so deep, in fact, I began to suffocate, had to finally come up for air, and just plain deal with the shit. Has it made me stronger? Yep. But it’s been a painful journey, and one I just don’t feel like delving into on my first day back. What I do feel comfortable sharing with you all right now, though, is that I am still very much alive and kicking, through much prayer and support from my sister and niece found the courage and self-esteem to go back to work after ten years of being unemployed and dependent on a man, am now working at a job that has increased my confidence in my abilities, made me feel beautiful as I “dress for the job I want, not the job I have” every day, and am beginning to smile back at myself in the mirror again. Is it where I want to be five months or five years from now? Probably not, but it’s a start. And I’ve realized that no one gets anywhere without taking the steps necessary to get them there, and right now these are mine.
The truth is I’m ill-fitted for the financial institution that employs me. I’m much better with words than figures, more apt to hug than shake a hand, and it’s not always easy to get-em-in-and-get-em-out because I tend to connect with people on a personal level. I’ve become more than aware of my weak/strong points since taking the job. Many I’ve struggled with. But I believe more than ever now that with God there are no mistakes, that He placed me there for a reason, and if anything, I bring fun/friendly/colorful to what was once a very matter-of-fact, black and white, nearly dismal atmosphere, and at present this is where I’m supposed to be so I’m rolling with it.
I have a clear vision of the life I want though, which is more than I had before, and a goal I believe we all should have. Once I was able to shake off the glitter from my superwoman cape that had me disillusioned with longing for fame and fortune which most of us consider a sign of success, I found within myself the picture of what a rich life would look like to me, and it’s the one I aspire to now: Owning a little house tucked away at the end of a block next to a cornfield at the edge of a small, rural town, with my Yorkie, Mu, as my sole companion. Having a job I love nearby so that I can peddle my bicycle to it each day. And in a perfect world, being able to live my life without worrying about how others are living theirs. I still hope to someday publish that one book that might ‘touch’ someone, but if it never happens am perfectly content to leave behind bits and pieces of my memoirs for my children to rifle through in the hope that they may understand their crazy mother better. I still hope to someday experience once again being ‘madly in love’, but if it never happens am content with knowing that once I felt that way, loved someone with complete abandon, and was willing to take the chance to let them love me back. I still hope to always be able to have faith and hope.
Yes, those are the simple dreams I have now, and am finally able to dream again despite many things being much the same: I am still married, though I’m slowly getting my independence and the identity I lost back. I still worry and fret over my two sons and their careless ways, but am learning to let them face the consequences of their mistakes on their own. I still have a daughter who makes me proud everyday that I wish I could see more, but we’ve both been making ourselves more accessible to the other and are connecting again. I’m still a grandmother to my beautiful Bailee and Jakey, but have also been blessed by the arrival of a little guy named, Zainn, since last you heard from me. And I’m still crazy as hell! Ha..Ha..
So yes, Pissy is still very much alive and kicking, in case any of you’ve wondered about me. And hopefully, I ain’t going no where but forward anytime too soon.